


In the Blink of an Eye

by FadedSparks



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-06
Updated: 2013-11-05
Packaged: 2017-12-31 15:23:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 70,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1033262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FadedSparks/pseuds/FadedSparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One minute everything is going good in Jensen’s life and the next everything is turned upside down. How will he cope? Can he get his life back in order or will he have to move forward into a life he never asked for?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

Filming being postponed on account of the weather, Jensen slowly makes his way toward the parking lot to go back to his apartment and just enjoys the cold water hitting his face. At this slow pace, he is practically soaked to the bone but could really care less. He has always been a fan of rain, loves everything about a rainy day. When he was younger he used to rush out of the house every time it rained and stand in it until it stopped. His mom always yelled at him for it, saying he would catch pneumonia one day, but that had never stopped him.

Smiling slightly to himself, he takes in a deep breath of the fresh air and looks up at the dark grey clouds above his head. The rain has chilled the air around him and he can't stop the shiver that runs down his spine, but he doesn't quicken his pace. The rain is slowly becoming no more than a drizzle now and soon it will cease all together. He wouldn't mind if it rained for hours though.

As he is passing by Jared's trailer the door suddenly flies open and he finds himself being pulled inside. He is greeted by the taller man's wide grin when the door slams behind him and his chest is flush against a broader one. He looks up into Jared's smiling eyes and has to remind himself to breath. He always seems to lose all brain function when Jared catches him off guard like this, with bright eyes and a mischievous smile directed solely at him.

"Where did you think you were going Jensen?" Jared asks with a hint of playfulness in his tone.

"Well, I was planning on going home and passing out on my bed. Why, do you have other plans for me?" Jensen asks, playing along.

"Going home is the last thing you're gonna be doing right now. You've been driving me crazy all day and I can't wait how long it would take to get you home and devour you." Jared runs his hands down Jensen's sides as he says this, coming to a rest on his hips. "The way I see it, we have a perfectly good trailer right here on set, we might as well put it to good use."

"I don't know if I'm quite following what you have in mind Jare, why don't you show me?" Jensen breathes out; biting his bottom lip simply because he knows it turns Jared on.

A sound resembling a growl escapes Jared's throat before he attaches his lips to Jensen's, trapping the older man between the door and his broad body. Jensen's mouth yields under Jared's; opening wide to accommodate Jared’s demanding tongue. As Jensen wraps his arms around his neck, Jared reaches around him and locks the door so no one interrupts them.

Reluctantly pulling out of the kiss, Jared grips the hem of Jensen's shirt and pulls it over his head. Without looking to see where it lands, he tosses it over his shoulder as Jensen gets to work on getting Jared's belt out of the confining loops. Jensen kicks off his shoes in time for Jared to relieve him of his jeans and boxer briefs, the younger man smiling dirtily the entire time. Even after all the times they've made love, Jensen still gets shy being naked in front of the other man, it's one of the things Jared loves about him.

Focusing his mind back onto the task at hand, he pulls his own shirt off and throws it over his shoulder to join Jensen's just as Jensen pushes his pants down over his hips. As Jared is attempting to kick them off with his shoes still firmly in place, he loses his balance and almost falls backward in his eagerness.

Jensen chuckles as he helps Jared regain his balance and lets the younger man use his shoulder as leverage while he removes his pants, successfully this time. Straightening himself, Jared takes in the sight in front of him. Jensen's chest is glistening with a light sheen of perspiration and Jared has to hold in a groan when Jensen lifts his eyes, pupils dilated in arousal.

Not giving a thought to the fact that he might be crushing the smaller man, Jared slams him up against the wall beside the door and pushes his body flush against Jensen's. Reaching down, he lifts Jensen's legs and wraps them around his waist, using the wall to keep from dropping him. Jared smiles softly before capturing Jensen's mouth, nibbling and sucking almost harshly on the plump bottom lip. A moan immediately escapes Jensen's throat, as well as a few unintelligible words, and he finds himself grasping blindly at the slick body in front of him.

Jensen is the one to break the kiss this time, gasping for air to fill his screaming lungs. Jared nearly comes when he sees Jensen's lower lip all swollen and bruised. Jensen smiles when he finds Jared looking at him with a dazed look in his eyes, loving the fact that he has such an affect on his boyfriend.

"Where's the lube?" Jensen questions bringing Jared out of his stupor.

Refusing to put Jensen down, Jared carries him over to one of the drawers and rummages around in it until his hand comes back out with a tube of lube clutched firmly. Jared smiles triumphantly, pushes the drawer half way shut and moves back to the wall. Propping Jensen up against it, he flips open the cap on the small bottle and pours a generous amount onto the palm of his hand.

"You ready for me Jen?" He whispers in Jensen's ear as he slicks up his fingers. "Tell me how much you want me."

"I'm always ready for you, always. God, I want you so much Jay, can hardly stand it," Jensen responds, an undeniable pleading in his tone. "Need you inside me baby, give me all you got."

Jensen's breath gets caught in his throat when he feels Jared's index finger tracing his entrance, caressing tenderly and pushing only the tip inside. Jared continues to do this, giving Jensen a taste but never going all the way; just teasing him relentlessly. When Jensen begins pleading; sounding pained, Jared decides to take pity on him. He relishes in the moan that leaves Jensen's mouth when he pushes the first finger inside until it's knuckle deep. He thrusts his finger in and out repeatedly for a moment before a second one joins in.

Jensen's whole body shudders and he bites his hand to keep a cry inside. Jared smiles smugly, knowing he has found Jensen's prostate. He figures he could find that little bundle of nerves in his sleep by now though 'cause he just knows Jensen's body that well. He will never tire of seeing the open look of pleasure on his boyfriend's face, finds it intoxicating in fact.

Unable to ignore his own needs any longer, Jared begins moving his fingers in a scissoring motion to loosen Jensen up. Jensen grinds down on the fingers the best he can in this position, drawing a groan from Jared as this action stimulates his aching erection. After doing this a few times, Jared stops short when Jensen's eyes suddenly meet his and is held frozen for a moment.

"No more... I'm ready Jare... come on, please..." Jensen practically begs, grinding down against the erection poking him.

Jared doesn't need any more encouragement. He just pours some more lubricant into his hand, drops the bottle at his feet and slicks up his dick, getting it nice and smooth. Jensen waits impatiently as Jared prepares; reminding himself that it wouldn’t be a good idea to just slam down on his boyfriend’s erection.

Jared looks intently into Jensen's eyes as he lines himself up and begins to slowly push inside. Jensen tries to keep their eye contact but finds it too difficult as the pleasure begins to mount, so he doesn't fight it when his eyes close on their own accord. It is taking all of Jared's will power to keep from forcing himself into the tight heat enveloping him, his body literally shaking.

Simultaneously, they let out a sigh of relief when Jared pushes until he can't get any further. Leaning across the inch that separates their faces, Jared places a kiss filled with adoration upon Jensen's eyelids and a smile slowly grows on Jensen's face. Wrapping his legs more securely around Jared's waist, he pulls him in for a kiss and pushes down as best as he can; encouraging Jared to begin moving.

At a slow, torturous pace Jared pulls nearly all the way out before thrusting back inside. Jensen throws his head back the best that he can with the wall hindering him and smiles when a full body shudder runs through him, heightening the pleasure. There is not much he can do in this position, so he gives up trying to meet every thrust and just allows Jared to take charge.

Jared’s eyes are nothing more than slits now, making him look as though he is high, and Jensen realizes he could never tire of seeing his boyfriend this way. Watching as pleasure overwhelms him; putting him in almost like a dazed state, it is just incredible to Jensen. He loves what their love making can do to Jared, loves the fact that he is the only person to ever see Jared like this.

“God, I could never… could never get tired of this. Man, what you do to me. I… I love how perfectly my body fits against yours and how… great it feels to be inside you, like your body was designed just for… for mine,” Jared pants out, half of his words incomprehensible.

“I’m right there with ya,” Jensen breathes out against Jared’s face, “never felt like this with anyone else, just you, only you Jay.”

Jared finally manages to open his eyes fully, locking an intense gaze with Jensen. “You’re amazing Jen,” he whispers softly, sincerity in every word.

Jensen is at a loss for words, isn’t even sure words could do this moment justice. It isn’t so much the words that have taken Jensen’s breath away but the intense look in Jared’s eyes; giving his emotions clarity. Jensen knows how lucky he is to have someone so caring in his life, but this moment just reminds him of that. He doesn’t know what he would do without this man.

“Oh God,” Jensen moans out when his prostate is stimulated, wiping all thoughts from his mind. “Harder, Jared, harder!”

Gripping Jensen’s left leg; he lifts it slightly for more access and thrusts up at an almost brutal pace, making Jensen’s slick back slide roughly against the wall of the trailer. A groan of pleasure leaves Jensen’s mouth before he attaches said mouth to the side of Jared’s neck, sucking and nibbling at the sensitive skin. Jared arches his back when Jensen digs his nails into his flesh and a hiss makes its way past his gritted teeth.

Jared speeds up his pace when pressure begins to build, so close to release he can feel it in every joint. His body is trembling from the strain of holding Jensen up and from his fast approaching orgasm, so he uses the wall to support his boyfriend and lifts the legs around his waist up higher as he thrusts his hips; hitting Jensen’s prostate without fail.

The moment Jensen’s teeth sink down into the spot between his neck and shoulder Jared’s climax hits him full force and he releases himself deep within his boyfriend. Just the sensation of Jared coming inside him is enough to set Jensen off, his mouth opening in a silent cry as his orgasm washes over him in waves.

Jared manages to slide out of Jensen before his knees give out beneath him and they find themselves sliding to the floor. Jared rests his head against Jensen’s shoulder as he tries to catch his breath while Jensen runs his hand idly through Jared’s hair, still in a post orgasmic daze.

Jared smiles happily at Jensen when he finally lifts his head, leaning in to kiss him briefly. “I love you Jensen.”

“Yeah, I love you too, ya nut.” Jensen replies fondly, reaching down to entwine their fingers. “I’ll be glad to get you home; I just want to lie in bed and not get out until we have to go back to work.”

A flinch crosses Jared’s features and he smiles apologetically at his boyfriend. “Sorry, guess I forgot to tell you. Chad’s in town, I’m going out for a beer with him tonight.”

Just the mentioning of Chad’s name puts Jensen in a sour mood and he finds himself frowning. “Please tell me you’re kidding,” he sighs unhappily. “Do you have to go out with him tonight, and especially for a drink?”

“I seriously don’t know why you have such a problem with him, if you just got to know him I’m sure you’d get along.”

“You can’t tell me you don’t see how badly the guy wants you. Hell, he practically drools all over you whenever he comes around,” Jensen grumbles.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that, but you honestly have nothing to be jealous over. I don’t want Chad, I want you. Could you just try to put _a little_ bit of trust in me? He’s my friend Jen, nothing more.” Jared frowns unhappily when he says this, looking at Jensen in disappointment.

“I trust you Jared, that’s not my problem. I don’t, however, trust Chad Michael Murray.” Jensen grits out the name, voice dripping with the disdain that he feels for the guy.

“Well, he’s my friend Jensen, please try to get used to that. I‘ve known him for a long time and I'm not just gonna drop him because you‘re jealous of him,” Jared says simply, moving away from Jensen and gathering his discarded clothing.

Jensen lets out a frustrated sigh, watching as Jared puts his clothes back on; his actions showing just how upset he is. This is a regular argument between the two of them, seemingly stuck on spin cycle. Jensen knows he’s being unreasonable, and his jealously is unfounded, but he can’t seem to help it. He knows Jared loves him, but Chad has a way of getting between them. Doesn’t matter if they already have plans, if Chad comes into town unexpectedly Jared will reschedule their plans and spend _their_ time with his friend. Sure, Jared tries every time to include Jensen, but Jensen is usually upset that Chad came first _once again_ and so he’ll be stubborn and refuse to tag along. Who likes being a third wheel anyway?

Releasing another sigh, Jensen picks himself up from the floor and gathers his clothes from the various areas they have been tossed or dropped. Once he is fully dressed he turns to face his boyfriend and looks at him expectantly.

Jared keeps eye contact for a moment then looks away with a shake of his head and picks up his car keys from the counter. “I won’t be out that late; you don’t have to wait up for me though if you get tired.”

Jensen’s shoulders slump in resignation and he nods his head dejectedly. “Alright then, have a good time,” he whispers softly.

Jared’s face scrunches up as if in pain, sadness and guilt shining in his eyes. “I love you Jen,” he says quietly.

“Yeah, I know.” It takes pure will to keep his lower lip from trembling as he says this, not wanting Jared to see how hurt he is.

Jared just continues to look at him with that look on his face and in his eyes for a moment before finally turning and exiting the trailer. Jensen watches him go, enough sorrow emitting off him to suffocate anyone in the room.

“I love you too,” he whispers but the empty room is all that is listening.


	2. Chapter 2

After sitting in Jared’s trailer for what feels like hours, but in reality couldn’t have been any longer than fifteen minutes, Jensen picks himself up from the floor and checks his pocket for his keys. Pulling them from his jeans, he moves to the door but stops as soon as his hand reaches the doorknob.

Glancing behind him, Jensen stares at the wall Jared had pinned him to and a sense of guilt washes over him. He knows he shouldn’t have expected Jared to choose him over his best friend, was selfish on his part. He sees Jared every day and he can’t blame Jared for wanting to spend some time with his friend. After all, he doesn’t get to see Chad that often.

Still, Jensen can’t help but feel like he comes in second best as far as Chad is concerned. Just once he’d like for Jared to choose him, stick with their plans and tell Chad he’d meet up with him the following night. He knows Jared loves him, but sometimes he doesn’t _feel_ it. Call it insecurity if you want but he can’t help feeling as though he isn’t as important to Jared as Chad so obviously is.

Then there’s the fact that Jensen feels threatened by Chad. He knows Jared would never cheat on him, and he trusts him completely, but that doesn’t change the fact that Chad is harboring some deep feelings for Jared. He has seen the challenge in his eyes as plain as day. He knows Chad is just waiting for the opportunity to jump in and make his move.

He also gets the feeling that these feelings are reciprocated. He sees the way Jared looks at Chad sometimes, the longing in his eyes and barely concealed lust. It bothers Jensen to no end but he has never said anything to Jared, he knows the younger man would deny having any attraction towards his friend and then they woul just end up arguing.

He knows that Jared would never act on those feelings though. He finds comfort in the knowledge that Jared is with him and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize their relationship. He knows Jared wants to be with him, and obviously more than he wants to be with Chad otherwise he would have broken up with him by now.

No, Jensen knows that Jared loves him, but that doesn’t stop him from worrying. Can’t help wondering if there will be a day Jared’s love for him won’t be enough, is worried Chad will seduce him and he’ll lose Jared for good. He might be way off base here, plagued with irrational fear, but that knowledge doesn’t take away the unease. He’s afraid of losing the man he loves; can anyone really blame him for that?

 _You need to stop thinking about it Jensen, you’ll drive yourself insane_ , he silently scolds himself.

Releasing a heavy, resigned sigh, Jensen finally turns the doorknob and steps out into the night. Instantly, rain hits him in the face and he has to squint his eyes to protect them from the cold liquid. It is raining harder than it was earlier but Jensen pays it no attention as he shuts the door to the trailer and begins the walk towards his car.

Not many people are still on set so no one bothers him, which he's grateful for because he is in no mood for conversation. He just wants to get back to Jared's place, which is more like home to him than his own apartment, crawl under the covers of his bed and pretend the world doesn't exist. Least of all, he doesn't want to think about Jared, but his mind seemingly is content with sadistically torturing him.

By the time he reaches his car he is thoroughly soaked and shivering from the cold. He feels utterly miserable and is sure his mood is obvious just by looking at him. His night has gone from good to bad, all in the span of a few minutes it seems and he knows it isn't going to get any better.

Unlocking his car, he gets in the driver's seat and slams the door shut, shielding himself from the rain. Leaning back against the headrest, he closes his eyes and tries to lighten the despair he feels inside. He feels kind of foolish for how down he has become. He is acting like Jared is breaking up with him; not going out for drinks with a friend. He _knows_ he is being stupid and that's why he's so ashamed.

He needs to figure out a way to deal with his jealousy and insecurity because right now all it is doing is interfering with their relationship. He's worried that his jealousy will eventually push Jared away, and what would happen then? It could very well push Jared straight into the arms Jensen's trying so hard to keep him away from.

 _Maybe Jared's right_ , Jensen realizes solemnly, _maybe I need to learn to put a little more trust in him._

Opening his guilt ridden eyes, Jensen jams the key into the ignition and the car roars to life. Backing out of the parking space, he drives out onto the main road and turns on the windshield wipers so he can see a little easier against the pouring rain blinding his vision.

As he drives he thinks about their conversation in the trailer just before Jared left and he comes to the conclusion that he was being unreasonable. Silently he vows that he'll make it up to Jared, it's the least he can do for being such a prick.

In silence, he contemplates what he could do tomorrow night in way of an apology. He briefly considers ordering take out from Jared's favorite restaurant but quickly dismisses the idea. That's something they do often, and it just doesn't seem like enough. He knows he should arrange for the three of them to go out and do something, Jared would love for him to make the effort of giving Chad a chance, but he can't bring himself to even consider the idea. Maybe one day he'll be able to put his pride aside for Jared's sake, but that's just not something he can do right now, it's just too soon.

A smile slowly grows on Jensen's face as an idea comes to his mind, knowing it will be something Jared will love. Jensen isn't fond of cooking but he broke down one morning and cooked breakfast for the two of them. Jared has begged Jensen to cook for him ever since but Jensen has been stubborn and refuses. He figures he can buy the supplies and make home made lasagna from scratch, just the way his mama makes it. It won't fix their problems but it'll put a smile on Jared's face, and hopefully be a step in the right direction.

 _We could also sit down and watch the Goonies after dinner_ , Jensen decides, recalling how much Jared loves that movie and how he's been pestering Jensen to watch it with him.

Reaching blinding in his jacket pocket, he pulls out his cell phone and dials Jared's number. It immediately goes to voice mail, indicating that Jared has turned off his cell, and Jensen frowns in dismay. He knows he should've expected as much though because Jared had been pretty upset when he left.

"Hey Jared, this is Jensen," he begins after hearing the beep signifying to leave a message. "Look, man, I'm really sorry for how I acted, I was out of line. I'm gonna make the effort to get along with Chad, I know how much that means to you."

He pauses briefly before continuing, "I was thinking we could do something tomorrow night, just the two of us. I really want to make this up to you Jay. You could come around my place at 8 o'clock, there'll be a surprise waiting for you."

Once again he pauses, releasing a tired sigh into the receiver. "Please forgive me, Jared; I am truly sorry for everything... I love you."

As soon as the words leave his lips the phone beeps, telling him time has run out for him to say anything else, and a moment later all he can hear on the other end is dead air. There wasn't much else he could think to say anyway, so he flips his phone shut and tosses it onto the passenger seat.

Despite having said all he needed Jared to know, the feeling of despair hasn't eased its grip from around Jensen's heart and he doubts it will until Jared calls and says he forgives him. He really needs to talk to Jared right now and set things right between them, but it is obvious Jared doesn’t want to talk to him. Part of him considers finding his boyfriend, but he doesn't know what bar they went to. Besides, his presence would probably only upset Jared and they'd end up fighting; causing a scene.

Jensen flinches when he realizes Jared's probably complaining to Chad about him, confessing all their relationship problems and drawing comfort from his friend. He hates the thought of Jared being consoled by _Chad_ of all people, mainly because Chad's motives are anything but innocent.

 _Alright, you need to stop thinking like this, otherwise you'll be worrying all night and jealousy will rear its ugly head again_ , Jensen tells himself as he tries desperately to calm himself down.

Deciding it's not late enough for the stores to be closed; he drives past Jared's street and heads to the closest grocery store. He figures it would be best to pick up the supplies for their dinner now rather than try to find the time to do it tomorrow. He isn't quite ready to go to Jared's right now anyway, he'll have nothing to do but think and that's the last thing he wants to do.

He turns on the radio to drown out the silence, but when the latest Hilary Duff single comes blaring through the speakers he cringes and quickly puts in a CD. He relaxes a little in his seat as Motley Crue begins playing and he softly sings along.

As he is driving through a street light he only has time to gasp in surprise and fear when he snaps his head toward his window, blinding light having captured his attention.

The sound of squealing breaks, shattering glass, and a pain filled scream break the silence of the night...

۞ ۞ ۞

Jared laughs heartily at his friend sitting across from him, feeling happy for the first time since he entered the bar. He's been in a solemn mood from the moment he left Jensen standing alone in his trailer and was afraid his mood would be ruined for the entire night.

He felt a little bad about leaving Jensen like that; knows they should have talked things through and tried to resolve their issues instead of running away from it. He is just so tired of fighting though. It is just the same ol' argument and he's slowly being defeated by it. He loves Jensen but sometimes he wonders if it is worth it. Things don't seem to be getting any better and he's beginning to think they never will.

Jared feels like they’re heading toward a breakup and it’s just about tearing him in two. The last thing he wants is to lose Jensen, he has honestly never been more in love with somebody before. He doesn’t really know if he has a choice anymore though because, while he may love Jensen, he knows he can’t go on living like this much longer.

It isn’t really so much Jensen’s jealousy towards Chad that bothers Jared; it’s the fact that Jensen obviously doesn’t have much trust in him. He should know that if Chad tried anything he’d put a stop to it before anything could happen. It is the fact of Jensen having very little faith in him that upsets Jared and hurts so much.

Like stated before, Jared’s mood was sour the moment he left Jensen standing in his trailer. Chad was able to bring Jared out of the funk he found himself in though, and he is grateful to him for it. It feels good to be smiling and laughing with an old friend rather than wallowing in self pity. He has relaxed for the first time tonight and he wants it to last as long as possible.

It is getting late however, and he knows he can’t stay out all night. He only hopes Jensen didn’t decide to stay at his place tonight because he offered to let Chad stay while he is in town, and the last thing Jared wants is to go home to an argument. He knows Jensen probably won’t be very happy about it, but there was no way Jared could make his friend stay at a hotel, he’d feel too guilty.

“I hope you’re fully stocked up on food man, ‘cause I’m startin’ to feel pretty damn hungry.” Chad says as he makes a big show of rubbing his stomach and licking his lips.

“You better not eat all my groceries while you’re visiting asshole, because I will kick your ass if you do!” Jared warns his friend, trying to sound stern but not really able to pull it off.

Chad lets out a bark of laughter. “Dude, you’re the nonstop eater in this relationship! I swear I have to go shopping after you leave my house, it happens every time!”

“I’ll admit I have a pretty big appetite, but I don’t eat _that_ much.” Jared defends himself, an indigent expression on his face. “Besides, if you have to go grocery shopping after I leave it’s only because you barely have any food in your house in the first place!”

“I guess it’s a good thing otherwise you’d just eat it all anyway.” Chad smirks, shrugging his shoulders. “Why should I spend the money for you to eat all my food? Nah, I’d rather go shopping after you leave so _I_ have something to eat.”

“Whatever, you’re just jealous,” Jared responds, and if there is a slight pout on his lips he would never admit it.

Chad quirks an eyebrow, smirk deepening on his face. “Jealous? What exactly am I jealous of?”

“The fact that I can eat like I do and still look this good,” Jared places a shit-eating grin on his face as he says this, making a hand gesture towards his body.

Jared feels a bit warm when Chad’s eyes fall with the movement, openly ogling him and giving an unconscious nod of his head. Jared lets loose a nervous cough, shifting in his seat, feeling slightly uncomfortable now with that intense look in Chad’s eyes. He doesn’t have to have a mirror to know there’s a flush settled deeply on his cheeks and running the length of his neck.

He clears his suddenly dry throat, swallowing down the lump that has formed there, and gives his friend a weak smile when Chad’s eyes snap up to meet his head-on. He watches as lust bleeds out of his friend’s eyes, returning to their natural color, and decides now would be a good time to head back home. The last thing either of them needs is more alcohol. _We’ve had more than enough_ , he tells himself silently, shivering unconsciously when thinking back on the blatant want in his friend’s eyes.

“Alright, man, it’s getting late. What ya say we get outta here and call it a night?” Jared suggests as he stands up and Chad soon follows.

“I could still go a few rounds, been a while since I’ve had the time off to just relax.”

“Yeah but I have to work tomorrow, and Kim will kill me if I come in hung over.”

“I’m willing to make the sacrifice.” Chad says as he leads the way out of the bar.

“ _You_ wouldn’t be the one making the sacrifice,” Jared responds dryly. “I’m not taking the risk, sorry.”

Chad’s only reply is a chuckle and a pat on Jared’s back. As Jared is pulling his keys out of his pocket he also decides to take out his cell phone and turn it on. Seeing he has a voice message, he calls voice mail and waits patiently for it to play. He already knows it’s Jensen though, and he isn’t too sure he wants to hear what he has to say.

A Pensive expression crosses his features as he listens intently to Jensen’s voice apologizing to him. He can’t help but snort when Jensen suggests they get together tomorrow night, just the two of them, because he wants to make it up to him.

 _Oh, yeah, that’s gonna make things all better_ , Jared thinks sarcastically to himself, slightly angry. _If he really wanted to fix things he’d suggest we all hang out together, not have a night to ourselves!_

Jared closes his phone with an angry snap once the message ends and avoids Chad’s questioning gaze. Placing his phone back in his pocket, he unlocks the door and proceeds to get in his car. Chad’s hand on his arm prevents him, though. He lets out a sigh, knowing Chad won’t let this go, and turns to face his friend.

“What was that?” Chad asks bluntly.

“It was nothing, just ignore it. I just want to go home and get some sleep,” Jared tries to avoid the conversation.

“Bullshit,” Chad crosses his arms over his chest, “that was Jensen, wasn’t it? I can tell you’re upset J.T. and the only one who could bring you down right now is him.”

“Yeah, it was Jensen,” Jared admits softly, “but I don’t want to talk about it so just drop it, okay?”

Chad shakes his head at this and says, “You deserve better.”

Before Jared can respond his cell phone begins to ring; the vibration against his hip startling him. He has to refrain from letting out a groan that Chad will hear because he’s sure Jensen is calling again and he doesn’t want to explain to Chad why he doesn’t want to talk to his boyfriend right now.

Reluctantly, he flips his phone open. “Yeah?” he answers with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

“Hello sir, I’m looking for a Jared Padalecki.”

Jared frowns at the unfamiliar voice, “This is him.”

“I’m calling from County General Hospital, we brought in a patient by the name of Jensen Ackles a couple of hours ago and I’m calling because you’re his only emergency contact,” the nurse explains in a rehearsed tone of voice.

Jared’s blood freezes in his veins when he hears this and it takes him a moment to find his voice. “What happened, is he okay?”

“I can’t give you any details, but he was involved in a car accident this evening. The doctor can explain more to you when you arrive.”

“I’ll be right there,” Jared says quickly before snapping his phone shut.

Without saying anything, Jared automatically climbs into his car and slams the door closed. Chad quickly climbs in beside him and watches in concern, questions within his eyes. Jared provides no answers as he starts the car and peels out of the parking lot.

“You’re starting to scare me here man. What’s wrong?” Chad asks nervously.

Jared swallows thickly. “Jen’s been in an accident.”

Silence follows his answer, and he doesn’t have to look to know there is a shocked expression on his friend’s face. He doesn’t care about what Chad is thinking though, all he can focus on is Jensen and hope to God he is okay.


	3. Chapter 3

Jared practically slams on the brakes once he reaches the hospital and Chad has to grip onto the car door for leverage. Jared tears at his seat belt as he parks in front of the building and is out of the car in a flash, remembering to kill the engine at the last minute.

Chad rushes out of the car and over to his friend, grabbing his arm to get his attention and to get him to calm down. Before he can tell him to calm down and not jump to conclusions however Jared rips his arm out of his grasp and is literally running to the entrance of the hospital.

Chad lets out a sigh before running to catch up. Jared doesn’t stop until he reaches the front desk, slapping his hands against the wooden counter top a few times to catch the nurse’s attention. Briefly, she glares at him in irritation and then asks in a clipped tone, “How may I help you?”

“I was called in because my boyfriend was in an accident,” Jared says without thinking, too busy worrying over Jensen to think about the fact that he just outed the both of them to some bitchy nurse.

“What’s his name?” She asks, turning her attention to the computer in front of her.

“Jensen Ackles.”

She types the name into the computer while Jared waits impatiently; wanting to know what happened to his boyfriend and wanting some damn answers _right now_. “Yes, I have him right here, he is the accident victim that was brought in. I’ll contact his doctor and have him come speak with you. In the meantime please have a seat in the waiting room.” She responds, pointing in the direction of said waiting room.

Jared wants to scream, or hit something, but before he can vent his frustration Chad is gripping his bicep and pulling him toward some chairs. He allows himself to be pushed down into an uncomfortable chair and drops his head into his hands. He is at a complete and total loss as to what to do, he feels helpless and scared. He doesn’t know what condition his boyfriend is in; therefore he doesn’t know how to handle the situation. All he can keep thinking about is the last conversation he had with Jensen, which was at his trailer.

 _The last conversation I had with Jen was an argument_ , Jared torments himself, recalling the hurt in Jensen’s eyes just before he left to meet up with Chad. Right now he would give anything to go back in time and stop himself from walking out that door, from walking away from Jensen.

His mind keeps coming up with scenario after scenario of what kind of state Jensen could be in right now. He knows this is doing him no good and that he shouldn’t be tormenting himself like this, but he can’t help it. He keeps telling himself there is a possibility that it could have been just a minor car accident, nothing too serious. He wants to believe that, needs desperately to think positively, but it isn’t helping him in the slightest.

Then there’s the fact that he can’t help wondering about the state of mind Jensen had been in before the accident. He hopes to God his boyfriend wasn’t distraught and not thinking straight, it would kill Jared if this was somehow his fault.

That’s what it boils down to, the blind panic and guilt coursing through him, he can’t help thinking that this is all his fault. They had argued, he stormed off, leaving Jensen there alone even though he knew his boyfriend was hurting, and now Jensen is lying somewhere in this hospital possibly fighting for his life.

“Someone should call his parents once we talk to the doctor, once we know how serious it is,” Jared speaks softly, voice sounding miserable and slightly dazed.

“I can make the call if you want me to,” Chad offers and Jared is grateful, he isn’t too sure he is in the right frame of mind to bring possible bad news to Jensen’s family. Plus, he knows how well Chad and Jensen get along, so for Chad to offer to phone Jensen’s family… Jared appreciates it; is glad to have his friend here for support.

“He has to be okay, I don’t know what I’ll do if he isn’t… I just… he has to be okay, he just _has_ to be.” Jared lowers his head and covers his face with his hands, body starting to tremble, tears stinging the back of his eyelids.

“Hey, Jay, everything’s gonna be okay,” Chad consoles, placing a hand on Jared’s back, rubbing soothingly. “Jensen’s one tough and stubborn son-of-a-bitch, he’s gonna be alright… you’ll see.”

“I hope you’re right ‘cause I can’t lose him… I just can’t.”

۞ ۞ ۞

Jared lets out a sigh filled with worry and irritation, slouching back in his seat and training his eyes on the waiting room entrance. He isn’t sure how long he has been sitting here but it feels like forever. The doctor has yet to come out and let him know how Jensen is doing and the wait is becoming too much for him to bear.

His eyes cut over to where Chad stands in front of him at the opposite side of the room, leaning against the wall for support, head tilted back with his eyes closed. Chad looks so nonchalant and relaxed; almost bored. He has an irrational urge to yell at the blonde, demand an answer to how he can look so calm, but he knows he would just be taking his worry out on his friend and he doesn’t want to do that. He isn’t mean-spirited.

Jared takes a deep breath and lets it out in a huff, needing to get a grip on himself before he does something he will surely regret. Chad opens his eyes at the sound, lowering his head to lock blue irises with Jared’s hazel. Concern clouds his eyes like an oncoming storm when he takes in Jared’s current state and Jared turns his head away like this action will help him hide from the scrutiny.

Chad lets out a sigh as he pushes away from the wall and takes a seat next to his friend. He raises his hand, stopping in midair in a moment of hesitation before dropping it onto Jared’s shoulder and squeezing reassuringly. Jared slides his eyes over to his friend’s once more, trying to smile gratefully but only managing a small watery one filled with fear.

“You need to try to calm yourself down dude, at this rate you’re gonna have a panic attack,” Chad says, keeping his tone light and soft. “I know you’re worried about him, I can understand that, but you’re gonna be no good to him if you work yourself up like this.”

Jared lets out a soundless sigh, running a hand through his hair, and nods his head. “I know that, I do, it’s just… I’ve been trying to calm myself down since we got here and I’m not being very successful. Every worst case scenario I can imagine is running through my head, replaying over and over again, and I’m fuckin’ tormenting myself man.”

“I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you, so I won’t even try and say I know what you’re going through, but you need to try to stay positive, if not for yourself than do it for him. I know for sure he wouldn’t want you going into a panic attack, wouldn’t want you risking your health like this. He needs you to be strong right now; you think you can do that?”

Jared takes a deep, calming breath before nodding his head. “I’m glad you’re here with me, Chad, I don’t think I could handle this alone. It means a lot to me, having you sit here with me, especially since I know how you really feel about Jen.”

“Hey, I may not like the guy very much but I would never want something like this to happen to him,” Chad’s tone is defensive and offended, looking at Jared with a slightly hurt expression. “I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, and I wouldn’t want to see him hurt like this... I’m not that much of a jackass.”

Jared’s eyes widen and the guilt builds up beneath his chest, solid and unyielding. “Shit, I’m sorry, Chad! You have to know I didn‘t mean anything by that… I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I just meant that I know how you feel about him, the last thing you’d ever want to do is wait in the waiting room of a hospital for _this_ long just to find out how he’s doing. The fact that you’re here for me means a lot and I just wanted you to know how grateful I am.”

“Doesn’t matter what my feelings for the guy are, I’d still be here even if I hated him, simply because I know you love him and you need my support right now. You’re my best friend, Jared, and I’ll always be here when you need me.”

Jared smiles gratefully as he briefly leans into Chad’s hand, his way of showing his appreciation. Chad squeezes his shoulder reassuringly and then takes it away when Jared moves to rest his elbows on his knees, propping his chin up with the palm of his right hand. He glares down at the white tiles of the floor, lost within his own thoughts once more.

“Look, the cafeteria ain’t that far, I need a pick-me-up, you want me to grab you a coffee or something?” Chad asks after clearing his throat, breaking the tense silence that has enveloped them.

“I don’t think caffeine is a good idea right now…” Jared says wearily, tossing a concerned yet hopeful glance at the doorway, as though the doctor will just somehow materialize out of thin air now that Jared is watching for him. “Could you just grab me a bottle of water or some juice?”

“Sure thing,” Chad says as he rises to his feet once more. “I won’t be gone long; I’ll rush back as soon as I have our drinks.”

“Thanks,” Jared mutters to the floor as his friend leaves the waiting room.

 _Why did this have to happen?_ He silently asks as he glues his eyes to the waiting area entrance, wanting to see the doctor the second he enters the room. He wraps his arms around his ribs, hugging himself to ward off the pain and worry assailing him. _Come on, Jen, you have to pull through this; you have to be okay… I need you._

He can’t help thinking back on the last time he spoke to his lover, recalling the argument they had and every word that was said. _“Well, he’s my friend Jensen, please try to get used to that. I’ve known him for a long time and I’m not just gonna drop him because you‘re jealous of him.”_ His mind keeps reverting back to these words and it’s like a stab to his heart each time. Sure, he meant what he said, but he knows those words were probably like a punch to the gut for Jensen.

Jared’s face scrunches up as though in physical pain when he thinks about the call Jensen left on his cell phone. He had been so upset with his boyfriend, so irritated at the time that he didn’t want to speak to the light-haired man. Now he would give anything to be able to speak to the man his heart belongs to. He knows Jensen was trying to make it up to him by planning something special for the two of them, but he had been angry because he felt Jensen wasn’t doing enough. _Wasn’t giving you what you wanted, wasn‘t giving in and letting you have things your way_ , an infuriating voice tells him, throwing the shameful truth in his face.

 _"Please forgive me, Jared; I am truly sorry for everything... I love you."_ God, more than anything he wants to tell Jensen that he forgives him, that he knows some of the blame lies with himself as well and that he is sorry and he will try harder to be the man Jensen needs, be the boyfriend he deserves.

He wishes desperately that this weren’t real, that he could somehow wake up from this nightmare and have Jensen sleeping peacefully, safe, pressed against his side.

۞ ۞ ۞

True to his word, Chad returns within fifteen minutes, a cup of coffee and a bottle of water in hand. Jared thanks him softly, unscrewing the cap and taking a few gulps of the water, it does nothing to dislodge the lump that has formed in his throat though. Jared says nothing when Chad takes a seat next to him once more and the silence between them is deafening. Chad makes no attempts to start a conversation, which Jared is grateful for because he just isn’t in the mood for conversation; would probably break down into tears the moment he opened his mouth.

Ever since they arrived at the hospital Jared hasn’t felt much of anything besides numb and fearful. He can feel the threat of tears in his eyes now, knows he won’t be able to hold them back once he knows how Jensen is doing, but for now he has a handle on his building emotions.

Jared jumps up the moment he spies a doctor heading toward the waiting room, watching the middle aged man with hope in his eyes, praying to God this is the doctor treating Jensen. He isn’t sure how much more of this he can take, the wait is killing him and if somebody doesn’t tell him something very soon he just may lose his mind. The expression on the man’s face is neutral, giving nothing away, and Jared feels like strangling him.

The man stops in the doorway, glancing around at the room’s occupants. “I’m looking for the family of Jensen Ackles.”

“I’m his boyfriend… I’m listed as his emergency contact,” Jared says as an after thought so there is no mistake and before the doctor can say he can’t tell him anything because he isn’t immediate family or some stupid shit like that. “How is he, can I go see him?”

“At this time he isn’t awake…”

“I don’t care, I want to see him,” Jared interrupts, impatient and demanding.

The doctor lets out a sigh, sympathetic eyes trained on Jared, and gives a nod of his head. “Alright, I’ll take you to him in a moment, I’ll just give you the details of his condition and then…”

“Please, doc, I _really_ want to know how he’s doing, but… can you please just take me to him right now? I need to see him with my own eyes, I need that reassurance.” Jared is aware that he is pleading, begging the doctor not to keep him away from Jensen a moment longer, but at this point he really doesn’t care. He has been waiting for far too long and he needs to lay his eyes on his boyfriend, see that he is still breathing, still here with him. “Can you fill me in on his condition once I’ve seen him? Please?”

The doctor sighs once more but motions for them to follow him. “Follow me, I’ll take you to him, but don’t be surprised by what you see, he was rather banged up in the accident.”

Jared merely nods his head quickly, eager to see Jensen, and follows the doctor to a set of elevators nearby, Chad tagging along silently. The ride up to the third floor seems to drag by slowly and the silence is so thick it feels to Jared like the sound of his breathing has been magnified. He ignores the apprehension flowing through his body, worried about what he will see when they reach Jensen’s room, and obediently follows the doctor out of the elevator.

They pass several doors before the doctor opens one to the right and motions Jared inside. He cuts a glance at Chad, searching for support, before taking a deep breath and brushing passed the doctor on his way inside the dimly lit room. He has to stifle a sob when his eyes land on Jensen lying prone in pristine white sheets, taking in the pallor of his face and the dark rings around his eyes. Cuts and bruises line his still face, dried blood crusted in places, and Jared is nearly brought to his knees when he sees the bandage wrapped around Jensen’s head.

Jared steps up to Jensen’s bedside, mindful of all the wires, and takes Jensen’s limp hand in his own gently. The sight of his boyfriend is terrifying but he is just so glad to be at his side, can see him breathing and alive, this fact makes the sight a touch easier to handle. His lower lip trembles as he gazes down upon Jensen’s lax features but he refuses to let the tears fall. _Not yet_ , he tells himself.

He forces his eyes away from his lover and faces the doctor. Chad is lingering in the doorway, looking uncomfortable, unable to draw his eyes away from Jensen, the expression on his face troubled, but Jared pays him no mind. He fixes his stare on the doctor instead and takes a deep breath to calm himself.

“How is he, doc?” He asks quietly, warily.

“He has sustained some contusions to his torso and all along the left side of his body in the collision, as well as two fractured ribs, a punctured lung and his left arm was broken during the impact,” Doctor Stevens tells him in a solemn tone. “Since the collision occurred on the driver’s side the left side of his body took the most damage. I performed surgery the moment he was admitted and was able to patch up his lung, it should heal real nicely. His right ankle was badly sprained in the crash but luckily it didn’t break. All of his injuries should heal properly given enough time, there is no permanent damage.”

“That must’ve been terrifying for him,” Jared mutters to himself as he turns his attention back to Jensen, looking down at him with sad and guilty eyes.

He leans down and places a gentle kiss to his forehead, careful not to put too much pressure. He highly doubts a simple kiss would rouse his lover, he is probably pretty doped up on morphine right now, but he is still careful and mindful in his actions. “I’m so sorry this happened to you, baby, I’m sorry you had to go through that alone,” he whispers in Jensen’s ear as a tear slides down his face and lands in the crook of Jensen’s neck. “I’m here now though, and I’m not going anywhere, so you get better, ya hear me.”

“However…” Doctor Steven’s speaks up once more, drawing Jared’s attention at the grave tone of his voice. “It’s the head injury that concerns me.”

Jared draws himself to his full height once more and gives the doctor a wary look, dread building in the pit of his stomach, knowing he isn’t going to like what he is about to hear.


	4. Chapter 4

His body feels weighed down and lethargic as he is slowly pulled into awareness and he is a little surprised by how weak he feels. He tries to recall what could have possibly happened to him to put him in such a state but his mind draws a blank each time. Disorientation has a strong hold on him at the moment. It is a struggle for him to open his eyes and he only manages to get them open at half mast before blinding light makes him grimace and he promptly closes them tight.

A groan is pulled from his lips as he attempts to shift away from the bright light, lethargy making this difficult, so he settles with turning his head in the opposite direction. He lays there motionless for a moment, breathing deeply through his nose, trying to gain his bearings. He tries once more to slide his eyes open and is more successful a second time around.

The first sight his eyes are met with happens to be a white wall with a solitary wood door that he assumes leads to a bathroom. Sweeping his aching eyes over the room, vision blurry without his contacts or glasses, it isn’t too hard for him to figure out he is in a hospital. The hospital equipment and IV in his right arm are enough indication for him anyway.

He doesn’t have to search his memory for what happened to land him in a hospital, images of the accident flow through his mind almost immediately… rain pouring down in sheets, bright light blinding him, pain to the extent of which he has never experienced before, and then… nothing.

Jensen clears his mind of this, not wanting to relive that moment, and glances around the room once more. He is slightly disappointed when he acknowledges the fact that no one is here, waking up alone isn’t a good feeling, but he tries to stamp down the initial emotion. _Jared’s probably in the cafeteria, or he stepped out for a moment and he’ll be back any minute now_ , he tells himself to make him feel better about the situation.

Jensen glances down at his body, assessing the damage and frowning at what he sees. His head is swimming with confusion. He was just in an accident; shouldn’t he have an assortment of injuries? Other than a little weakness he seems to be in pretty good shape. _Maybe I wasn’t as hurt in the accident as I assumed I’d be_ , he thinks with a mental shrug.

He is still feeling quite tired, even though he just woke up, and falling back to sleep sounds pretty appealing right now. He wants to shut off his brain, put a stop to the many thoughts and questions assailing his mind long enough so he can sleep, but it just isn’t happening. Despite how tempting the idea of falling asleep is, what he really wants the most is to see Jared. The fight they had is at the forefront of his mind and he would like nothing more than to apologize, tell him he was wrong and that he is sorry for making such a hassle.

His jealousy of Chad Michael Murray just isn’t worth the risk of losing Jared; the accident has certainly made that clear to him. He can learn to live with Chad and his feelings for Jensen’s boyfriend if that is what it takes, he can do that for Jared. He loves that overgrown puppy and would do anything for him without even the slightest hesitation, so if Jared wants Jensen to give Chad a chance… well, then that is exactly what he will do.

Jensen lets out a sigh, his eyes heavy but no closer to falling asleep than he was before. His body is begging for rest but his mind is adamantly keeping him conscious. He knows what is keeping him awake too. He needs to see Jared, needs to lay his eyes on the shaggy-haired man, know that he isn’t alone, and then he can allow himself to sleep. He vaguely wonders how Jared will react when he sees him. Will he be overjoyed to see him awake and okay or will he still be upset over the fight they had?

Jensen is pulled from his thoughts and his attention is drawn to the door when he hears the doorknob twist. He tries to tell himself that he isn’t disappointed when a young nurse enters the room but he was never very good at lying to himself. The young brunette stops in her tracks and looks at him with shocked eyes. He can’t help raising an eyebrow at her reaction, confused yet curious by her blatant surprise.

“You’re awake,” she breathes, still looking at him with those wide brown eyes.

 _So nice of you to state the obvious_ , he thinks to himself wryly. “Is…” Jensen immediately trails off, voice hoarse and scratchy, slightly painful. He clears his throat loudly, wincing at the burn this causes. His seriously dry throat makes talking nearly impossible but he still tries his best. “Water,” he presses out through gritted teeth and this seems to bring the nurse out of her daze as she jumps into action.

Jensen smiles his gratitude when the nurse lifts a spoon of ice chips to his mouth and he greedily sucks them in, sighing in relief as the cold wetness soothes his irritated throat. The nurse gives him a couple more ice chips before setting the cup on the meal tray off to the right side of the bed and tells him to just ask when he would like some more.

“Your parents will be thrilled to hear you’re awake, you’ve had many people worried about you mister,” the nurse says in a teasing tone of voice, a soft smile on her lips. “Your mom has stopped in every day since you were brought here, hard to get that woman to leave your side for very long… you are one loved man, let me tell ya.”

Jensen is surprised by this and is quite sure his face is currently revealing everything he is feeling and thinking at the moment. His parents are here? Exactly how long has he been unconscious? Why would his parents fly to Vancouver if the accident hadn’t even been that serious? And, damnit, where is Jared? He is just so confused right now, can’t wrap his head around what is going on, and he really needs Jared by his side to tell him everything is alright. He needs to see a familiar face, to have someone he knows explain things to him and help him through this.

“She is going to hate the fact that she wasn’t here when you woke up, I’ll just go give her a call a minute… you gonna be alright till I come back, don’t need anything?” She asks eyes trained intently on him, making him feel vaguely uncomfortable under the attention.

He simply gives a shake of his head, eager for her to leave. It isn’t that she isn’t a nice person, but right now his mind is all over the place and a moment to himself just might be what he needs. Nothing is making sense and he has the feeling he is missing something very important, only he has no idea what it could be. He has obviously been out of it long enough for his parents to fly in, which means Jared definitely has to know about the accident. But, from what he can tell, he doesn’t seem to be too injured. His parents have always been a bit overprotective though, so that might explain the quick flight to Vancouver.

Now, lying alone in the slightly uncomfortable hospital bed, he kind of wishes he hadn’t let the nurse leave the room without telling him where Jared was first. Not that he doesn’t want to see his parents of course, but after the way things were left with Jared and then the accident… well, he’d just really like to see his boyfriend.

He tries his best to stay awake and alert for when the nurse returns or, better yet, Jared, but the need to close his eyes is too powerful and the urge to sleep too demanding. He drifts off to sleep with a confused expression deep on his facial features.

۞ ۞ ۞

His eyelids are heavy with the remains of sleep when they flutter open after an undetermined amount of time. That damn disorientation is back with a vengeance but at least this time he’s aware of his surroundings, knows he is lying in a hospital room, hooked up to various machines. A soft sob from the left of him captures his attention and he turns his head to find his mom sitting in the chair at his bedside, tear filled eyes watching him with overwhelming relief and happiness. His dad stands behind her, hand on her shoulder, looking at him as well but Jensen is struck by the emotion he finds on his mom’s face.

Tentatively, she reaches out and grips onto his hand, squeezing it briefly as though to reassure herself that he is really there. Jensen offers her a small smile, confusion evident but the joy of seeing them again plain as day. Tears spill down her cheeks unchecked as she hauls herself out of her chair and practically launches herself at him, nearly squeezing the breath out of him when she wraps him up in her arms. The move surprises him and he raises his startled eyes to his dad but what he finds there is just as surprising. In all his years he has never seen his dad cry, the man is too proud for that, but right now there are honest to God tears in his dad’s eyes and he is just as much astounded by the sight as he is perturbed.

Sure, he had been expecting relief, and maybe some tears of happiness from his mom. But he hadn’t been expecting such an emotional display from a man who has always kept his emotions in check. The death grip his mom has on him is unusual as well, and he can tell the emotion backing it up is deeper than mere relief. There is relief, obviously, but there also happens to be a hint of desperation and previous suffering.

 _What the hell is going on?_ He silently questions as he wraps his arms around his mom the best he can and returns the embrace, albeit weakly. He can already tell that is going to get old quick, this weakness hindering him. He figures it is probably a small price to pay though, considering the alternative.

After a few long moments Jensen finally gets his mom to release her death grip on him and return to her seat. She drags the chair impossibly closer to his bedside and takes his hand in hers; making Jensen assume she’s afraid of losing contact with him. For the life of him he can’t understand this desperation pouring off his mom in waves, can’t understand why they are both so upset.

“Not to sound ungrateful or anything, but you didn’t have to come all the way to Vancouver to see me. As you can tell, I’m fine,” Jensen says with a smile, relying on slight humor to defuse the tension.

His parents share a look, words silently passing between them, and Jensen’s brow furrows in suspicion at the wary expressions on their faces. Nothing good can come from that look, Jensen knows, but his curiosity has been peaked and it will drive him crazy until they clue him in on what’s going on. He figures he has a right to know since it somehow involves him.

“What?” Jensen asks with narrowed eyes, assessing them critically. “What is it you’re not telling me?”

“Jensen, honey…” his mom starts in that soothing tone of hers that says she’s about to give him bad news. “You’re not in Vancouver, you’re in Texas. You were flown here sometime after your accident.”

Jensen’s eyes widen at this new and startling information. Why would they fly him home? What the hell is going on? And why does it seem like his mom is withholding a vital piece of information from him, coddling him like he’s too fragile to be hearing this so soon? He wishes she would stop babying him and just tell him the truth. Whatever it is he can take it. At least, he hopes he can.

“Why would they fly me home? I don’t… I just don’t understand. What is going on mom?” He pleads with her to explain, stop running around in circles and just tell him what is going on. “What happened?”

“We took the soonest flight out of Texas the moment we heard about your accident.” His dad begins, taking up the conversation when his mom appears to have trouble getting any words out. “You were in pretty bad shape when we got there… it was hard seeing you like that. The doctor hadn’t had any positive news to give us either. You were pretty injured in the accident, nothing that wouldn’t heal properly given time, but your head injury was what had everyone worried.”

Jensen does his best to take this in stride, not show how effected he is by what he is hearing, but he figures something on his face must give him away because the hold his mom has on his hand tightens a fraction. He looks down at his body, not seeing any of these injuries his dad is talking about and suddenly feeling sick to his stomach. “How bad was my head injury?” He asks warily, unsure he wants to know but realizing he needs to all the same.

His dad shifts, a sure sign he’s uncomfortable. “I don’t know exactly, I was an emotional wreck at the time, all I know is you hit your head really hard in the impact and you had some swelling. It… it left you in a coma, Jensen, and that’s why we had you flown home, so we could visit you everyday.”

“The doctor told us all we could do was wait and see if you’d wake up but he wasn’t optimistic about it. He told us to prepare ourselves for the very real possibility that you may never wake up but I never gave up hope,” his mom tells him emotionally, tears brimming her eyes and spilling down her cheeks. “Deep down I knew you’d come back to us, you’d wake up, and no one could tell me any different.”

Jensen nods his head, lowering his eyes to stare at the thin blanket covering him, fingers picking at loose threads absentmindedly. Nothing could have prepared him to hear such things, and part of him so bewildered by it. You never think something like this could happen to you. You hear about such things all the time, but it never registers that it could happen to you, just seems so surreal until some unforeseen accident tosses you into such a situation. Jensen’s having a little trouble believing it to be true, he is still so detached from it that he’s having difficulty comprehending.

Jensen raises his eyes back to his dad’s drawn and weary face, biting his lip briefly, wondering if he should ask the question burning on his mind. “How…” he stops and takes a deep breath, “how long have I been in a coma?”

He eyes his parents carefully once the question is out in the open, searching their faces for any reluctance or hint of any withheld information. His parents simply return his stare for a moment, matching expressions of uncertainty on their faces. “You’ve been in a coma for the past four years honey,” his mom speaks softly, carefully like this will be the thing to push him over the proverbial edge.

These words hit him like a freight train and he can’t keep a gasp inside, mouth agape as he stares at his parents in silent shock. He doesn’t even know how to respond, is unsure he even wants to continue this conversation, not positive he has the strength to hear any more bad news. His parents seem to understand, which he is eternally grateful for. He knows they will need to discuss this at some point, he needs to know how much his life has changed, which it inevitably has to have because being in a coma for four years has to have some life altering repercussions. He’s a little afraid to find out right now though.

Licking his dry and chapped lips, he takes a deep breath and turns to look his mom in the eyes. “Where’s Jared?” he questions quietly, eyes unconsciously pleading with her.

She fidgets in her seat, turning her gaze away while worrying her lip. Jensen implores her with his eyes but she doesn’t return his gaze, reluctant to give anything away. He gives up on her a few minutes later and turns his pleading stare on his dad when she still won’t look his way. His dad squirms under the intensity and desperation of Jensen’s eyes, as reluctant as his mom is, and steels himself before looking his son in the eyes.

“He’s busy filming a movie, not quite sure where… we’ll contact him soon though and let him know you’re awake, I’m sure he’ll be dying to see you,” his dad says with a kind smile but there is something off about it, uncomfortable and secretive. He’s holding something back from him and Jensen knows by the look in his dad’s eyes that grilling him for an answer will get him exactly nowhere right now.

 _What aren’t they telling me?_ he silently questions as he openly observes them, searching for any clue as to what is going through their minds. He can’t interpret what is wrong though, the answer is just beneath the surface but out of reach at the same time. It’s frustrating and irritating but Jensen knows he will get nothing out of them right now.

He knows he shouldn’t expect Jared to be here, four years is a long time to wait, and he surely wouldn’t want the man to put his life on hold for so long, but he can’t help being a little disappointed. All he can hope is for Jared to get away from the movie set the moment he can and come see Jensen because he really needs the younger man right now. He feels like his life is coming apart at the seams and he needs the shaggy-haired man’s support and comforting smile. After everything he’s learned and is yet to be told, a sense of foreboding is thick and tangible. He needs his boyfriend to tell him everything will be alright because right now he feels like everything will soon fall apart beneath his feet.

“Can I have some time alone?” He asks after a moment of silence, voice withdrawn and on the verge of defeat.

“I don’t think that’s best right now. Jensen…” his mom immediately protests, eyes wide and imploring.

“Please, mom,” he pleads, voice chocked by barely held back emotion. “I really need a moment to myself, need some time to collect my thoughts and think over everything you’ve told me.”

“Come on, Donna; let’s give the boy a moment,” his dad prods her, hand on her arm and urging her out of the chair. He sends Jensen a soft, understanding smile before they slip quietly out of the room.

Jensen takes a deep breath once they leave and closes his eyes. Turning over onto his side is almost impossible given how weak and lethargic his body still is, and by the time he’s resting somewhat comfortably he has nearly exhausted himself. This is just another thing to add to the growing pile of things frustrating and bringing him down. He sighs when his eyes become heavy once more and he knows it won’t be long before he’s asleep again, can feel it deep down in his bones.

He curls in on himself the best that he can with sluggish and uncooperative limbs, looking for all the world like a lost and fragile child, and draws the blanket up to his chin. _Where are you, Jay, I need you_ , is his last thought before the depths of slumber drag him under.


	5. Chapter 5

There is just no other way to put it, Jared is exhausted. After a full day of filming, more retakes than he wants to admit to, and working some of his own stunts, all he wants to do is crash. His mom would take a spoon to him though if he doesn’t at least find something to eat for dinner. He figures he can always order some room service when he gets to the hotel and then he can sleep until his six o’ clock wake-up call comes in.

That idea couldn’t sound better to him, so when he pulls up to his hotel he climbs out of the backseat, waves goodbye to the driver, and slowly makes his way into the building. People pay him little to no attention as he makes his way to the elevator that will take him up to his floor. A moment later the elevator dings and opens its doors. He steps inside, feeling sluggish, and presses the button to his floor.

He lets out an inaudible sigh and leans back against the far wall of the elevator, aching in places he hasn’t felt since his days on Supernatural. He doesn’t do as many of his own stunts anymore and now he is definitely feeling the pain in his arms, legs, and back. A massage would definitely be appreciated right about now but he highly doubts he will have the pleasure of getting one in quite a while. He barely has any time to himself these days; far too busy filming to have a massage unless he gets one in his trailer between breaks. He knows it probably would be a hell of a lot easier if he just stayed on set in his trailer, but he likes to have space to move around and a hotel room beats a trailer any day.

He pushes away from the wall tiredly when the doors open and he slowly makes his way to his room. He slides his keycard in the slot and waits for the little flashing green light before pushing the door open and stumbling inside. He flips on some lights as he passes the switches and drops down onto his bed once it is within reaching distance. He toes off his shoes, kicking them away, and grabs the phone placed on the nightstand next to the bed.

He quickly orders the pot roast dinner before stripping down to his boxers and heading into the bathroom for a nice hot shower. He can hear his cell phone ringing from where he left it on the bed just as he turns the knobs on the shower but he figures it is probably just his mom or Chad and he can just call them back once he is finished with his shower. He is covered in dirt and sweat and he would seriously like to wash it off before he even tries doing anything else, and that includes talking on the phone.

A moan escapes his parted lips the moment he steps beneath the relaxing spray of hot water, and he stands there for a moment just enjoying it before reaching out for his coconut scented shampoo, sending goosebumps across his flesh when cold air hits it. He wastes no time with washing his hair thoroughly and then he gets to work on his grimy body. That is the only thing he doesn’t love about his work, sometimes it is required of him to get downright grubby.

Once his body is taken care of and as clean as it is going to get he allows himself to stand beneath the spray and let the water wash over him, relax him after a grueling day on set. He closes his eyes contentedly but snaps them open almost immediately when he sees a pair of shining green irises. He releases a shuddering sigh, lips trembling dangerously, and clenches his teeth at the sharp pain in his chest.

It has been four fucking years and that man still haunts him. Every time he closes his eyes he sees him, those bright green eyes forever waiting for him, and he isn’t even allowed a reprieve in his dreams because he finds him there sometimes as well. He just can’t move on, a part of him doesn’t even want to, but he can’t handle the pain this entitles. He can’t escape the pain he feels every time he thinks about the one person he still loves more than anything in this world and it breaks him down a little more each time.

Being rougher than strictly necessary, Jared turns off the shower and wraps a towel around his waist as he steps out. He exits the bathroom in a cloud of steam and moves over to his bag, pulling out a fresh pair of boxers and a tee. Drying off quickly, he changes into his clothes and grabs his discarded cell phone, bringing up the missed call log. Jared’s brow furrows when he finds Jensen’s dad’s name glaring up at him. They have kept in touch over the years of course, but what surprises Jared about their call is that they called him so late. They don’t usually call this late; he normally gets a call from them sometime during the afternoon.

Before he can call them back there is a knock at his door and the grumbling in his stomach hopes desperately that it is the room service he ordered. He opens the door to find a petite woman standing there with his food on the catering cart. He thanks her politely, good ol’ Texan mannerisms, and gives her a decent tip before shutting the door and taking his food to the lone table in the room.

He decides he should probably give the Ackles’ a call back before he eats since he isn’t sure when they plan on going to sleep. They must have been calling for a reason, it could be something important, and he doesn’t want to miss any news they might have on Jensen. His condition hasn’t really changed over the years, so hearing any good news is unlikely, but if they have anything new to tell him about Jensen than he doesn’t want to wait to hear it. Of course there could be no news on Jensen at all, but he can’t think of any other reason Donna or Alan could be calling him so late. 

He hits their number on his speed dial and waits impatiently as he listens to the ring. Donna’s voice fills his ears a moment later, sounding wide awake for the time in Texas.

“Hey, Donna, sorry I didn’t pick up earlier, I was in the shower,” Jared says in way of greeting.

“Jared, I’m sorry for calling so late, it hadn’t occurred to me at the time just how late it is there,” she says softly into the receiver, sounding honestly regretful.

“Don’t even worry about it; you know you can call me at any hour.” Jared dismisses it with a smile, which he hopes can be heard in his voice.

“How are you doing sweetie? I hope all is well with your family. Is everything good with Chad?” She rambles off question after question that raises Jared’s suspicion.

These aren’t questions she wants to be asking, she’s just filling space with questions instead of bringing up the real reason she called him, Jared can tell. What he doesn’t understand is why she sounds so uncomfortable. He can tell she is hiding something, could tell the moment he got on the phone with her. Something is going on and he doesn’t like being out of the loop.

“I’m fine, as is Chad and my family. Everything’s going good here; I’m just a little tired with filming and all,” Jared answers for the sake of being polite. “That’s not the reason you called me though, is it? What aren’t you telling me, Donna?”

She lets out a heavy sigh, the sound of it loud in Jared’s ear, and she remains silent for a long moment. Jared can feel his panic growing, worry coiling in the pit of his stomach. Something is wrong and she is being reluctant to tell him anything. _Oh God, is Jen okay?_ Is his first thought. The doctors kept telling them not to hold any hope of Jensen ever awakening and at one point they were told they might have to make the decision to let Jensen die with dignity. Everyone was firmly against that idea, weren’t ready to give up on Jensen just yet, but… what if his parents were considering it now?

“Donna, tell me what’s going on!” He bursts when he can no longer take her silence, panic filling his voice. “Is Jensen okay? No one’s… no one’s considering…” He can’t bring himself to say the words but he believes Donna understands what he means. “Just talk to me, please.”

“Jared, honey, Jensen woke up today,” Donna tells him a soothing tone of voice, like she is speaking to a fragile and frightened child.

The words hit Jared hard, a mixture of relief and disbelief coursing through his body. He has to prop himself up against the wall when his knees threaten to give out on him. Jensen woke up. That just seems so surreal, especially with how often the doctors told them it was highly unlikely. After a while you start to lose hope… which is something Jared did, regretfully. All he has wanted all along was to be told that Jensen woke up, and now that he is hearing these words he doesn’t know to react, how to feel much less respond.

“How… how is he?” He asks when he can finally find his voice, it sounds thin and shredded and completely foreign, like it isn’t his own.

“He’s doing well, all things considered. They say he’s going to need a lot of therapy to regain his strength in his muscles and he’s a little confused right now. We haven’t told him everything yet, we figured it’d be best to let him get used to being awake before we broke the news to him. We haven’t told him anything about Supernatural either, but I’m sure he can figure that out on his own.” Jared can hear the tears in her voice and feels on the verge himself. It is a lot to take in, being as it’s so unexpected. “When he woke up he thought he was still in Canada… he had no idea he’d been in a coma for four years. He’d thought the accident had just happened…”

She trails off and Jared can feel the nausea creeping up on him at her words. Jensen has no idea, he thinks…. “Oh God,” Jared breathes into the phone, guilt and pain warring until he can’t tell the two emotions apart.

“He asked for you,” she says softly, like she isn’t sure how he will react or if he will even be glad to hear it. He is, of course.

“I’ll be on the next flight out to Texas,” he says immediately.

“But, Jared, you’re movie…” she begins but he doesn’t let her get very far.

“The director will just have to deal with it, give me some time off, ‘cause one way or another I’ll be on the plane. Jen, he… I just have to see him,” Jared responds firmly.

“Alright, that’s real good; he’ll be thrilled to see you.” She sounds so relieved as she says this but weary at the same time. “He still doesn’t know…”

“Yeah, I gathered that…” Jared sighs heavily, not looking forward to that conversation but knowing it can’t be avoided forever.

“I can tell him if you want me to,” she offers but he can hear the hesitancy hidden within.

“No, you shouldn’t have to do that. This is my responsibility, I’ll… I’ll find a way to gently break the news to him.” Jared’s face scrunches up at the thought of the pain he is going to cause the man. It is the very _last thing_ he wants to do.

“Alright, thank you, Jared. Just… go easy on him. He’s only just woken up and I’m not sure how well he’ll take the news just yet.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jared whispers. “I’ll see you soon.”

He flips his phone shut when Donna says her goodbyes, his hand immediately covering his eyes and rubbing his forehead. His appetite gone, he drops down heavily onto his bed and grabs his wallet, pulling out a picture he hasn’t allowed himself to look at in a long time because it was too painful.

Jensen’s hair is sticking up all over the place, having just woken up, and his glasses are perched on his nose. The smile on his face is one of amusement and irritation, good ol’ Jen in the morning, grumpy as ever yet somehow completely adorable at the same time.

“Oh God, what am I gonna do?” Jared asks the empty room, a sob breaking free and filling the silence.

۞ ۞ ۞

Two Days Later...

“How are you feeling?”

Jensen opens his eyes and finds a male nurse entering his room, a bright smile lighting his face. Surprisingly enough the smile seems to be genuine; not practiced or fake. The guy seems to be genuinely happy and completely real. That is surprising to Jensen because all the nurses he has met so far (besides the one he met when he first woke up) have greeted him with bored expressions and false smiles. This is just a job to them, they don’t actually care about any of the patients, but… there seems to be something different about this guy. He seems to actually care and the smile on his face tells Jensen he actually takes the time to get to know his patients rather than treat them like a job or a nuisance.

“My name’s Brad, I’ll be your nurse till tonight.” The nurse, Brad, says with a wide grin that puts Jensen at ease in his company.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Jensen replies softly, unsure of what to say because he is sure the man already knows his name.

“So, how ‘bout answering my question now,” Brad says playfully, a spark in his eyes that Jensen can’t help but respond to.

“I’m fine despite feeling weak, and I’m uncomfortable,” Jensen answers reluctantly, he hates complaining in any way. “I’ve been lying here for hours and I’m starting to ache.”

“Well, this might be some good news for you then. You seem to be doing quite well so I’ve been told that you can get up and sit by the window for a little while today. Would you like that?”

Jensen perks up immediately at these words, making Brad laugh softly. “Seriously? I can sit for a while? You don’t realize how good that sounds.”

“Then let’s get you up, huh,” Brad says as he pulls Jensen’s blanket down and hooks his arm beneath Jensen’s legs and around his back. Jensen can do nothing to help, limbs like a rag doll, and he has never felt shame like he does right now. He isn’t stupid though, he knows he needs Brad’s help.

Brad lifts him into his arms easily, grunting only a little at the strain, and Jensen weakly wraps an arm around the man’s neck. Brad carries him over to the chair and sits him down carefully, situating him into a comfortable position. Jensen’s eyes are immediately drawn to the window, taking in the sunshine and grass below that he aches for. Brad smiles softly as he opens one of the cabinets in the room and pulls out a spare sheet.

“Would you like to cover your legs with this? This place can get pretty cold and you might catch a chill with your legs being bare like that.”

Jensen simply nods his head slightly and offers a quiet thank you when Brad covers his legs with the sheet.

“You’re just soaking up the fact that you have people waiting around on hand and foot for you, you’re gonna get too used to this treatment if you keep it up.” Steve laughs as he enters the room, holding a bottle of Lipton’s Iced Tea and a bottle of juice for Jensen.

His friend showed up early this morning and Jensen couldn’t have been happier to see him. It has been a long time since he last saw Steve, and that’s not counting the time he was in a coma. The best part about Steve is he hasn’t been coddling Jensen or treating him like he will break at any given moment. He has been treating him just like he always has, acts completely normal around him, and that is what Jensen needs the most right now. All he had to say about the fact that Jensen’s been in a coma was, “Man, there are better ways of telling people you need a break, you don’t have to be so dramatic about it in the future, okay?” Jensen could have kissed him for that.

Jensen scowls without any heat, laughter in his eyes. “You’re just jealous, asshole.”

Steve stops for a moment, tilts his head like he is considering this, and then shrugs his shoulders. “True,” he chuckles as he opens the bottle of juice, puts a straw in it and then hands it to Jensen.

“If you need anything just push this button and I’ll come right in.” Brad says as he hands a remote looking type device to Jensen and then leaves the room with another bright smile.

“Looks to me like you may already have the nurse infatuated with you,” Steve comments as he sits down across from Jensen at the table. “You work quick, dude.”

“Shut up, he was just being nice.” Jensen rolls his eyes, taking the straw between his lips and swallowing some of his juice.

“Did we see the same smile? That dude was so flirting with you, Jen. Can you honestly tell me you’re that blind?”

“Whatever you say, man. I still don’t think he was flirting with me, but even if he was it wouldn’t matter anyway ‘cause I have Jared, remember?”

Steve’s smile is tight this time around and he just nods his head without responding verbally. Jensen lets out a long sigh. “Alright, what’s going on, man? Every time I mention Jared’s name people clam up on me. What is it that I don’t know?”

Before Steve can attempt to respond Jensen’s hand decides to rebel on him and he loses his grip on his drink, the bottle falling and spilling its contents all over the floor. Jensen closes his eyes briefly, breathing evenly in and out through his nose, trying not to break down. This whole muscle weakness is starting to get to him and he feels like crying every time he can’t do something he used to or when he loses his grip on things. He isn’t used to this and he highly doubts he will ever get used to it.

“Damnit,” he breathes, voice tight and self-deprecating.

“It’s alright, man, not your fault. Things will get better, you’ll see,” Steve says as he grabs some tissue from the bathroom and starts to clean up the mess.

“I know, everyone keeps saying that, but… I just really hate this. I feel like I can’t do anything anymore. I feel incompetent and I hate that I have to rely on everyone so much, I feel so damn helpless right now.”

“You’re bound to feel like that for a while, Jen, you just woke up from a coma, you gotta give your muscles time to regain their full strength. I know it sucks now, but…” Steve trails off, gaze trained on the door to the room.

Jensen follows his train of sight and feels his heart jump in his chest when his eyes land on Jared, who is hovering in the doorway, looking unsure and uncomfortable.

“Hey, Jen,” he says softly, shuffling from one foot to the other, looking at Jensen like he can’t quite believe he is awake.

“Jay,” Jensen breathes in response as a blinding grin forms on his face.


	6. Chapter 6

Jared continues to hover in the doorway, shifting from one foot to the other in a nervous habit, until Jensen gets fed up with his boyfriend’s strange behavior and motions him into the room with his hand and a reassuring smile on his face. For the life of him Jensen can’t understand where Jared’s discomfort is coming from. Sure, he is probably surprised and relieved to see Jensen awake, that’s very understandable. But should he be acting as though he’s afraid to even step foot in the room?

Jensen releases a relieved sigh when Jared finally enters the room fully, taking a glance around before easing himself down on the edge of the bed across from the chair Jensen‘s seated. With his hands lying in his lap, Jared glances around the room once more, his eyes landing on everything but Jensen or Steve. Jensen watches him for a moment, concern and confusion swimming through him, and then he clears his throat to capture the fidgety man’s attention.

Jared finally drags his eyes over to Jensen and puts on his best smile, though it isn’t as bright as Jensen remembers it to be. Something is off about Jared, something that Jensen can’t decipher and it’s worrying him. He isn’t sure what he was expecting to happen when he saw Jared again, isn’t sure what reaction he was expecting, but this certainly isn’t it. Jared can barely hold his stare for very long without looking away and then back again. There is something hiding in those beautiful hazel depths but hell if Jensen knows what it is.

“It’s good to see you awake, we were… you had all of us really worried about you,” Jared speaks after a long and tense moment. Jensen isn’t sure what he’s more surprised by, the fact that Jared sounds like he’s talking to an acquaintance rather than his boyfriend or the fact that his expression is carefully neutral. This isn’t something he is used to with Jared, a long distanced relative maybe, but never Jared. He isn’t quite sure how to deal with it.

“Yeah, I guess that was some accident I was in,” Jensen replies after a moment, awkward and uncertain, unsure how to talk to Jared now.

Jared’s eyes fill with tears, the first sign of true emotion he’s shown since he arrived, and he licks at his lips. “You have no idea. It was… it was just awful, Jen. You were hooked up to so many different machines, bruises and blood, a bandage…” Jared stops himself before he can go any further, taking a deep breath and visibly willing the mental images away. “The worst part was we could talk to you, hold you hand, and… you’d just lie there, showing no signs of even knowing we were there. It was so hard seeing you like that, and I was _so_ fuckin’ scared you’d never wake up again.”

“Hey, hey it’s alright, Jay. See,” Jensen pats his chest as he speaks. “I’m fine, and I’m awake now. I can’t imagine how difficult the past four years must’ve been for you, but I’m awake now, and the doctors say I’m doing well. I’m not going anywhere.”

Jared slowly nods his head, wiping his eyes with a soft laugh. “I’m so glad you’re okay, Jen, and it’s great to hear you’re recovering so well. You’re looking good.”

“If by good you mean pale as a ghost with dark circles under my eyes and too thin than I’ll take that as a compliment.” Jensen laughs, which in turn makes Jared laugh, and all earlier awkwardness seems to evaporate into thin air.

“You know what I mean,” Jared says with that dimpled grin and Jensen feels like everything will be okay, now that Jared has returned to his normal self again. “I’m just really glad to see you awake, and you seem to be doing better than I had been expecting. I have to admit, I was a little afraid of the condition you might be in… glad to see my fears weren’t justified though.”

Jensen smiles softly to himself. “Yeah, besides the weakness and no muscle strength, I’d say I’m feeling pretty good. I still get a little disoriented at times, and I keep forgetting it’s not 2008 anymore, but I’m sure I’ll adjust eventually.”

“So, did you just get in?” Steve asks, bringing himself into the conversation. Jensen is surprised by the expression on his friend’s face though. From what Jensen can make out, it seems to be suspicion mixed with disapproval, and that is just odd. _What am I missing?_ he questions silently as he watches the two guys closely, Steve looking about ready to attack Jared and Jared shifting nervously on the bed. And is that guilt on his face? What the hell is going on?

“I caught the soonest flight out that I could once I heard. I ended up on the red-eye last night and arrived around three in the morning. I’m staying at a hotel not too far from here; I’d say a few blocks away or so. I wanted to be as close as I could,” Jared trails off, looking embarrassed and like he’s on trial all at once. The vibe in the room is very strange and Jensen’s having a hard time wrapping his head around it.

“Okay, you two are acting weird, what am I missing? Did you guys have some kind of argument recently or something?” Jensen finally gives voice to his confusion and concern, looking back and forth between the two men with an imploring expression on his face.

“We’ve had some disagreements, that’s for sure,” Steve responds in a hard tone of voice, eyes glued to Jared’s cowering form before turning to face Jensen with a soft, reassuring smile. “Don’t worry about it though, I’m sure we’ll be able to work out our differences.”

“I hope so, ‘cause you know how much I hate it when the people I’m closest to fight,” Jensen says, temporarily pleased yet still feeling as though things are far from being fixed. He isn’t stupid, something is definitely off, and Jensen gets the feeling it’s bad, whatever it is.

“Yeah, we know, Jen. The last thing you need to be doing is worrying about us though, you just concentrate on getting better,” Steve tells him in a ‘no nonsense’ tone of voice and Jared nods his head as if to second this.

“So, what all have I missed since I’ve been out of the world?” Jensen changes the subject and tries to keep his voice light and casual, unsure how they will react to his word choice. “I guess it’s safe to assume Supernatural is a thing of the past. How did things with the show work out?”

“Eric shut down the set after hearing about your accident and the condition you were in,” Jared answers softly.

“But the show was left with Dean in Hell, Eric had the perfect opportunity to hire another actor. Sam could’ve brought his brother back, have Dean possess someone else’s body for obvious reasons. It would have worked out and the show would’ve never had to have been cancelled,” Jensen tries to say reasonably, though he must say he hates the idea of anyone else playing Dean.

“Everyone knew there would be no show without you and hiring another actor as Dean was just out of the question. There’s no way I’d work with anyone else besides you anyway. Not to mention the fans would have boycotted the idea,” Jared says stiffly, though there’s a smile pulling at his lips as he speaks of the fans reaction to such a thing.

“Yeah, you’re probably right about that,” Jensen laughs softly, smiling fondly at the thought of the show’s loyal fans. “But, still, can’t help feeling disappointed about losing such a great show. Supernatural was unique, unlike any other show on television at that time, and it sucks to know the Winchester’s story was never fully told.”

“That always bothered me too, but I stand firm by what I said. I never would’ve worked with any actor other than you. It just wouldn’t have happened,” Jared says resolutely and Jensen can’t help but smile when he hears it.

“How’s your family doing?” Jensen asks after a moment of silence passes between them.

“They’re all doing well. They send you their love and say they hope you get to feeling up to par soon. They’ve all got a lot going on at the moment but they want you to visit as soon as you’re feeling up to it.”

“Yeah, I definitely will. Until then though, tell them hi for me, okay?”

“Will do,” Jared responds and then immediately falls silent once more, that awkwardness from earlier creeping back up on them.

Jensen wants to scream in frustration and confusion, demand to know why things are so strange between them all of a sudden. He has never felt so awkward around Jared before, not even when he first met the giant puppy, so why on earth are things so off between them now? It just isn’t making any sense. He wants to blame it on the fact that he’s been in a coma for the better part of four years but something inside tells him it’s something deeper than that, only he can’t begin to understand what it could be.

 _Did something happen while I was comatose?_ Jensen asks in his mind rather than aloud, like he really wants. Part of him is a little hesitant to find out though, lest his fears be confirmed. He doesn’t know what could have possibly happened, but he can speculate. Not to mention, the tension between them and Jared’s odd behavior tells Jensen that it can’t be anything good.

 _Or maybe it’s because we left our last argument unresolved, maybe it‘s weighing heavily on his mind_ , Jensen tells himself, eyes widening when the thought occurs to him. This thought brings back all those things he has wanted to say to Jared, all the things he has been dying to apologize for. He knows it’s been four years, and bringing it up will be awkward at best, but for him it feels just like it happened a few days ago and he knows he won’t be able to get it off his mind until he talks to Jared about it.

It isn’t exactly a conversation he wants to have with a spectator in the room however. Steve is a great friend, but Jensen hadn’t told him about their argument, and he really doesn’t want Steve being his protective self and getting angry at Jared for ‘hurting his friend’. Steve is great to have around for moral support, and his protective nature is appreciated at the best of times, but Jensen is feeling bad enough for what went down that night… he doesn’t need Steve blaming Jared when Jensen feels he was partly to blame for the argument happening in the first place.

“Hey, Steve, can I have a moment alone with Jared, please?” Jensen asks politely, giving his friend a reassuring smile when Steve gives him a look of pure disbelief. “I need to talk to him about something, in private.”

Steve looks as though he wants to argue, but after a moment he releases a resigned sigh and nods his head. “Alright, I’ll give you two some space. I can head down to the cafeteria for a while, give Chris and Jason a call, and update them on how you’re doing. Do you want me to grab you another juice while I’m there?”

“Yeah, if you don’t mind, that’d be great.”

“Okay, I’ll be back in a little while.” Steve stands up and gives Jared a warning glance before reluctantly heading out of the room. Jensen watches him leave with a bemused expression on his face before turning to Jared who looks like he wants the floor to open up and swallow him whole.

“So…” Jared drawls the word out, slapping his hands and rubbing them together roughly a few times, giving away how nervous he is. “What’d you want to talk about?”

“The argument we had that night,” Jensen says matter-of-fact and straight to the point, seeing no reason in beating around the bush.

Jared pales slightly when these words register in his brain and he’s immediately shaking his head. “No, that was four years ago, Jen, it really doesn’t matter anymore.”

“I realize it was four years ago, Jay, but to me it only feels like it happened a few days ago and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.” Jensen sighs and lowers his head to stare at his clasped hands, lying in his lap. “Maybe you don’t give it much thought these days, but I can’t forget what was said, what _I_ said.”

“You have to let that go, man. I know it feels like it just happened, but… well, it’s unimportant now. We both said things we can’t take back, things we didn’t mean, but we both know that and it’s time to move on from it. I let it go a long time ago. It will just haunt you if you let it,” Jared says reasonably, speaking from experience, but his troubled eyes are what worry Jensen.

“I get that, I really do, but I just wanted you to know…” Jensen sighs and locks his eyes with Jared, trying to convey his sincerity. “This whole incident has put things into perspective for me, made me realize what’s important in life and how unreasonable I was being. I know that Chad is your friend, and I’m sorry if it seemed like I was trying to make you choose between us. That wasn’t what I was wanting, not ever. I’d have been upset too if I thought you wanted me to stop hanging out with one of my friends.”

“Jen, please, don’t do this. It’s in the past, let it stay there,” Jared pleads, guilt shining in his eyes that Jensen can’t find the meaning for.

“I _need_ to say this Jay, just let me… I’m sorry, okay?” Jensen lets out a huff of breath, raising a weak arm to run his fingers through his hair. “I love you, Jared, and if you want me to get along with Chad than I’ll do my very best to get to know the guy, I’ll make the effort to be his friend. I know I could’ve died in the accident, and that knowledge makes my jealousy seem stupid and petty now. I’m sorry if I was hurting you, okay. I’m still wary of him, I can’t deny that, but I’ll give him a chance, for you, if that’s what you really want.”

Jared’s face crumbles a bit and he looks to be on the edge of a breakdown, tears shining in his eyes that Jensen wishes he had the power to remove, because those aren’t tears of happiness, they’re tears of sadness. And once again Jensen feels lost and out of the loop and he’s getting really tired of feeling this way. He thought he would be overjoyed to see Jared again, like one look at his boyfriend’s face would make everything okay in the world, but instead all it has brought is confusion and an odd awkwardness he isn’t accustomed to.

“You shouldn’t be saying this to me, Jen, especially since…” Jared trails off, voice drifting off, tearful, broken and guilt ridden. “I have something to tell you man. I didn’t want to say this so soon, wasn’t even sure how to bring it up, but I don’t think I should hold it back anymore. I obviously need to tell you the truth and… well, I guess it’d be best to get it over and done with rather than pretend everything’s fine and nothing’s changed.”

Jensen can feel something unyielding tightening in his chest, making it difficult for him to breathe properly, as a sense of foreboding settles over him. He isn’t going to like what he is about to hear, he can tell that much, and part of him wants to change the subject before Jared can say anything they can’t possibly come back from. Whatever Jared is about to say is going to tear them apart, Jensen just knows it, and he really wants no part of it. He knows being blissfully ignorant will get them nowhere, but he just isn’t sure he’s ready to have his world pulled out from beneath his feet, _again_. There’s really only so much he can take before he cracks and breaks.

 _Oh God, how could I have been so naïve? It’s been four years, with no hope, and Jared’s moved on._ The truth hits him like a ton of bricks and he has to catch himself before a gasp escapes his lips. Of course Jared would move on, and Jensen shouldn’t have expected him not to, that’s just unreasonable and selfish of him. But, still, the pain this brings him is cold and unrelenting. Jared isn’t his anymore, quite possibly hasn’t been for some time now. _That explains why he’s been acting so strange since he arrived, the guilt and shifty eyes… God, I’ve been so stupid_ , he berates himself silently as the pain builds inside more and more.

“You’re in a relationship… you’ve moved on with your life,” Jensen whispers into the silent room, raising his eyes to meet Jared’s.

Jared’s face scrunches up even more with suppressed emotion and all he can provide as an answer is a stiff nod of his head, eyes glistening with tears that are a moment away from sliding down his cheeks. The sight penetrates him but the pain is only an ache because mostly he just feels numb and, surprisingly, shocked. He doesn’t know why he wasn’t expecting this, he should’ve been, but he wasn’t and now everything seems so bleak and he feels lost and alone.

“How long have you been in a relationship?” He forces himself to ask, voice hoarse and thick.

“Jen, do you really…”

“How long?” Jensen repeats; voice firmer than before with a hint of pleading.

Jared’s face falls even further and he takes a deep breath. “Two years.”

Jensen nods his head, blinking furiously, fighting so hard to keep his emotions in check. The last thing he wants to do right now is break down in front of Jared, he won’t. “Who is it?”

Jared stays stubbornly silent, and Jensen catches the hesitant expression on his face before Jared turns his head away. “Is it anyone I know?” Jensen asks quietly, biting down on his bottom lip in an attempt to keep his tears at bay.

Jared’s voice is nothing short of a whisper, barely audible even in the near silent room, but Jensen still catches the single name, “Chad”. With that name Jensen can no longer reign in his emotions and his tears slide down his face as he closes his eyes tightly, pain exploding in his chest. His breath hitches in his throat, sounding magnified in the quiet room, and he can hear Jared apologizing, voice desperate and pained, but Jensen is too lost in his own pain to truly believe the shaggy-haired man.

“Why…” Jensen trails off almost immediately after the word leaves his mouth. He takes in a deep, stuttering breath before opening his eyes once more and facing the man sitting across from him with tears streaming down his own face. Jensen voice is soft but broken as he asks, “Why’d it have to be him?”

“I don’t know how it happened, Jen. He was just there for me when I needed him, being the supportive friend. I got to know him on a level I never did before and one thing led to another and before I knew it he was asking me out and I was saying yes and…”

Jensen raises his hand, effectively stopping Jared in the middle of his rant, and gives the younger man a watery smile that is devoid of any real happiness. “Just stop right there, okay? I don’t want to know.”

“I never meant for this to happen, Jen… I’m so sorry.” Jared’s pleading now, begging for him to understand, but Jensen doesn’t and he can’t pretend like he does.

“Is there anything else I should know?” Jensen asks, completely ignoring Jared’s apology, not truly believing a word of it anyway. “You guys aren’t married or anything, are ya?”

Jensen mainly says this to lighten the moment, to try to play it off and act like this isn’t slowly killing him. When Jared abruptly looks away, however, Jensen is left to gape at him in disbelief.

“You’re married?” He asks, unable to hide his disbelief or his hurt.

“Engaged, actually,” Jared speaks quietly. “He asked me to marry him three months ago and at first I said no, but when he asked me again a month ago I gave in and said yes.”

Jensen has no words to say to that so he remains silent, lowering his eyes away from Jared and staring intently at the ground beneath his window.

Jared has gotten up from the bed now and is kneeling at Jensen’s side. Jensen wants to scream in frustration when he can’t turn away. “I know you probably don’t believe me but I really am sorry, Jen. I never meant for this to hurt you,” Jared says almost desperately, bolding reaching out and wrapping a hand around Jensen’s wrist.

Jensen pulls away like he’s been burned and clenches his eyes tightly. “I want you to leave, Jared.”

“What? No, Jen, please…” Jared immediately objects.

“Damnit, Jared, I just… I need to be alone right now, I need time to… I need time to come to terms with this… I just need you to leave right now, please, just go,” Jensen forces out through gritted teeth, feeling his resolve slipping, knowing he’s going to burst into sobs at any minute, with or without Jared in the room to bear witness.

“You heard him, Jared. I think it’d be in your best interest to leave right now.” Steve’s firm voice fills the room, leaving no room for argument, and Jensen has never been happier to hear it.

The sigh that leaves Jared’s lips is full of resignation as he rises to his feet, hesitates for a moment, and then moves towards the door. He stops briefly when he’s standing beside Steve and turns to Jensen once. “I never meant to hurt you, Jen. I hope you can forgive me one day.”

Jared finally leaves when Jensen doesn’t respond and a second later Steve is wrapping his arms around him. He can’t bring himself to feel embarrassed or ashamed when he buries his face in his friend’s shoulder. The sobs he’s been barely holding back break loose and wrack his body, his body trembling at the force of them. All that can be heard in the room is Jensen’s cries and Steve’s soft, comforting words. Jensen just clings to Steve’s shirt with a weak grip and lets out his pain, feeling as though his world has fallen apart when he was helpless to stop it.


	7. Chapter 7

Jared feels completely and utterly drained as he leaves the hospital and makes the long four block walk back to his hotel. He walks with his shoulders slumped and his gaze fixed to the ground, looking as though he is trying to hide from the world. It must look pretty funny for a man of his size but he just can’t bring himself to care or see the amusement in it. The day seems duller, a little grayer, and not as bright as it was before.

The conversation he just had with Jensen keeps replaying in his mind and he just can’t seem to escape it. Jared had been dreading that particular conversation ever since he stepped foot in Texas, long before that if he’s honest with himself, because he knew how bad it could go and he knew it would hurt Jensen. That is the absolute last thing he would ever want to do, but there was no way around it. He knew the best thing to do would be to tell Jensen the truth right away because it would only hurt Jensen more if he were to continue to let him think they were still together.

He feels terrible about having to tell Jensen about the part Chad plays in all of this, because he knew that little detail would hurt the most, and he kind of regrets ever saying anything. He wasn’t going to, originally, but he had no choice once Jensen persisted that he tell him. It made it worse when he told Jensen about his engagement. He could kick himself for doing that, and he doesn’t know why he did. He has always been open and honest with Jensen, has always hated the thought of lying to him or bending the truth, but maybe just this once he should have.

Jared wraps his arms around himself and lowers his head an inch further, chin nearly resting on his chest. _I hurt him so much… how can I possibly make it right?_ The sad truth of the matter is he can’t be sure things can be fixed between them. He doesn’t see how they can move past this, maybe be friends, when Jensen is feeling so hurt. It wouldn’t surprise him if Jensen feels betrayed in a way. He doesn’t want to lose Jensen though, he needs him like he needs air to live, and he knows the potential of losing Jensen is very real.

Even when Jensen was in a coma Jared never really felt like he lost him, mainly because Jensen was right there and he could reach out to hold his hand when he needed that reassurance. He visited the hospital as often as he could, would sit with Jensen for hours, even when his ass would start to ache he’d refuse to leave. Now though, he could lose Jensen for good and the mere thought of it nearly sends Jared into a blind panic.

 _What if Jen doesn’t want to be friends after all this?_ He knows Jensen will likely want his space after everything that was said, and Jared will keep his distance for a while if that’s what he wants, but he doesn’t want this to push them apart. Jared doesn’t know if the damage is even repairable though. Jared can pretty much count on Jensen never coming to visit if Chad is there, and he probably won’t want to spend as much time with him after everything that has happened.

Really, what it comes down to is that Jared might eventually be forced to choose between Jensen and Chad. The idea of having to choose makes him nauseous. How could he possibly choose between the two people he is closest to? His lover and his best friend. It is sort of odd how Chad and Jensen switched roles in his life though. Chad went from his best friend to his lover while Jensen went from lover to best friend. Jared can honestly say he never thought that would happen.

 _Do you seriously just want Jensen to be your best friend or do you want more?_ A voice pipes up, making Jared pause and ask himself the same damn question. There is no question about it, he may be with Chad, and he may be engaged to the guy, but he is still very much in love with Jensen. Hell, he never stopped loving Jensen. The only reason he is in a relationship now is because he developed feelings for his friend and because Chad kept telling him that he needed to move on with his life. He still loves Jensen though, that much has always been obvious, but Jared is no longer available to be with him.

He would love to be with Jensen again, there is no denying that, but he is in a relationship now and it just isn’t an option anymore. Not to mention he really does care about Chad and he doesn’t want to hurt him. Jared is instantly brought back to moments ago, standing outside of Jensen’s hospital room, hearing his heartbroken sobs. It killed him to hear those heart wrenching sounds coming from _Jensen_ , and it hurt even more knowing _he_ was to blame. He never meant for any of this to hurt Jensen, he had honestly thought Jensen would never wake up, so he figured being in a relationship again after two years wouldn’t hurt Jensen at all. He learned the hard way how wrong he really was.

Jared is now in a tough situation, one he doesn’t know a way out of. Someone stands to get hurt in the midst of all this, there is no way around it, and Jared hates it so much, hates that he is smack dab in the middle of it. Hell, if he’s honest with himself, he’s the _cause_ of it. No matter how he looks at it, he is either going to end up hurting Jensen or Chad because he is going to have to make a choice, there is no way around it.

He wishes he had the strength to walk away from both of them, put the option of a relationship out of the equation. But he can’t because he is selfish, he can admit that. He cares deeply for them both, and he wants to be with one of them… he just needs to figure out who he loves the most.

 _The answer’s pretty obvious_ , that voice pipes up again and Jared snarls at it to shut up.

۞ ۞ ۞

Jared pauses in his stride the moment he nears his room and sees a figure sitting on the ground, leaning heavily against the door. That familiar blonde head raises the moment Jared’s sneakers come within his vision line and Chad is instantly on his feet, wrapping Jared up in a too tight hug.

Jared stands stiff within Chad’s arms, the embrace feeling strange and wrong now that Jensen is awake. Jared has never gotten this feeling before when he hugged Chad, but the embrace now leaves him with a sense of betrayal, like he is doing something wrong. This of course is ridiculous; he shouldn’t be feeling guilty for hugging his boyfriend. _Fiancé_ , Jared corrects in his mind, the single word settling heavy in his throat like an unyielding lump.

No matter how ridiculous it is, he does feel guilty, and he finds himself relieved when Chad finally draws away. Jared tries his best to smile but it feels strained and false on his face and he is pretty sure Chad knows it isn’t genuine. He knows his reaction is out of character and he knows it will more than likely make Chad suspicious. The last thing he wants to do is explain the thoughts and feelings coursing through him though, so he steps around the blonde and unlocks his door.

Chad follows him into the room, shutting the door behind him, and Jared sits down heavily on the bed. He closes his eyes, a sigh leaving his lips, and a moment later he feels the bed dip when Chad sits down. He can feel the blonde’s eyes on him, searching him for an explanation, but he can’t bring himself to open his eyes and meet that stare head on. He really just feels all mixed up inside, doesn’t know what the hell he is doing anymore much less what he is feeling, and he really doesn’t want to examine any of it.

He doesn’t want to talk to Chad about any of this either because he knows it would just hurt his lover and quite possibly make him worry needlessly. Jared knows he still loves Jensen, that is one thing he is clear on, but he isn’t necessarily thinking about ending things with Chad. Explaining all of this to his lover would make him think Jared is considering leaving him, which Jared isn’t, at least he doesn’t think so, and the last thing he wants to do is worry his fiancé.

Fiancé… that still sounds so foreign to Jared. He has never thought he’d call Chad his fiancé, and in the past if he were to give anyone that title he thought it’d be Jensen. Things didn’t work out that way though, life had other plans for them. Even after all this time he can’t help feeling bitter disappointment when he thinks about the way things worked for him and Jensen. Neither of them deserved this, they should be living their lives happily together right now. Thoughts such as this make him feel guilty because it makes it sound like he isn’t happy with Chad. He is happy with Chad of course, but he can’t help being disappointed because of how unfair life was to him and Jensen.

“I came as soon as I could,” Chad’s voice breaks the quiet of the room.

“I appreciate that, I really do. You didn’t have to though,” the words sound stretched and paper thin as they leave Jared’s mouth, hollow and bone weary.

“I wanted to be here for you, Jare, nothing woulda stopped me from flying in… you know that,” Chad consoles with a slightly reprimanding undertone and there is no mistaking the tension surrounding the blonde. “You just come from the hospital?”

“Yeah,” Jared says simply, not even attempting to explain further.

“Well? How’d it go?” Chad presses inquisitively, mixed emotions warring on his face. “How is he?”

“He’s… he’s awake,” Jared replies dumbly, an edge of fascination in his voice. “He seems a little pale still, and tired. He’s still very weak and is going through physical therapy to regain his strength and stuff… but the main thing is that he’s awake. I’m just… I’m just so fuckin’ glad he’s awake man… I’m still having a hard time believing it.”

“I’m glad you got to see him, now you won’t be worrying so much,” Chad says with a smile in his voice.

“He looked so small sitting in that chair, Chad. He… he still looks so sick, it’s hard to see him like that,” Jared whispers, lowering his head to hide his building tears.

“But it sounds like he’s on the mend, he’s getting better, dude. I know it’s tough seeing him like that, but you gotta remind yourself that he’s getting better and you gotta hold onto that,” Chad tells him in a consoling tone, doing his best to reassure Jared.

“Yeah, you’re right. At least he‘s awake now, he can start to recover,” he replies softly, raising his head and giving Chad a small grateful smile. “Thanks, Chad, I needed a little reassurance right now.”

“So…” Chad draws out the word as he tries to search his brain for something to say. “What did you guys talk about?”

Jared lets out a sigh as he rubs a hand down his face wearily. “I told him about Supernatural and how Eric shut down the set after his accident. We talked a little about my family, how they are doing and such. We talked about the little things; I mainly just told him how things are going now.”

Chad nods his head slowly, eyeing Jared critically. “If that was all you talked about you wouldn’t look like you were just drug through the mud, man. What happened, what’d you talk about to make you so down?”

Jared is silent for a moment as he thinks back on the conversation that left Jensen sobbing in Steve’s arms. He wishes he could block out the sound of Jensen crying but it has all come back in vivid clarity and he can’t escape it. He closes his eyes against the pain that surfaces and forces himself to take a deep, steadying breath. He knows he should have waited to have that conversation, wishes he had, but there is nothing he can do about it now, no way to go back and change what he did.

“He still thought we were together,” Jared finally answers, still with his eyes closed, “and I told him the truth. It probably wasn’t the best time, I should have waited, but he knows we’re a couple now.”

Jared can hear Chad’s sharp intake of air but he doesn’t look up to see the expression on his fiancé’s face. “I guess it’s safe to assume he took the news pretty badly.”

“I made him cry,” Jared answers on a whisper, voice thick with guilt and shame. “I’ve only seen him cry a few times, a couple of those it was because of me, but I have _never_ seen him break down and cry like he did today. I never meant to hurt him, Chad… I don’t know how to fix this.”

“Everything’s gonna be alright, Jay,” Chad says as he leans forward and presses their lips together briefly, “you’ll see.”

۞ ۞ ۞

Jared lies silently in the dark with only the glow of the moon for light. The picture from his wallet is held carefully in his right hand, his thumb gently caressing Jensen’s face with affection he still feels to this day. He thinks back to the morning the photo was taken and it draws a watery smile to his crestfallen features. He can’t help but wish he could go back to that point in time, when they were happy and nothing else mattered in the world but them.

His eyes take in the smile on Jensen’s face but his mind keeps trudging up the image of Jensen slowly breaking down inside. His relieved joy ever so slowly being replaced by devastation and heartbreak. The way his face broke down little by little and the weight of reality came crashing down on him. Jensen just looked so wounded and the sight tore at Jared’s heart.

Jared knows he has no one to blame but himself and he hates it.

Chad suddenly stirs beside him and Jared holds his breath until he settles down once more. He turns his head cautiously and breathes a sigh of relief when he finds the blonde still sleeping peacefully. He knows it would be bad were Chad to find him holding a picture of Jensen in the middle of the night. He’d have questions Jared’s not ready to answer… won’t ever be.

He slowly sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. He rests his elbows on his knees and his eyes are drawn back to the photo in his hand. He feels so lost and stretched thin, torn between two people and he doesn’t know which direction he should take. He loves them both and he doesn’t know what to do about it. How can he possibly choose?

Chad has always been there for him and he really is a caring person, he just never lets anybody see that side of him. He trusts Jared enough to see his vulnerable side though, and he really does love Jared. He has loved him for years, but he never acted on those feelings because he knew how much Jensen meant to Jared. He never liked Jensen, and he wasn’t afraid to say so, but he never tried to come between them. It wasn’t until after Jensen’s accident that Jared saw how much Chad truly cared about him and it made him reevaluate his own feelings towards his best friend. He loves Chad, probably has for some time now…

But then there’s Jensen. The first man Jared ever fell in love with, the one person Jared gave his whole heart and soul to. He fell for Jensen the very moment he met him and his feelings only grew stronger over the years. He left Sandy for Jensen and for the first time Jared could honestly say he knew what true love felt like. Jensen was the one person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He’d go so far as to say he thought they were soul mates, and he still isn’t sure they’re not. His whole world revolved around Jensen, just a smile or a laugh could make Jared’s day seem a little brighter.

 _What am I going to do?_ Jared brokenly questions in silence as tears break loose and slide down the length of his face, glistening in the light of the moon. He does his best to cry quietly, not wanting to wake up Chad. He knows that crying right now is dangerous because he could be caught at any given moment but he just can’t hold in his pain any longer. He feels so lost and defeated inside, he needs to let some of it out otherwise it will consume him.

Unbeknownst to Jared, Chad’s eyes slide open and he watches as Jared’s shoulders hitch with every badly suppressed sob. His face crumples up in sorrow as he watches Jared’s quiet misery, a tear slowly trekking down his face and wetting the pillow beneath his head.

۞ ۞ ۞

Donna places a cup of coffee down on the table in front of Jared before taking a seat across from him. He smiles gratefully at her, lifting the cup and taking a tentative sip. Both are silent for a length of time, not knowing what to say or just reeling from everything that has happened. Jared has been pretty lost in his mind ever since Donna called him that night and that conversation with Jensen is at the forefront of his mind most often, he can’t seem to escape it even though that is all he desires.

When Jared told Donna about the conversation and the fact that he told Jensen about his engagement she didn’t have much to say. Jared knows she isn’t happy about it, and she still wishes there was hope for him and Jensen getting back together one day, but she doesn’t blame him for moving on, she never has. He is glad for that because he feels guilty enough as it is without her resenting him too.

“How long you gonna be in town?” She finally strikes up conversation and Jared lets out a breath he was unaware of holding.

“I could only get away from the set for a couple of days. I have a flight tomorrow afternoon… I wish I could stay longer but…” Jared trails off, feeling like he is making excuses.

“It’s okay, Jared; we understand that you have to work. We’re just glad you came at all.” Donna reassures him, reaching out to squeeze one of his hands with a soft smile.

“I only have a couple of weeks worth of filming left to do so I’ll head back out here the moment I’m finished.”

“You don’t have to do that, Jared,” Donna shakes her head, giving him a look that says _it’s alright, we understand you‘re busy_ , but Jared is having none of it.

“I want to,” he tells her firmly. “I’d like to spend more time with Jensen… if he’ll want to, that is.”

“I’m sure he’ll be glad to catch up, you know he’s always so happy to see you.”

“I dunno, Donna, after our talk yesterday, I don’t think he’ll be too happy to have me around,” Jared speaks softly as he lowers his head to stare at the tablecloth. “It wasn’t my intention to tell him everything when I decided to go visit him. I really hurt him, and it‘s not something we can just get passed either.”

“I’ll admit, you probably could have picked a better time, or a better way of telling him, but it was bound to come out eventually. There’s no use beating yourself up about it now, what’s done is done and you can’t change that,” Donna tells him and Jared can’t deny the truth in her words. “He’ll have a few weeks to adjust to the way things are now and I’m sure he’ll come around eventually. He cares about you, Jared, and I know he wants you in his life. Just give him a little time; I’m sure you’ll be friends again.”

Jared gives her a half-hearted smile, “I hope so.”


	8. Chapter 8

Jensen feels listless with no desire for much of anything as he lies confined to his hospital bed once more, too downhearted to even bring himself to care. Part of him just feels like giving up, because he can hardly see what he has left worth fighting for, while another part of him doesn’t want to give in so easily. He has managed to beat the odds, survived a four year long coma and is recovering better than the doctors expected, the last thing he wants is to have a relapse. But losing Jared has kind of killed what motivation he had been holding on to. He knows he should stay strong for his friends and family, he doesn’t want to let them down, but he just feels so lost.

His world has been literally turned upside down, there isn’t much he can say he recognizes and can hold on to, and he doesn’t know what to do about that. He has pretty much lost everything - his job, his strength, his boyfriend - what does he really have to look forward to? What does he have waiting for him once he gets better and can get his life back on track? The life he’s returning to isn’t one he knows and he doesn’t know if he cares to see where this new road leads.

He can’t deny that he’s more than a little hurt that Jared has moved on. It isn’t so much that Jared moved on with his life though. The thing that really hurts is Jared moved on into the arms of Chad Michael Murray, the one person Jensen was so worried about. Jared knew how Jensen felt about the guy but Jared had reassured him time and time again that Chad was just a friend, that he didn’t want Chad as anything more. But now Jared is with the one person he told Jensen he didn’t want and Jensen can’t help but wonder if some secret, deep part of Jared had always wanted to be with the blonde haired man.

He knows these kinds of thoughts are leading him nowhere and he is just hurting himself needlessly by repeating them over and over in his head but he just can’t seem to escape them. He finds himself doubting Jared and everything the man ever said to him, every word of reassurance. Maybe Jared cared for Chad all along but he is faithful so he never acted on his feelings. Maybe Jensen was the only thing standing in his way, holding him back from what he desired, and once Jensen had his accident there was nothing standing in Jared’s way.

Jensen hates to think this way, he really does. He doesn’t want to doubt Jared, doubt the man’s love for him, doubt their relationship, but he can’t help it. He just doesn’t know what to think anymore, doesn’t know what to believe. Everything is just so messed up. Everything has been taken away from him and now he has to find some way to deal with it. He has no idea how to do that, or even whether he wants to. What he really feels like doing is curling up in a ball and cry all his pain out, disappear from the world that now looks so bleak and far too big.

A small part of him knows Jared never meant for this to hurt him but he still finds it hard to forgive the younger man. He feels betrayed in a way that hurts more than Jensen can describe and just the thought of seeing Jared right now makes his heart race and sweat to break out on his forehead. There is no way he can be around Jared, act like everything is okay when in reality Jensen feels broken and let down. He just doesn’t see how they can be friends after this, doesn’t know if he even wants to be Jared’s friend. At the moment he would have to say no, he doesn’t even want Jared in his life right now, and that hurts because for years Jared has been a big part of his life. Jensen has never cared for another person like he loved Jared and to lose him now, without being able to do anything to stop it, makes the world seem colder.

Jensen turns his head toward the door when Brad enters the room carrying a tray full of food. The man sends him a bright smile, the only way he ever greets him, and Jensen tries to muster up at least a small smile in return, he really does, but he just can‘t do it. He doesn’t see much worth smiling about right now, and he can’t even act like he does. He has always been good at putting on a false bravado for people, could act like he’s fine even though he feels anything but. Now however, he just doesn’t have it in him.

“I’ve got your lunch for ya, a turkey sandwich,” Brad says cheerfully, taking note of Jensen’s lack of a smile but managing to keep one on his own face.

Just the thought of food makes Jensen’s stomach roll unpleasantly, his appetite having deserted him. He doesn’t say anything though as Brad places the tray down on the meal table and wheels it over to him.

“You expecting visitors today?” he asks conversationally, friendly eyes and a warm smile gazing down at Jensen.

“My friend, Steve, said he’d be coming in later, and I’m sure I can be expecting my mom since I can’t seem to get rid of her,” Jensen replies, trying to joke a little but not really feeling it.

Brad chuckles anyway and it lightens Jensen’s spirits a touch. “Yeah, she seems to be smothering you a little. You can’t blame her though, she’s really glad to see you awake. She was a mess when you were in a coma, would come by every day and talk to you, hoping that would be the day you’d wake up. She’s looking a lot better now than she was. She cares a lot for you, you’re lucky to have a mom who loves you so much.”

“She is pretty amazing,” Jensen agrees wistfully, the thought of his mom managing to bring a small smile to his face. “Oh yeah, and my mom called me last night to tell me my brother will be coming to see me.” Jensen says when he remembers the conversation he had with his mom, trying his best to ignore the part where she tried to comfort him over the whole Jared issue.

“Yeah? That’s great, man, bet you’ll be glad to see him,” Brad says with that smile still fixed firmly on his face as he sinks down into the chair at Jensen’s bedside. The man probably has more patients to see but Jensen isn’t going to complain. Usually he wants to be alone when he feels as shitty as he does right now, but for some reason he doesn’t want Brad to leave, feels better in his company.

Jensen nods his head in response. “It’s been a while since I’ve last seen him, even before my accident, so I’m looking forward to his visit. Just wish it was under different circumstances.” Jensen responds with a wry, half smile.

“I’m sure he feels the same way,” Brad says softly, his expression a cross between sadness and sympathy. “I’m sorry you’re in this situation, Jensen, but you’re doing very well from what I’ve been told, and you’re getting stronger every day. I know it doesn’t seem like it but you are. It’s going to be a gradual process but you’ll regain your full strength, trust me. Keep doing your physical therapy and all those exercises and you’ll be back to your normal self in no time.”

“That’s what people keep telling me,” Jensen mutters. “I’m trying to stay positive, it’s hard when I can’t see much progress, but I’m trying.”

“That’s all we ask of you,” Brad grins before reaching out and pushing Jensen’s lunch tray an inch closer with an expectant look. “Come on, eat up now, you need to eat if you want to keep up your strength and get better.”

Jensen looks at his turkey sandwich and applesauce in distaste, knowing well how bad hospital food is. Not to mention his appetite hasn’t returned in the past five minutes. He knows he needs to eat if he ever wants to get better and get the hell out of here but he honestly doesn’t feel even a bit hungry. Plus, the fact that the food is so crappy doesn’t help any either.

“I’m really not feeling hungry,” Jensen protests, looking at Brad with a pleading expression on his face, close enough to full on pouting but Jensen will never admit it.

“Maybe so but you really should eat, you _need_ to eat,” Brad tells him unrelentingly. When Jensen continues to just look at him he shakes his head and smiles. “How bout this, I’ll make a deal with you. If you eat as much as you can stomach today, I’ll sneak you in a coffee from Starbucks tomorrow. How does that sound?”

Jensen blinks at him in surprise. “Couldn’t you get in trouble for that?”

Brad just shrugs and grins brightly in response, eyes filled with mischief. “Not if no one finds out, and you’re not going to tell them it was me that brought it for you, are ya?”

Jensen just continues to stare at his nurse for the longest time before finally reaching out and taking a bite of the turkey sandwich, silently telling his stomach to cooperate when it rolls viciously again. Brad smiles happily, telling Jensen he’ll have that coffee first thing tomorrow morning, and then he leaves the room with a wink. Jensen just shakes his head in amusement, eyes following Brad’s retreating figure in something akin to astonishment, and then he forces himself to eat his nearly tasteless sandwich.

۞ ۞ ۞

Releasing a heavy sigh, Jensen tries to move his body into a more comfortable position, but his limbs are being as uncooperative as they have been since he woke up from his coma and he feels like crying in frustration when he can only move an inch or two, releasing some of the pressure from his ass and lower back, but only a little. The last thing he wants to do is call for Brad to help him turn over but, sadly enough, he doesn’t think he has much options left. He can either call for help or he can lay here and ache needlessly.

Caught between his pride and the desire to ease the pain, Jensen lets out a huff and crosses his arms over his chest, fighting to ignore the dull ache that is more frustrating than anything. He realizes that the annoying pain might be better than the alternative because at least it keeps his mind off Jared. _Maybe I should be a little grateful for it_ , he thinks sadly.

Huffing once more, Jensen reaches for his remote and pushes one of the many buttons; the TV comes to life a second later. He flips through the channels lazily, with a bored expression. He doesn’t really care what he watches, isn’t too interested in television as it is, but he figures it might help serve as a distraction. A distraction is all he has desired since yesterday but finding one is difficult when you’re confined to a hospital bed with just a television for company.

The television blurs out of focus after a moment and Jensen can feel the familiar pangs of depression trying to creep up on him. It comes and goes, one minute he feels like balling his eyes out and the next he feels a little better. It is an endless cycle that he hasn’t figured out how to remedy and he’s getting a touch sick of it.

Jensen turns his head when someone clears their throat and he freezes in panic when he finds Jared standing a few feet away. He wants to close his eyes and have Jared gone when he reopens them, like a dream or mirage, but he knows Jared isn’t going to go away that easily.

 _It’s too soon_ , Jensen’s mind screams at him in panic, having its own nervous breakdown. _He can’t be here, it’s too soon, I’m not ready to see him!_

“What are you doing here, Jared?” Jensen asks, and that can’t be his voice… all chocked, ragged and broken. “Why are you here?”

“I just…” Jared trails off, unsure. He takes a step, hesitant, and then draws closer to the bed. “I have to go back to work tomorrow and I just wanted to stop by and see you before I have to leave. I won’t be able to leave for two weeks until the movie is finished, but I’ll come back as soon as I can.”

Jensen’s heart is beating harshly against his ribcage as he tries to comprehend what Jared just said. _He can’t be serious_ , he thinks in disbelief, silently laughing, a bit hysterically if he’s honest. It boggles his mind because, despite a bit of awkwardness, Jared is acting so nonchalant and like everything isn’t royally fucked up between them. _He can’t honestly think it’s that easy, like he can tell me he’s with Chad and nothing’s changed between u_ s, he thinks with growing pain in his heart.

“You’ll come back as soon as you can…” Jensen repeats Jared’s words slowly, having difficulty comprehending what is going on and exactly what Jared is thinking. _He can’t honestly think he can come in here after everything and I’ll just act like we’re a couple of best friends… it doesn’t work that way_ , Jensen thinks sadly, in disbelief, as he raises pained eyes to Jared.

Jared simply stares at him a moment, seemingly trying to gauge his mood, and then he releases a soft sigh as he closes the remaining space between them. “Please, Jen, I’m so sorry, okay? I know I’ve hurt you, I never meant to, and I hate myself so much for it. I just…” A sigh rushes from his lungs once more as he runs a hand through his hair and looks at Jensen in despair. “I don’t want to lose you, Jen, you mean so much to me and I’d die if you never wanted to see me again. I want us to be friends, like we were before.”

All Jensen can do for a moment is gape at Jared’s hopeful face in disbelief, silently wondering if Jared has lost his mind. “You want us to stay friends? Are you for real?” His voice expresses his disbelief. “I’m sorry, Jared, I don’t know what you were expecting would happen after you told me your news, but I don’t think I can be your friend right now.”

Jared’s expression turns pained as he immediately starts to protest, to beg. “Please don’t turn me away, throw our friendship away, without thinking it over properly first. I’ll give you all the time you need, but please just think about this first before you make any brash decisions.”

“Can you honestly see me coming over to your house and hanging out like everything is normal and I’m not still in love with you?” Jensen asks, voiced raised, trying not to become hysterical. “I can’t hang out with you and Chad, knowing you’re together, thinking the whole time that it should be me. Knowing I lost you to Chad, the one person I was always so afraid of losing you to, I just… you can’t ask that of me, Jared, you can’t!”

“Look, I know I messed things up pretty damn good, and I’d do anything in my power to fix things,” Jared says as he reaches out and grabs a hold of Jensen’s wrist.

Jensen flinches and tries to pull away but Jared won’t release him. Jensen’s heart starts beating frantically in his chest, making him feel like it’s going to beat right out of his chest, and he’s having trouble breathing the longer Jared holds his wrist. He wants to get away but can’t because he can’t walk on his own and is confined to the damn hospital bed. “Let me go, Jared,” Jensen breathes out, more panicked than angry. “Damnit, Jared, let me go! I want you to leave now.”

“No, Jen just listen to me, okay? I care about you, and underneath the hurt I know you care about me still too. I’m sorry I hurt you, you have no idea how sorry, but I’m sure we could still be friends one day if you’re willing to give it a try,” Jared tells him desperately, tightening his hold on Jensen’s wrist, trying to get him to hold still and hear him out. “Don’t shut me out, please, Jensen, I’m begging you.”

“Get the hell out, Jared! Let Me Go!!!” Jensen screams without realizing, too lost in his own panic to realize what he’s doing, pulling weakly at Jared’s hold.

Jared’s eyes widen in shock, looking at the heart monitor in horror, which is screeching the more Jensen panics. “Don’t do this, Jensen, please. I don’t want to lose you, not again,” Jared breaks down, tears sliding down his face as he watches despairingly as the love of his life closes in on himself.

“Don’t want you here… too soon… I can’t… no, I can’t do this… you can’t be here…” Jensen mumbles over and over again, feeling like his heart’s beating too fast and he can’t breathe properly.

“What the fuck are _you_ doing here?” Jared turns to find Chris standing in the doorway, eyes narrowed into slits. Jared tenses up instinctively and watches warily as Chris’ attention is drawn to Jensen and his eyes glare fire at Jared.

“What the hell did you do to him?” Chris accuses, enraged, as he rushes to Jensen’s side and tries to calm him down. Jensen doesn’t seem to notice that Chris is in the room however, and only freaks out more when Chris grabs his shoulders.

“I didn’t mean to upset him,” Jared says quietly, shame filling his body as he helplessly watches Jensen become increasingly troubled.

“You better get the fuck out of here now before I kick your ass. You’re not welcome here, Jared, and if I ever see you around here again I won’t hesitate to kill you,” Chris tells him in a low voice, tone dripping with the threat while his eyes tell Jared he is completely serious.

Jared steps back in apprehension, cutting a worried glance at Jensen and whispering, “I only wanted to talk to him, I didn’t mean to hurt him.”

When a nurse rushes into the room, alerted by all the commotion, Jared leaves as quickly as his limbs will carry him. He can’t run fast enough from the image painted on his brain though, it will haunt him for many nights and days to come.

“Jensen, hey Jen, can you hear me?” Brad calls out to the distraught man and frowns in concern when he receives no response besides the mumbles leaving Jensen’s mouth in a litany. “Come on, snap out of it, buddy. Jensen, you need to calm down, you can do it.”

Brad sighs regretfully when Jensen doesn’t seem to comprehend that he’s even being spoken to. Reluctantly, Brad retrieves a syringe and fills it with liquid before ejecting it into Jensen’s IV. It takes a moment but Jensen slowly starts to calm down and a minute or so later he is fast asleep. Brad lets out a sigh, looking at the now peaceful man sadly, before raising his eyes to the other man in the room.

“What’d you give him?” Chris asks hoarsely, wrecked and suspicious, voice low and slightly dangerous.

Brad, to his credit, tries to look unfazed as he smiles reassuringly. “He was having a panic attack and growing hysterical, I just gave him something to calm him down. He’ll feel much better when he wakes up.”

Chris looks back down at Jensen, seeing how fragile he has become, and frowns. “It might take more than that for him to feel better again any time soon,” he says cryptically, making Brad frown in confusion but he doesn’t question the long haired man.

They both just look at Jensen’s sleeping face, similar pains of concern and sympathy swimming through their veins, and Brad can’t help but hope Jensen can overcome whatever it is that broke him so badly.


	9. Chapter 9

“I really don’t know what to do, mom,” Jared says into the phone he has clutched in both hands, voice breaking slightly. “I never meant to hurt him so bad, I never meant for any of this. I just… I’m so confused, I don’t know what to do, don’t know how to make it right.”

“Jared, you need to calm down,” his mom speaks up when he slowly grows hysterical. “Take a breath and let it out slowly.”

Jared does as he is directed, inhaling deeply and then releasing it slowly, and he repeats this action twice more until he is calm enough to explain his situation. He knows the last thing he deserves is someone comforting him, he got himself into this mess after all, but this whole situation is taking its toll on him and he really needed someone to talk to. The one person in this world who will comfort him but scold him gently at the same time is his mom so he knew she was the person to call. Besides, he really needs her advice concerning Jensen because all he seems to be doing is everything wrong at the moment and he doesn’t know how to change that.

He went to the hospital today with the sole intention of apologizing to Jensen, letting the downtrodden man know that he still cares and hopes that one day they can be friends. But, somehow, it all came out wrong and Jared ended up just making things worse. He really hadn’t meant to hurt Jensen more, he only wanted to let Jensen know that he’s sorry and still wants to be in his life, but instead he ended up pushing Jensen further away and sending him into a panic attack. Right now Jared is feeling like the lowest piece of shit on the face of the earth.

He likes to believe his intentions were good when he went to the hospital, but now he isn’t so sure. He can see how fragile Jensen’s state is at the moment, and the last thing he wants is to damage Jensen’s progress, but he thinks he might have just made it worse. He hadn’t meant to push Jensen, just wanted to let the other man know he is there for him and he never stopped caring. All he had wanted was to mend the things that were broken between them, beg for forgiveness and hopefully see where things went from there. But none of his words came out the way he wanted them to, he pushed when he shouldn’t have, and he will never forget the horrifying sight of Jensen breaking down in front of him, and knowing he was at fault doesn’t make it any better.

He realizes now that maybe going to see Jensen so soon after he broke the news to him probably wasn’t one of his brightest ideas. Asking for the man’s friendship so soon wasn’t exactly brilliant either. He just wanted to fix things with Jensen so badly, or at least start fixing things, that he didn’t realize he was rushing it. Jared is probably the last person Jensen wants to see right now, and friendship is probably the last thing on his mind, Jared really should have known better. But alas, the damage is done and there is nothing he can do about that now.

“Alright, now, would you like to explain to me what has you so upset?” His mom asks once he has finally calmed down, well, as calm as he is going to get anyway.

“I went to see Jensen today,” Jared tells her with a heavy sigh, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “I just wanted to see him before I left town, wanted to see how he was doing and let him know that I’d be coming back as soon as I could. It… well, it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped it would.”

“You went to see him so soon after telling him about your engagement?”

Jared can hear the surprise and disappointment in his mom’s voice and it just fills him with more shame than he previously felt. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat by the window, grateful for the fact that Chad isn’t here at the moment. His head is a mess and this conversation is hard enough on him without having the blonde here to bear witness.

“Oh, Jared, what did you do?” She asks with that damn disappointment in her voice that wraps around his heart and squeezes painfully until his head is spinning and he feels like he can’t breathe.

“I told him I’d be back in two weeks… and that I still wanted to be friends,” Jared says this last part on a whisper, knowing deep down that it was something he shouldn’t have done.

“And how did he react?”

Jared releases a heavy sigh and closes his eyes before answering, “Badly.”

“Exactly how bad are we talking here?” His mom’s voice drifts down the line with a noticeable hesitance to it, afraid of what he has to say.

“Bad as in I pushed him too hard, asked for his friendship too soon, and sent him into a panic attack when I refused to leave after he repeatedly asked me to,” Jared admits, ashamed, and waits for the inevitable disappointment from the woman whose opinion has always meant most to him.

“J.T.,” she breathes out into the phone and Jared bites down on his lip, tears welling up in his eyes. “I thought I raised you better than that. I taught you to treat other people better than that, with kindness and understanding. I just… what were you thinking, Jared Tristan Padalecki?”

It kills him to know he has let her down, has put that tone in her voice that says she is disappointed and doesn’t even recognize her own son right now. He knows what he did was shitty, that his mom and dad would pitch a fit if they ever found out about his treatment of the man he claims to love most in this world. He has no excuse to justify his actions, past and present, and he isn’t even going to try to play the victim.

“I’m sorry, mom, I know what I did was wrong, and I have no excuse for it. I really never meant to hurt him, to treat him that way, I just was afraid of losing him. I wasn’t thinking clearly okay, I just… I was afraid of losing him again, permanently this time,” Jared explains the best he can as his tears break past his barriers and spill, unchecked, down his face in streams.

“I understand that you’re scared, Jared, but you can’t force yourself on him, that’s just going to push him further away.”

“What am I going to do, mama? He… he doesn’t even want to be friends, said that he can’t be. He’s pushing me out of his life and I don’t know how to stop it, don’t know how to mend what I’ve broken. Oh God, what do I do? Please, just tell me what I have to do to fix this,” he sobs into the phone, pleading with his mom to make everything alright, just like she did when he was little. He knows she can’t fix his mistakes, only he can, but some advice would help.

“He’s hurting right now and your presence is only making it harder on him, you have to see that. Try putting yourself in his shoes, would you want him around right now if he did something similar to you? He could still come around, he might want to be your friend one day, but right now the pain is too fresh and he needs to heal before he can even think about being your friend.” Jared listens intently to what his mom tells him and knows she is right.

“There really isn’t anything you can do. I know you don’t want to hear this but you need to give him some time, some space. He needs to heal, to adjust to the way things are now. You gotta remember, his life was turned upside down overnight. You can’t be the one to decide if you’re going to be friends, that choice is his and you’ll just have to accept whatever he decides, you owe him that much,” Sherri tells him with a solemn tone, caught between wanting to comfort her son and smack him over the head for being so selfish. “You need to step back, Jared, even if it hurts, and be prepared to let him go if that’s what he wants. If you love him as much as you say you do, then you’ll do this for him.”

Jared hangs up the phone after thanking his mom for her advice and tosses it onto the table with a heavy sigh, wiping his face dry of tears. His thoughts drift back to Chad, who flew back out to California this morning, and once again is glad the man isn’t here. He has tried not to let on to how much this is killing him, how badly he is missing his ex-boyfriend, and he really doesn’t want his fiancé to know he is having doubts.

That’s just it though, isn’t it? He is having doubts, about everything. Not even a full month ago he was sure of where his life was going. Sure, it wasn’t ideal, and it wasn’t what he truly wanted, but he had learned to be happy with what he had. Chad has been really good to him, had brought happiness to Jared’s life when he felt dead inside, and he was content to spend his life with the blonde. But now that Jensen’s awake, Jared finds that he never stopped loving him and part of him never really moved on.

Part of him, a part he hid even from himself, was still holding onto the hope that one day Jensen would wake up and they would be together again and this time they would do things right. Jared would appreciate Jensen like he was supposed to, wouldn’t take him for granted, and would put Jensen’s feelings before his own. He’d show the light haired man that he loved him more than anything in this world and he was sorry for giving him reason to doubt that.

 _I’m grateful to Chad for everything he’s done for me, but he’s not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with_ , Jared acknowledges with a sick feeling in his stomach, beginning to realize just how badly he has screwed up. He really doesn’t want to hurt Chad, the blonde has been most supportive in his time of need, but he really doesn’t know if he can go through with the wedding anymore. He can’t possibly commit himself to Chad when his heart still beats for someone else, it wouldn’t be fair to either of them. There is no guarantee he will get Jensen back of course, and he’s going to take his mom’s advice and leave the man alone while hoping and praying Jensen will talk to him again one day, but that doesn’t change the fact that he can’t marry someone when his heart just isn’t in it.

All at once Jared knows what he must do. It doesn’t make him happy, and it makes him feel like a complete heel, but he knows it’s something that has to be done. He just hopes Chad won’t hate him after this.

With a sigh of dread, Jared picks up his phone and dials a familiar number. He waits in suspense, knee bouncing under the table, and sucks in a breath when his call is finally answered.

“Chad, can you catch the soonest flight and meet up with me on set?” He forces the words out before he can lose his nerve. “We need to talk.”

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Jensen’s body feels relaxed but lethargic when he wakes up and he can’t help the yawn that escapes him. He is blissfully unconcerned about anything for a total of five seconds before his memory catches up with him and he remembers the conversation he had with Jared. He doesn’t remember all that happened, just knows their conversation was intense and he panicked when Jared wouldn’t leave, refused to let him go. He doesn’t remember falling asleep but he assumes someone gave him something, if the weighted down feeling in his body is anything to go by.

He glances around the room warily and is relieved when he finds Jared nowhere in sight. Chris is lounging in the chair at his bedside though; elbow resting on the arm of the chair, propping his head up with his hand, and his eyes are closed. _Huh, when did he get here?_ He questions silently, vaguely, but is without a doubt glad to see his friend.

“I heard you gave everyone quite the scare.”

Jensen turns his head towards the door to his room. “Did I?” He asks, smiling sheepishly at Steve. “Sorry ‘bout that… I don’t remember much, but I’m sorry for scaring anyone. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s alright, Jen, wasn’t exactly you’re fault.” Chris’ drawl enters the conversation and Jensen tries to smile at his friend, he really does, but he can’t quite manage it.

Steve pushes away from the door frame and stops once he reaches Jensen, laying a reassuring hand on his shoulder. All Jensen has to offer is a pathetic, semblance of a smile which doesn’t reach his sad eyes. He wishes he could pretend he is okay, could wipe that concern and worry from his friends’ eyes, but he just doesn’t have the strength for it. It would be pointless anyway, his friends know him too well and would see right through the lie. They know what Jared means to him so therefore they know what this is really doing to him, he can’t hide and he hates it.

“What did he say to upset you like that, Jen?” Steve asks gently.

Jensen can’t suppress a shudder as he recalls that particular conversation that sent him spiraling over the edge. “He wants us to be friends,” he answers just as quietly as Steve spoke. “I told him I didn’t think I could after everything but he wouldn’t listen to me. I kept asking him to leave but he grabbed my wrist and wouldn’t let go, made me face him, and I couldn’t go anywhere. I kinda freaked out after that.”

Steve just gazes down at him with sympathy in his eyes while Chris looks like he’s ready to attack the next person that walks through the door. Steve squeezes his shoulder slightly, reminding Jensen of his presence and the fact that he isn’t alone. Jensen manages to give him a soft, grateful smile in return.

“Well, I say you’re better off without the asshole, he never deserved or appreciated you anyway. You’ll see, once you’ve put this behind you, you’ll be glad to be rid of his ass, Jenny.” Chris gives him a half smirk, half grin when he says this.

“Don’t know if I honestly believe that, feels like it’ll always hurt like hell, but I hope you’re right,” Jensen whispers softly, closing his eyes against the fresh wave of pain, not missing the worried look Steve and Chris exchange.

Chris knows how much Jensen hates being called Jenny and Jensen knows that’s why he used the hated nickname, expecting to get a scathing remark in return, but Jensen’s lack of response obviously worries Chris more than he’d like to admit. Jensen knows his friend isn’t used to seeing him like this, doesn’t know how to deal with the situation. Jensen hates seeing his friends so worried about him but he really doesn’t see what he can do about it. He obviously can’t provide them any reassurance by telling them he will be alright, because he doesn’t know if he _will_ be alright. Right now, he doesn’t see how anything can ever be alright again; it all looks rather bleak to him.

“You’re gonna be okay, Jen, I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will. You’re stronger than you think,” Steve tells him so sincerely that Jensen can almost believe it himself, _almost_ , but not quite.

Jensen chooses not to comment on this, not sure what he could say that wouldn’t put that concerned expression back on Steve’s face. He wants to believe things will get better, that the pain he feels will slowly ease with time, but he knows that is a long way off at this point. He knows what his friends are trying to do though, and he can’t thank them enough for it. Any hope that he can hold on to is appreciated, even if it all seems rather hopeless. The fact that they are here for him, helping him through this, makes it a little easier.

“I wanna go home,” Jensen says suddenly, startling both of his friends, but Jensen is grateful when they accept the change in topic.

“I can’t say I blame you man, and you’ll be back home before you know it. You gotta get better first though, that means you do your exercises and eat when they tell you to, even if you don’t feel hungry,” Steve tells him, reminding Jensen of his mom, and he can’t help but snicker softly.

“I already have a mom, Steve, and she visits every day, I don’t need you filling in.”

“I like to think of myself as more of a big brother rather than a mom. Besides, I’m going to fuss over you all I like so you better just get used to it right now, might as well accept it and make it easier on yourself.” Steve smiles as he says this, obviously grateful for the light subject and banter, glad to see his friend joking around.

 _Hmm, guess I can still pretend after all_ , Jensen thinks wryly while keeping a light smile on his face. He really isn’t feeling the banter, though his friends thankfully fail to notice. Jensen would give anything to take those looks of concern off his friends’ faces and he figures hiding how hurt he really is is a small price to pay to achieve that. Besides, this is easier, he can’t take all these looks of pity and sympathy; he just wants people to act normal around him.

“Once you’ve been sprung from this place and are feelin’ better ya need to come to one of our shows, son, would be nice to have ya on stage with us too.” Chris picks up the conversation after a few moments of quiet, lighting hitting Jensen’s arm.

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I don’t think I’m ready to get up on stage and sing in front of a crowd. On a good day it’s rare if I feel like singing for a crowd, I really don’t want to sing in this mood I’m in. I‘m not ready for that yet,” Jensen protests with a shake of his head, hoping his friends won’t fight him on this. “I wouldn’t mind coming and seeing you guys play but don’t expect to get me away from my designated table ‘cause it ain’t happenin’.”

“Alright, man, you don’t have to sing if you really don’t feel up to it, but it would be nice to have you there. And I think it’d do you some good, having that familiarity,” Steve tells him with a smile and that ends the conversation.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
As much as he enjoys his friends’ company, he is kind of glad when Chris and Steve head out for some ‘real’ food. He can only handle having them hovering over him and acting like mother hens for so long before he feels like tearing his hair out. He is lucky to have friends that care so much about him, he knows, but they can be a bit overwhelming at times as well.

Jensen squirms around in his hospital bed for a second, trying to find a more comfortable position, and then resettles his notebook on his bent legs. He meant what he said about not being ready to get up on a stage like he has done in the past, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t in the mood to write. He doesn’t do it all the time, writing songs is more Chris and Steve’s thing, but from time to time Jensen needs to get his thoughts out onto paper and it usually comes out in the form of a song. Must be the artistic side of him coming into play.

That is what he has found himself doing for the past hour, ever since the moment his friends walked out the door. The lines flow from him like a waterfall, some sentences crossed out to be replaced by something more fitting, slowly taking shape and form. He writes all the things he can’t bring himself to say aloud, can’t talk to anyone about, not yet anyway, laying his heart bare upon lined notebook paper.

On the simple page of a cheap notebook he acknowledges how he feels about Jared and the fact that he is engaged, _engaged_ , to the one person Jensen always feared would steal Jared away. The words take the shape of a song but flows as though he is talking to Jared himself, saying all the things he wants to say to Jared but doesn’t have the strength to. He doesn’t hold back, just lets the words hit the paper without putting too much thought into it, only enough to make sure it flows right.

He reaches down deep and doesn’t hold back, hoping if he gets his emotions out the pain might ease up a bit. He knows that is a long shot, pain such as this doesn’t just go away that easily, but he knows bottling it all up will only make it worse. His pain is at the forefront of his mind, all the anguish and betrayal, sorrow and regret, and he feels like it is trying to drown him but he doesn’t push it back. In fact, he tries not to pay it much attention, just focuses on the lines of the paper and the words flowing straight from his heart. And if a tear falls upon the paper here and there, well he pretends not to notice.

He is just really having a hard time believing Jared, his Jared, could hurt him this badly. After all their arguments over Chad, all the half assed reassurances, Jared goes and does the one thing he always said he would never do. And he didn’t stop there, no, he had to go and get engaged to the guy as well. That is the icing on the cake right there!

Jared always said he didn’t see Chad that way, which was obviously a lie. Jensen can’t help but wonder what else Jared has lied about. It leads him to believe he never should have put his trust in the younger man, shouldn’t have let his guard down and allowed Jared, with his dimpled smile and friendly eyes, in to see the real him. Look what came of it. Jensen’s heart may still be beating but it feels broken within his chest and his trust in Jared, once untouchable and secure, lies in shards on the floor.

Jensen tosses the notebook onto the empty chair at his bedside in a fit of emotion, the cover flipping back and exposing the paper he just wrote on. He doesn’t bother with closing it though, can’t even bring himself to care if someone stumbles upon it, and he simply curls up onto his side in a fetal position and muffles his cries with his pillow.

  
_Do you remember_   
_the day I turned to you and said I didn't like the way he was looking at you_   
_yeah_   
_How he made you laugh_   
_you just couldn't get what I was saying_   
_it was my imagination_   


  
_So do you believe me now_   
_I guess I really wasn't that crazy_   
_and I knew what I was talking bout_   
_Every time the sun goes down_   
_he's the one that's holding you baby_   
_Yeah me I'm missin’ you way across town_   
_so do you believe me now_   


  
_I'm kicking myself_   
_for being the one foolish enough giving him the chance to step in my shoes_   
_ohhh_   
_He was bidin’ his time_   
_when he saw our love was having a moment of weakness_   
_he was there between us_   


  
_So do you believe me now_   
_I guess I really wasn't that crazy_   
_and I knew what I was talking bout_   
_Every time the sun goes down_   
_he's the one that's holding you baby_   
_Yeah me I'm missin’ you way across town_   
_so do you believe me now_   


  
_Oh yeah I bet now you see the light_   
_Oh yeah what's the use in being right_   
_when I'm the lonely one tonight_   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Do You Believe Me Now - Jimmy Wayne
> 
> Thank you to deesebethen on livejournal for pointing these lyrics out to me, it fits the story perfectly and I couldn’t resist adding them in.


	10. Chapter 10

Jared leans back in his chair, heaving a great sigh, and tries to focus his attention on the handheld game system resting in the palm of his right hand. The last thing he feels like doing is playing a stupid game, doesn’t really have the attention span for it anyway, but he still gives it his best shot regardless. He wishes he could get his mind cleared from thoughts of Jensen and Chad, the fact that he has hurt Jensen, possibly beyond repair, and is going to hurt Chad now as well.

 _That’s all I seem to do anymore, hurt the people I claim to care about_ , Jared thinks gloomily to himself, wondering if that is all he is good for. It would seem like he is, because he can’t seem to stop. He tried to make things better between Jensen and himself but look how that turned out, he sent Jensen into a frightening panic attack. And now he is calling off his engagement, which he knows will irrevocably hurt Chad. He knows it is the right thing to do, since his heart just isn’t in it, but that doesn’t exactly make it easy.

He is stuck in a position he can’t figure a way out of. He just doesn’t want to hurt anyone else; it is starting to wear him thin. He has never liked hurting people, ‘cause really, who does? But the fact that all he has done is hurt people in the last few days is making him think there is something wrong with him and to be honest, he’s hurting himself in the process.

Jared finally gives up and admits defeat when he realizes he just isn’t going to be able to focus on anything but his thoughts, tossing his game controller onto the chair next to him. He lets out another heavy sigh, rubbing a hand down his face wearily, wondering how he is going to make it through the rest of the day of filming with where his head is currently at. If he can’t focus long enough to play a game, which doesn’t require that much, how the hell does he expect to remember his lines and make them believable at that? It will be nearly impossible at best.

Though, he figures he probably has worse things to worry about, considering he is meeting up with Chad tonight. He is dreading that more than anything because he has no way of knowing how it will turn out, not to mention he just hates the thought of what he is about to do. Chad has been so good to him, so caring and patient, been his rock this whole time. And now, to do this to him, feels like he is letting him down in a way. It doesn’t change the fact that it is something he has to do though; he just wishes he could do the right thing without hurting anyone in the process.

 _Guess that’s kind of impossible_ , Jared silently tells himself as he closes his eyes and slumps down in his chair, waiting apprehensively for the director to call him to set.

He has no way of knowing what sort of reaction his decision will provoke from the blonde so instead of meeting up at some restaurant he asked Chad to meet him at his hotel, that way the man can yell at him all he wants without causing a scene. Jared knows he would deserve it, Chad’s anger, and he honestly expects nothing less. That is why he figured having this particular conversation in the privacy of his hotel room would be for the best.

He will just be glad once this is all over and done with because then he can work on making everything up to Jensen. This whole thing with Chad seems like a walk in the park compared to his situation with Jensen. There won’t be an easy fix there and he still isn’t quite sure how he is going to get himself back in the green eyed man’s good graces. He is going to let Jensen call all the shots, obviously; he will let Jensen come to him when and if he is ready to be friends again. All Jared can hope is that they can be friends again, one day. He knows that is a long shot at this point, but if you don’t have hope than what do you have? Nothing.

First thing’s first though, he needs to end things with Chad and then he can take the next step in making things right. One thing is for sure, his life is going to change quite considerably after this, and he can’t say he will regret it. He is ready to see where this path he has chosen will take him; is ready to do the thing he should have done from the moment Jensen woke up. It won’t be easy, the things you want or need in life rarely is, but he is as prepared as he can be.

“What’s got you so down in the dumps?”

Jared looks up at the voice and gives his co-star, Josh Duhamel, his patented puppy look. Josh just laughs but there is a serious look in his eyes that gives away his concern. Jared knows he hasn’t exactly been himself since he got back from Texas but he hasn’t offered up any explanation as to why and no one has bothered to ask him. He had hoped that throwing himself into his work would clear his mind of his troubles but that hasn’t exactly worked out the way he had planned. Instead his head is constantly in the clouds and apparently people are starting to notice.

“You’re usually bouncing all over the place, but now you look like your dog just died… it’s weird, dude,” Josh tells him with narrowed eyes, like he is trying to figure him out.

“I’m fine,” Jared says quietly, rubbing a hand down his face wearily and trying to offer the man a reassuring smile that he knows falls flat. “Just got some troubles back home is all.”

Josh merely looks at him for a moment, obviously trying to think of something to say, and then he turns his head to face forward. “Want to talk about it?” He asks a minute later, wringing his hands and popping his knuckles.

“Nah, I don’t want to bother you with my shit, man. Thanks for the offer though.”

“Seriously, Jared, you can talk to me if you want to,” his co-star says sincerely, looking at Jared with kind eyes that say he can be trusted.

Jared contemplates this for a moment, weighing the pros and cons. On one hand he really doesn’t want to bring his shit to work, it has never been a habit of his and he would like to keep it that way. But on the other hand, having an outsider’s perspective might be just the thing Jared needs right now. Maybe Josh could give him some advice on how to deal with it all. At this point, Jared would be grateful any kind of advice, but he wouldn’t turn down just someone to listen either.

“If I tell you this it has to stay here, can’t reach another’s ears. Ya hear me?” Jared tells him with a low tone of voice, eyes deadly serious and just a hint of threatening.

Josh just laughs, not the least bit thrown by Jared’s subtle hostility, and lays a hand on Jared’s shoulder. “Dude, I told ya, you can trust me. Whatever you say to me in confidence will stay with me. Besides, I’m not exactly the type for gossip. Figured you would have realized that by now.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t be too careful,” Jared responds dryly.

Josh rises from his seat and motions for Jared to follow him. Jared does so silently and soon he is sitting on the couch of Josh’s on set trailer while the older man watches him from his perch on the kitchenette counter. His co-star stays quiet, giving Jared time to collect his thoughts and start this conversation on his own time.

Jared wipes his suddenly sweaty hands on his jeans, wondering if he is doing the right thing, confiding in someone he has only known for the past few months. He and Josh have gotten along well enough, the other man has always been friendly towards him, and Jared could say they might even be friends. It is an issue that hasn’t been addressed as of yet, but they’ve gone out for beers on occasion, hang out on set, and talk pretty frequently… Jared assumes they are friends anyway. But that doesn’t mean Jensen is a topic Jared feels confident talking to him about.

“Whoa, you keep chewing your lip like that you’re gonna have a bloody mess on your hands,” Josh’s voice interrupts his thoughts and he looks up to find the man looking at him with bemused eyes, but that underlining concern has grown since they arrived at the trailer. “Look, I know you don’t exactly have a reason to trust me with your secrets like this, but I haven’t exactly given you a reason not to trust me either. Besides, you look like you really need someone to talk to, and I’m here, willing to listen, if you want to talk, Jared. It’s up to you.”

Jared releases a sigh, wondering where he should possibly start. “You know all about me and Chad, right?” He asks, figuring this is as good a place as any. This way he can work his way up.

“Yeah man, kinda hard not to with how often the dude shows up on set and calls you throughout the day,” Josh responds with a laugh, motioning for Jared to continue when Jared falls silent once more.

“Well, I was in a relationship before I got with Chad, was with this guy for years, and I loved this man with all my heart, I mean I _really_ loved him. I’d even go so far as to say I even thought about marrying him one day.”

“Jensen.”

Jared’s head snaps up in shock, his thoughts plastered all over his face. “How’d you know?”

Josh just gives him a soft smile. “I didn’t, but it wasn’t too hard to guess. Everyone always suspected you two had something going on, no one knew for sure though ‘cause you guys never admitted to it.”

“We weren’t ready for the world to know,” Jared tells him softly, wistfully. “Our careers were just taking off and we didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. Besides, we were content with being together; we didn’t need to shout it to the world to still be happy. We had each other and that’s all we needed.”

“So I guess it’s pretty safe to assume you two were together when he had his accident,” Josh speaks quietly, looking at him with sympathy Jared isn’t sure he deserves.

The only answer Jared provides is a nod of his head before he continues speaking once more. “Every doctor we talked to told us not to get our hopes up; they didn’t expect Jensen to ever wake up. And… God, that was so hard on me, he wasn’t dead but it felt like he was. It had felt like he took a part of me with him, I was lost without him, couldn’t move on, and I would stay at the hospitals for hours on end and no one could get me to leave his side. I had nearly given up…” Jared stops speaking for a moment when his emotions get the best of him, the memories of that time overwhelming and all too consuming, even to this day.

“Chad never gave up on me though and he pulled me back from that bad place I’d found myself in. He gave me a reason to live again, made me get back to work, focus my mind on things other than Jensen and the fact that he wasn’t waking up,” Jared speaks lowly once he has himself under control once more. “I don’t know how it happened but somehow Chad wormed his way into my heart, made me acknowledge feelings I had always pretended weren’t there. I got to know him on a deeper level than I had ever given myself a chance to, had never wanted to, and before I knew it we were in a relationship. And I don’t want it to sound like I don’t care about him, because I do, but… but I don’t think I care about him as much as I should.”

Jared looks away in shame, afraid Josh will get a glimpse of the horrible person he truly is inside, or at least that is how Jared feels these days. Right now he feels like the lowest human being on the face of the earth and there is nothing anyone could say to make him believe any different.

“What’s going on, Jared? Where are you going with this?” Josh asks, gently prodding Jared to continue.

“Jensen woke up,” he says this so softly he isn’t sure Josh hears him at first.

“And now you’re caught in a tough place.” Josh states and Jared nods his head.

“I care about Chad, I really do, but after visiting Jensen in the hospital I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I just… I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life with someone when my heart isn’t in it, it wouldn’t be fair to either of us,” Jared says in a weak voice. “I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t know if I can go through with the wedding. I… I don’t love him.”

“And how do you feel about Jensen?” Josh asks, reminding Jared of a psychologist, which makes him snicker like that nerd he is inside.

Josh gives him a look of confusion but Jared just waves a hand dismissively and grows serious once more. “I’m still not over him,” he admits honestly, a small wry smile on his lips. “He wants nothing to do with me after I told him about Chad, but I still love him as much as I ever did. I’ve hurt him so bad though, I don’t know he’ll ever be able to forgive me.”

“You need to follow your heart, Jared. I know that sounds cliché but it’s the truth. Your relationship with Chad isn’t a good one if you don’t love him and to stay with him would only hurt you both. And if you honestly love Jensen as much as you say you do, then he’s the one you should really be with.”

“I wish it were that easy,” Jared mumbles before looking up at Josh, defeat in his eyes, giving a sad shake of his head. “I’ve hurt him so much already, I’m afraid I’ll just hurt him more. He doesn’t even want to see me, the last time I saw him I sent him into a panic attack for God’s sake. Maybe I shouldn’t even try anymore; I should just leave him alone and let him live his life… maybe he’s better off without me. What should I do?”

Josh observes him silently for a long moment, arms crossed over his chest, and Jared is beginning to think Josh doesn’t have an answer for him. Jared can’t blame him, it is a pretty hopeless situation, and even Jared doesn’t know how to fix this mess he has created.

“Jared, tell me something… Even if he never takes you back, you break up with Chad and take a chance on Jensen only for it to go nowhere? Is he worth it? Is he worth fighting for, waiting for, no matter how long it takes?”

“Yes, definitely,” Jared says without a single hesitation.

Josh smiles softly, “Then I think you answered your own question.”

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Jared feels his heart jump into his throat the moment he steps into the hotel lobby and sees Chad sitting in one of the mahogany colored velvet chairs. The blonde looks up as Jared draws closer and rises to his feet immediately, looking restless and apprehensive. He already suspects, Jared thinks as a knot of guilt forms in the pit of his stomach, unyielding and achy.

He tries to smile but it feels false and awkward on his face and he can tell it doesn’t reassure Chad in the slightest, who is shifting from one foot to the other like he isn’t sure whether he wants to stand there or bolt. Jared takes a deep breath, hoping to ground himself, and motions for the blonde to follow him up to his room. Chad just nods his head and lets Jared lead the way.

His feet feel like lead as he makes his way to the elevator and he feels slightly sick to his stomach. The mindful shadow behind him doesn’t make Jared feel much better either. He wishes he didn’t have to do this, he feels like a criminal walking death row as it is, but he knows he can’t back out, can’t allow himself to chicken out at the last possible minute. He would never forgive himself if he did.

The silence between them is palpable as they make the seemingly endless elevator ride up to the fifteenth floor and Jared will be most grateful to get out of the confined space, he feels suffocated and while he has never been claustrophobic, he sort of feels like the walls are closing in on him.

He lets out an audible sigh of relief when the elevator dings and once the doors slide open Jared is rushing out into the hall. Chad watches him warily but doesn’t say a word and for that Jared is grateful because he is feeling on edge as it is. He has never been good at breaking up with people, he hates being the bad guy, and right now he is freaking out on the inside. This is worse than breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend though because this is Chad, his best friend, and he knows he stands to lose a hell of a lot more than a fiancé tonight.

Jared fumbles briefly with his keycard, cursing his badly trembling hands, and then they are closing the door behind them. Chad looks like he doesn’t know what to do, lingering by the door before stepping further into the room and finally sitting down on the edge of Jared’s bed. Jared plants himself in the chair beside the lone table in the room, wiping his hands on his jeans, and avoids looking at Chad directly.

“It sounded important,” Chad breaks the silence of the room, the sound of his voice startling Jared, making him jump slightly.

“What?” Jared asks in confusion.

“When you called me and said you wanted to talk to me,” Chad clarifies, his voice shaking slightly. “It sounded important.”

“Oh uh, yeah, it is important,” Jared responds slowly, nervous and on edge, knowing there is no use beating around the bush. “You know I care about you, right?”

Chad sits up a little straighter, like he is preparing himself for Jared is about to say. “Yeah, why… what… where are you going with this, Jared?” He asks, sounding scared, and Jared wishes he could take that tone out of the blonde’s voice.

 _This is all your fault_ , Jared tells himself as the guilt eats away at his heart.

“I… I’m so sorry Chad… I just… I can’t marry you, I’m sorry,” Jared has a hard time getting his words out but once they are finally said he.

Chad is silent for long time after this, he just stares at Jared with a blank expression on his face, but his eyes tells Jared all he needs to know. The blonde is having a hard time comprehending this at first, and then comes realization and anger, but that quickly dies out and is replaced by hurt. Jared looks away when he can no longer stand to see what he is doing to the one person who stood by him and helped him get back on his feet. _He has every right to hate me_ , he tells himself silently as his body slowly begins to tremble.

“Why?” Chad asks softly when he finally finds his voice to speak. “Just… tell me why.”

Jared knows he has to explain, has to be completely honest… Chad deserves that much. “Seeing Jensen, talking to him again, and knowing he’s alive… it got me to thinking about a few things, my life basically. It forced me to face some things I had pushed to the background and kept hidden, which is… which is that I’m still in love with him,” Jared says this last part with difficulty, mentally preparing himself for a blow up that never comes; instead a tense silence is all that is left in the wake of his confession.

“Well, that explains a few things I guess,” Chad says after a long moment, a wry smile pulling at his lips, completely devoid of humor, just kind of resigned and sad.

“What do you mean?” Jared asks, confused yet apprehensive.

“It’s just… I mean… come on Jared, I know you’ve had sex before, but when you always found reasons not to…” Chad awkwardly rubs at the back of his neck. “When you found reasons for us not to, and then saying it’d be more special if we waited until the wedding… I really wanted to believe you meant that, but… I guess deep down I always knew you weren’t over Jensen, and I never really had you.”

Jared can feel tears sliding down his face as the pain in his heart intensifies. “I’m so sorry, Chad; I never meant to hurt you, never meant to hurt anyone. I wasn’t leading you on, I... at least I don't think I was… God, I'm so fuckin’ sorry, Chad, you have every right to hate me for this.”

“It’s okay, Jared; you know I could never hold anything against you… Besides, like I said, part of me always knew your heart was holding onto Jensen, waiting for him to come back to you... it kinda softens the blow a bit, I guess.” Chad smiles, his lips trembling dangerously; belying his words.

“I’m sorry,” Jared says again, his whole body trembling now, his face a mess of tears and guilt.

“I’m not saying this doesn’t hurt like a bitch, ‘cause it does, but I guess I was sort of expecting it. Once Jensen woke up, part of me knew I’d lose you, eventually. So yeah, I guess on some level I was expecting this to happen… just didn’t realize it’d be so soon.”

Jared feels like he is being torn in two as Chad looks at him with watery eyes, keeping a strong control on his emotions but unable to hide the heartache in his blue irises. He figures saying sorry again would be redundant and unnecessary at this point so he opts to stay silent, keeping his sad eyes on the blonde.

“I knew proposing to you wasn’t the right thing to do. I knew you weren’t ready for that big of a step, that your heart wasn’t in it, but I pushed you anyway. I guess… I figured marrying you was the only way I could hold onto you…” Chad laughs and the sound of it is odd and forced, like he is berating himself. “I’m sorry for that.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Chad, I’m the one who should be sorry, and I am, more than you could ever know,” Jared tells him firmly, not wanting Chad to blame himself for any of this, the fault is Jared’s alone, and he knows it. “I know I have no right to ask this but… is there any way we can possibly be friends after all this?”

Chad bites his bottom lip, an apprehensive look on his face, regret and longing in his expressive eyes. He gives a slight shake of his head and Jared feels his hope shatter at his feet. “Maybe eventually… I dunno, Jared; it’s still too soon to make that kind of decision…” Chad looks honestly regretful as he says this, and Jared knows this pains the blonde just as much as it does him. “Right now I’d have to say no but… but you never know what could happen in the future… maybe we can be friends again, eventually, but… I can’t give you an answer right now.”

Jared nods his head in understanding. “That’s okay, I understand… just… if you ever decide you do want to be my friend again, just know I’m here when you’re ready.”

Chad nods his head before swiftly rising to his feet and heading toward the door. He stops before he can leave though when Jared softly calls his name. Jared watches as he turns back, looking like it physically pains him to do so, and winces when he sees the tears sliding down the blonde’s cheeks. Jared climbs to his feet, movements jerky and unbalanced, but he doesn’t step any closer to Chad.

“I really am sorry,” Jared doesn’t know why but he just felt this needed to be said, like he knows the blonde isn’t quite convinced and he _needs_ Chad to believe him.

“Me too,” is all Chad says and then he is out the door, leaving Jared alone with the silence.

Jared stands rooted in place, the quiet deafening to him, and nearly stumbles before dropping heavily onto his bed. It hadn’t been easy, which he never expected it to be, but now that it is out of the way he can’t help but feel liberated. He is sorry for hurting Chad but he doesn’t regret calling off the engagement.

Despite knowing he did the right thing and feeling better for it, tears are still relentlessly falling from his eyes and he just can’t seem to stop them.

Lying down, Jared curls up on his side and hugs one of his pillows to his chest. He desperately wishes Jensen were here right now, to hold him and tell him everything will be okay, just like he used to do in the past. He can easily recall the way Jensen would wrap himself around him like a warm, comforting blanket and hold onto him for hours, softly whispering reassurances in his ear and kissing his temple. Jared always felt so safe and loved within Jensen’s arms, always knew he wasn’t alone and that no matter what he went through in life he had someone there who would carry half of the burden for him. Jensen was the one constant thing in his life, the one person he could always count on, and now he isn’t here.

“Oh God, how could I have given up on him?” Jared whispers, voice wrecked by tears, and he finally allows himself to break down into sobs, truly astounded by how badly he managed to mess up his life.


	11. Chapter 11

Jensen has gotten by the best that he can in the past two weeks, which seemed to pass by at a crawling pace yet rather quickly at the same time. He has done everything he can think of to keep his mind off of Jared and all his problems involving the shaggy-haired man. He has thrown himself into his physical therapy, determined to get his strength back and be well enough to go home. He hopes that day will come soon too, because he doesn’t know how much longer he can stay in this hospital without going insane.

It has been a slow uphill climb to recovery for him, even though his doctor says he is doing very well and will likely be able to go home in a week, maybe a week and a half. This is good news, the best actually, but still Jensen thinks the road to recovery has been a long one and it’s wearing him down. He has recovered the strength in his leg muscles though, which is a very good thing. He still has a ways to go, his leg muscles aren’t up to a hundred percent yet, but he can walk now mostly without the help of another person so he figures it is an accomplishment.

The physical therapy always leaves him feeling drained and in pain but he pushes forward with determination, the only thing keeping him from giving up. It isn’t always easy, some days are harder than others, but determination is really the only thing he has and he uses it with the forcefulness that Dean Winchester would if in a similar situation.

Jensen wants nothing more than to leave this hospital and go back to the comfort of his home, craves that familiarity so bad he can almost taste it. There is only one problem with this though. He doesn’t have a home anymore. Once he leaves the hospital he will have to move back in with his parents for a while, at least until he gets back on his feet. He certainly doesn’t have everything figured out, but he doesn’t really need to at the moment. He is simply taking things one day at a time, and once he is out of this damn hospital he can figure out where he’s going to live and what he will do for work.

He must admit that it isn’t that bad here at the hospital, all things considered. He has gotten to know Brad a lot better and the man is more than just Jensen’s nurse, Jensen likes to think of the guy as his friend as well. Brad is one of the people that have made his stay at the hospital at least bearable and he couldn’t thank the man enough for it. It is tough being stuck in this room all the time, sometimes he feels so fidgety and restless he thinks he’ll crawl right out of his own skin. But, Brad stops by often, even on his days off, and just sits with Jensen for hours. Sometimes they just sit and talk, about mostly random things, but it passes the time and Jensen finds he looks forward to the man’s visits. Other times Brad will show up with a board game and cup of coffee for Jensen in hand.

The blue eyed man has become a good friend to him and Jensen just hopes they don’t lose touch once he gets released from the hospital, he would like to remain friends with him if he can.

Tired of laying in bed and unwilling to do it a minute longer, Jensen tosses his legs over the side of his bed and gingerly rises to his feet, using the guard rail as leverage and to ensure he doesn’t lose his balance. Once he is positive his legs won’t give out on him, he slowly makes his way to the chair by the window and stands directly behind it so he can grab the back should his legs decide to rebel against him.

Jensen enjoys the feel of warm sunlight on his face but still can’t help but wish he could go outside and get some fresh air. He has been allowed outside once so far, once the doctor deemed him well enough, but he can never go without the aid of a nurse. He would enjoy the feel of sunshine on his skin without the window as a barrier but Brad isn’t working today and Jensen doesn’t really like the nurses that are on duty at the moment. They always seem bored and impatient with him and if there is one thing Jensen hates, it is to feel like a burden, to anyone.

And so, he stands by the window of his room and looks out upon a world he doesn’t quite feel a part of. He aches to join it once more, to get his life in order and see where this new road takes him. More than anything he just wants Jared back, wants to go back to the life that was ripped away from him, but he knows there is no possible way that he can so instead he will settle with following a new path. A path that is equally frightening as it is exciting.

He has no doubt that endless possibilities lay out in front of him, he just needs to choose the ones right for him. This is his chance at a fresh start and the last thing he wants is to let it pass him by, he refuses to drown in depression and wallow in self pity, though that sounds like the easiest route. There are other people to think about though, not just himself, and those people are counting on him to get better. They have waited four years for him to wake up, never gave up hope even though they were discouraged time and time again by doctors, the least Jensen can do is fight to get his life in order, for them.

Several people have come to see him since he woke up and he is grateful to them for it. It is nice knowing they care and are happy he is awake, is alive. The people he was happiest to see however, were his brother and Jeff. He hasn’t been able to see his brother as often in the past as he’d like, always busy with work, but he would like to change that now that he has more time on his hands. It was also really nice seeing Jeff because he hasn’t seen the man since the last time he visited the set of Supernatural, which had been four months before Jensen’s accident.

The thought of his friend brings a smile to his face, recalling the older man’s visit. He had entered the room with that brilliant smile on his face that always made Jensen feel like all was right in the world. Jeff’s smile has always made Jensen feel that way, even when he was in the shittiest of moods; he couldn’t help but cheer up slightly when Jeff flashed that smile his way. Jeff just has a way of pulling you out of those dark corners of your mind and shedding a little light on your darkest days.

Jeff had promised to stay in town for a few days and catch up, so Jensen is really hoping he picks today to stop by because Jensen has been alone for the better part of the day and he’s starting to get bored out of his mind. Not to mention, he doesn’t have much time to dwell over Jared when he has visitors, so he tries to stay in the company of others as often as he possibly can. It is the only thing keeping him from falling apart.

“Are you okay?”

Jensen looks up at the sound of Brad’s voice and finds the man standing just inside the doorway, looking at Jensen with genuine concern on his face. Jensen can’t help but gape at him in surprise for a moment because he honestly wasn’t expecting him to show up today. Sure, he has visited on his days off before, that is nothing new, but he usually lets Jensen know beforehand. He is pleased to see the raven haired man though.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jensen replies with a soft smile of reassurance. “Just kind of bored though, pretty tough to entertain myself when confined to this room all the time and there’s only so much TV I can watch before I feel like tearing my hair out.”

Brad chuckles softly as he crosses the room and takes a seat at the tiny table. Jensen joins him a moment later, lowering himself onto the chair he had been leaning against. Brad slides a bottle of grapefruit juice along the table top, which he must’ve bought from the cafeteria, and Jensen sends him a grateful smile. He has been thirsty for a while now but he hadn’t wanted to bother any of the nurses, knowing it would be like pulling teeth just trying to grab one of their attention long enough to ask for a drink. Not all of the nurses are as attentive as Brad.

Jensen glances up from opening his juice and stops short at the smile he finds on Brad’s face, wondering why the dark haired man is smiling at him like that. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Jensen asks with a soft laugh, curiosity and discomfort in his voice.

Brad visibly shakes himself out of his thoughts and blushes slightly at being caught staring. “Nothing really, I was just thinking about how good you’re doing compared to when you woke up,” he says with a nonchalant shrug.

Jensen thinks back to how weak he had been a few weeks ago, the muscle spasms he had to endure and the times he would lose his grip on things, how he couldn’t even get out of bed without assistance. All things considered, he guesses he has made good progress. “Yeah, I’m certainly feeling a lot better now than I was a few weeks ago.” Jensen finally speaks, a bit of self pride bleeding into his tone.

“You’re walking on your own now, are getting better at it every day in fact, and you’re regaining strength in your arms. Not to mention you’re looking a lot healthier now, color returning to your complexion. I just… I’m proud of you.” Brad admits with a shy smile, chuckling through his awkwardness. “And I envy you. You’ve shown a lot of determination, going to your physical therapy without a complaint, and you’re doing this all on your own. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

Jensen can’t stop a blush from blossoming on his cheeks, which happens every time he gets a compliment, and he turns his face away from Brad’s perceptive eyes, opting to gaze outside the window. “Thanks,” he whispers softly and allows a small smile to play on his lips as a comfortable silence descends upon them.

The late afternoon sun is shining brightly and Jensen feels a pang of longing as he sees the leaves on the trees swaying in the breeze. He is tired of being holed up in this room; he would like nothing more than to feel that breeze on his face, to breathe in some fresh air rather than antiseptic and other medical scents.

“You want to go outside?” Brad’s voice draws him out of his thoughts and he has to forcibly tear his eyes off the window.

“I’d like to but I don’t want to bother anyone.”

“You’re too nice for your own good,” Brad tells him with a roll of his eyes, a teasing but slightly serious smile on his face. “It’s their job to take you outside sometimes. If you want to go outside you should tell them, I know they can be jerks at times, but you shouldn’t have to suffer because of it.”

“I really don’t want to be a hassle,” Jensen insists with a shake of his head. “Besides, they’d just stand around looking bored and I’d just be uncomfortable anyway. It’s better to just stay in here.”

“No, they shouldn’t make you feel like a burden while you’re staying here, Jen, it’s not right.” Brad says firmly as he rises from his chair. “I’ll go track down your doctor, get his approval, and then we’ll head outside.”

“Do you really think he’ll go for it? I mean, it’s your day off.” Jensen points out, unsure.

“It might be my day off but I’m still a nurse here.” He responds with a laugh as he starts backing out of the room. “He won’t mind if I take you outside for a little while, so don’t worry about it. I’ll be right back, just sit tight.”

Jensen just nods his head and watches as Brad disappears from the room.

۞ ۞ ۞

The moment Jensen steps outside he takes in a deep breath of fresh air and relishes in the feel of the breeze caressing his skin. Brad stands silent at his side, giving him this time to truly enjoy being outside, not rushing him in any way. Jensen knows he doesn’t have much time out here, the doctor only permitting him a half an hour at the most, and he is determined to fully enjoy it.

After a few more moments of just standing in place, eyes closed and a small smile lifting his lips, Brad leads him over to a bench and they take a seat. The warmth of the bench seeps in through the thin pants hanging loosely off his hips and he can’t help but sigh contentedly. The sound of birds chirping can be heard coming from the trees directly above their heads and the familiar sound is soothing to Jensen for some reason he can’t begin to explain.

As he sits there in silence with Brad he allows his thoughts to wander, but unfortunately all his mind can seem to think about is Jared. This isn’t anything new of course, Jensen thinks about the younger man often, but right now is not the time to be thinking about his ex lover. Ex lover, that still sounds so wrong to Jensen. He misses the younger man’s presence like a severed limb, his life just feels incomplete without Jared in it and he feels lost.

He has had a lot of time to think about things over the past two weeks and he has come to a few conclusions. He would like to be Jared’s friend again one day, he would rather have Jared as his friend than not have him at all, but right now he just doesn’t think he has the strength it would require. The pain is still too fresh, he needs to heal and move on with his life before he can let Jared back in, even just as his friend.

Ever since he learned about Jared and Chad he was wanted to blame Jared, has been so angry and let down. He still can’t help feeling a little betrayed because he fell into the arms of the one person Jensen was so insecure about, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want Jared to be happy. Once he looks passed the pain ripping apart his soul he can admit all he wants and has ever wanted was for Jared to be happy. It kills him to think that Chad makes him happy, and part of him can’t forgive him for being with the blonde, but he understands that four years is a long time to wait when there was very little hope. He isn’t upset that Jared moved on, he would never want Jared to put his life on hold like that, especially if Jensen really hadn’t woken up.

Jared moved on with his life, and in a way Jensen is glad he did, but he just wishes he could find a way to do the same. That is a hard thing to do though, when you have no desire or will to see it through. Right now Jensen feels like his life has very little meaning and he is only holding on, trying to be strong for his loved ones’ sake. This makes him feel pathetic and weak but he cannot deny the truth of it.

“Hey,” Brad’s voice draws him out of his thoughts once more and he finds a familiar look of concern on the man’s face. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Jensen doesn’t say anything for a long moment, silently contemplating this question. “No,” he finally admits, voice no louder than a whisper. “No, I don’t think I am.”

Brad’s sky blue eyes watch him carefully, genuine concern and remorse in their depths. “This is about Jared, isn’t it?” He asks, though he already knows the answer.

Jensen doesn’t answer, feels it is pointless anyway since the answer is an obvious one. He has been in a depressed state ever since Jared broke the news to him and everyone knows it. He hasn’t spoken about Jared and no one has pressured him to talk, thankfully, but they can tell this whole situation has taken its toll on Jensen. He can see it in their eyes, in the way they all look at him sometimes. Like they want to help him but aren’t quite sure how. Jensen knows it isn’t exactly healthy to bottle everything up but he has done it for so many years that he doesn’t think he knows how to talk about his feelings anymore.

Brad shifts on the bench so he facing Jensen and reaches out tentatively, almost unsure, as he lays a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “You know you can talk to me if you ever need to,” he tells Jensen softly, sincerity in his words as well as his eyes. “If you ever need to talk about Jared, or anything at all, I’d be willing to listen and I’ll try to help you if I can.”

A smile pulls at Jensen’s lips at these words. “Thanks, maybe I’ll take you up on your offer, one day.” He says truthfully, not sure he’ll ever be able to talk about Jared, to anyone, but then again stranger things have happened.

It is nice to know there is someone he can go to should he ever feel the need to talk though, and knowing it isn’t someone close to the situation, like Chris or Steve, kind of makes him feel a little more comfortable with the whole idea. Brad doesn’t know Jared, doesn’t know the situation between Jensen and Jared well enough, so he would be objective and likely to give Jensen honest advice without coddling him. Or he could simply be someone Jensen can talk to when he needs to get things off his chest, someone Jensen can go to with things he can’t talk to anyone else about.

Jensen is seriously considering this, he must admit, but that doesn’t mean he will talk to Brad. Only time will tell for positive, but the fact that he is at least considering the option is an improvement. He feels strangely comfortable with the man though, for not knowing him very long, and thinks he just may be able to talk to the man if he should ever feel the need to, when keeping it inside is something he simply cannot do much longer.

“So, you got any plans for when you get out of here?” Brad asks, changing the subject when he sees that Jensen needs it, and Jensen couldn’t be more grateful.

“To be honest, not really. I know I need to look for a place to live, and finding work would be a good idea, but I… things have changed so much, you know?” Jensen turns to face Brad, unsure how to explain all that is going on in his head. “Everything I had to count on is gone and I have to start over. And the crazy thing is, I’m not sure I want to get right back into acting. Don’t get me wrong, I love acting, but… it’s all I’ve ever known and I’m kinda curious to see if there’s anything else I’m good at.”

Jensen doesn’t speak again for a moment, a thoughtful look on his face, and Brad waits patiently for him to continue, giving him time to gather his thoughts. “I dunno, I guess I don’t really know what I’m talking about.” Jensen says with a wry grin, almost bitter. “Acting is what I’m good at, the career I‘ve been trained for all my life, and I know I’d disappoint a lot of people if I gave it up, even just for a little while. Besides, I’m too old to do the whole soul searching thing.”

Brad frowns as he listens to Jensen, sympathy for a man that puts everyone else’s wants and opinions before his own, puts everyone’s happiness before his own. Jensen doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, even though finding something else he could love as much as acting is something he obviously wants to do.

“I don’t mean to offend you by saying this, and you can tell me to mind my own business if I’m out of line, but you should do what you want Jensen and not worry about what everyone else thinks.” Brad tells him gently, hoping and praying he doesn’t anger the green eyed man. “If exploring your options is what you really want to do, then I think you should. And if acting is what makes you happy, then you should do that. Either way, this is your life and you’re the one that has to live with your decision, you should do what you want rather than what is expected of you. Now, I’m not saying you should give up acting, ‘cause I’ve seen some of your work and I think you’re amazing, but if acting isn’t making you happy then… well, you should find what does.”

Jensen is silent as he considers this, unable to deny that Brad has a point. He has been doing what everyone has wanted him to do for so long that he almost doesn’t remember how to just do what feels right anymore. He got into modeling because it was what his parents wanted for him, and while he has enjoyed acting, he only got into the business because his dad pushed him once he saw how much potential and talent he had. To have one of his sons following in his footsteps made his dad so proud that Jensen didn’t want to disappoint him by saying it wasn’t his first career choice.

Everything Jensen has done in his life up to this point has been because someone else wanted him to and he is just now starting to realize how badly he wants to take back control of his life and do something _he_ wants to for once. The idea kind of scares him though, since he is not used to doing things for himself, so he figures making any life changing decisions wouldn’t be the greatest idea right now. Something like this warrants a lot of thought and time, and he just isn’t in the right frame of mind to make any serious decisions.

“Look, I know this is kind of a strange question but I was wondering,” Jensen evades responding and changes the subject, turning curious eyes on his companion. “We’re still gonna be friends when I get released, right?”

Brad doesn’t comment on the fact that Jensen ignored what he just said and that is one thing Jensen likes about the man, he doesn’t push and prod. “Of course we’ll still be friends,” Brad laughs as though it is just a crazy thought. “As long as you want to be.”

“Okay, good,” Jensen smiles, relieved. “’Cause I do.”

“Alright then, glad we got that straightened out.”

Jensen just nods his head in response as they continue sitting there in silence and Jensen allows himself to enjoy his remaining time out in the sunshine. He carefully keeps his mind away from all thoughts of Jared and focuses on the reassuring and comforting presence sitting beside him on the bench.


	12. Chapter 12

The room is bright in the early morning hours as Jensen sits at the table by his room window, tired of being confined to his bed, and silently eats his breakfast. The food isn’t satisfying to his taste buds in any sense but it is all he has and besides, by this afternoon he won’t have to put up with the crap the hospital likes to call food anymore. He figures he can put up with it for just a little bit longer.

He is overjoyed to be getting out of here in just a few short hours, he has had enough of the hospital and has no intentions of coming back any time soon. Even after he leaves he will still have routine physical therapy to endure but he has been deemed fit enough to go home and he couldn’t be happier about it. He surely won’t miss this place, and the only thing he will regret is not seeing Brad as often anymore.

Sleeping in an actual bed is one of the things he looks forward to most. The stiff and uncomfortable hospital bed loses any charm it may have by the second day you’re confined to it and Jensen looks forward to comfort a real bed provides. He will also be happy to be able to go outside whenever the urge hits him and to eat fast food and his mom’s home cooked meals is something he has craved for too long for him to be able to give an accurate answer.

His mom couldn’t be happier with the fact that he is coming home, has told him all she has done to prepare for his return. He couldn’t help but smile and roll his eyes fondly when he talked to her yesterday as she told him about all the adjustments she made to his old room. Apparently she went all out, buying new bedding for his childhood mattress and curtains for his window. His mouth practically watered when she told him she was going to prepare his favorite dish for dinner the night of his release and he thanked her so much he actually had her blushing.

 _God, I can’t wait to go home_ , he thinks to himself with a soft smile before shoving a fork full of tasteless scrambled eggs into his mouth.

“Seems every time I see you you’re stuffing your face,” a jovial voice draws his attention to the door of his room and he can’t help the grin that climbs onto his face the moment he sees Jeff Morgan.

“What can I say, you just have the best timing.” Jensen grins happily as he rises from the chair and pulls the older man into a warm hug.

They hug each other for a long moment; their hugs seem to last longer now than they ever did before, the one indication that the whole incident had affected Jeff badly. Jeff isn’t one for emotional speeches, just told Jensen he scared the crap out of him and that he’ll kick his ass if he does this again. He made sure to tell Jensen how relieved he was that Jen was awake and going to be okay, but that was all that was said about the accident, the rest of the time was spent catching up. Jensen is grateful for this because talking about the accident aren’t conversations he enjoys at all.

They pull away from each other after a moment, soft smiles and warm eyes, and take a seat across from each other at the table. Jensen resumes eating his breakfast, though it is less appealing than it previously was now that Jeff is here. He is glad his friend decided to stay longer than he had originally planned; he enjoys spending time with Jeff and is willing to take as much time as he is allowed. Not to mention he doesn’t know when the next time he sees the man will be so he is in no hurry to say goodbye.

“So I heard you’re being sprung from this place today,” Jeff speaks with a spark in his eyes. “How come you didn’t tell me?”

“I only found out yesterday, haven’t really had a whole lot of time to let everyone know,” Jensen explains with an apologetic smile. “I would have called you but with your old ass, who knows if you would’ve been in bed already.”

Jeff places a mock-offended look on his face and scowls at Jensen. “Watch it, boy, if you’re well enough to go home I figure you’re well enough for a good ol’ ass woopin’ for that old comment.”

Jensen just grins softly, teasingly, and a comfortable silence soon follows. Jensen finishes the rest of his breakfast, or as much as he can stomach anyway, while Jeff gazes outside the window with a pensive expression on his face.

“Listen, kid, I didn’t want any awkward conversations or anything, but I’m sorry about Jared,” Jeff says sincerely as he turns to regard Jensen once more, sympathy and kindness in his deep brown eyes.

Jensen immediately tenses up at the mention of Jared and the smile that lifts his lips is strained with the lack of any real joy. “Yeah,” he breathes quietly, biting his lip and shifting his eyes away before flicking them back toward his friend. “Thanks…”

“I know what he meant to you, and it kills me to know the hand life dealt ya. I wish things were different for the two of you, and I can imagine how much you’re hurting right now, I guess…” Jeff trails off as he smiles warmly, though he can’t hide the sadness in his eyes. “All I’m trying to say is I’m here for ya if you ever need to talk.”

“Thanks, Jeff, I appreciate the offer,” Jensen’s voice is no more than a whisper as he speaks, lower lip trembling dangerously as his emotions get the better of him for the first time in days. “You’re a… a good friend.”

Jeff doesn’t speak a word as he rises from his chair and takes Jensen into his arms, whispering words of comfort into the younger man’s hair. Jensen feels no shame for showing weakness in front of his friend as he buries his head in Jeff’s shoulder and his tears wet the fabric of his shirt.

۞ ۞ ۞

Jensen still walks slower than he is completely comfortable with, hating the toll the coma has taken on his body, but he is just grateful to be walking on his own in the first place. So what if his movements are more sluggish and require more focus than normal, at least his limps are no longer limp like that of a rag doll. He knows he should be thankful for small favors, and he is, but it is still a bit frustrating.

Steve walks beside him with a hand on his arm, not gripping so much as guiding and making sure he doesn’t lose his balance and fall. Jensen is a lot more confident when it comes to walking, his leg muscles have improved vastly, but it is still nice to have Steve’s reassuring hand on his arm.

The main thing that bothers him about walking is he tires quickly and he knows he could easily overdo it if he tried to walk too long or too far, could easily exhaust himself. His doctor assured him that would improve the more he walked and as his health got better. At least he has that to hold on to, and now that he is home, it only encourages him more. He seriously doubts he could have lasted much longer in the hospital without driving himself crazy, his skin had already begun to itch with the need to leave as it was. Seeing his childhood home now though, he thinks he has never been happier to be here, even with the knowledge that his mom is going to be smothering him and generally not letting him out of her sight.

The minute Jensen steps inside the warmth of his home Mackenzie has him wrapped up in a tight hug that forces all air from his lungs and has him laughing breathlessly as he tries difficultly to embrace her back with his elbows digging painfully into his sides. His mom stands off to the side with a warm smile on her face and tears in her eyes while his dad stands behind her with fondness playing on his features. As Jensen gazes at his family, his sister in his arms, he realizes how close he came to losing this and it hits him hard. He has been preoccupied by his pain and hurt over Jared that he didn’t stop to see what he still had in his life but he’s looking now and he couldn’t be more grateful to be alive.

“Alright, Mack, let the boy breathe,” their mom chuckles happily as she speaks. “I’ve got sandwiches in the kitchen if anyone wants one.”

The sound of food, real food, has Jensen’s mouth watering and he sends a grateful smile his mom’s way before slowly making his way to the kitchen once his sister relinquishes her hold on him. Chris is sitting at the table when Jensen enters, already stuffing his face with a roast beef sandwich, and the only acknowledgement Jensen receives is a grunt and a half-assed attempt of a wave.

Grabbing a turkey and cheese sandwich from the plate placed in the middle of the table, Jensen takes a seat across from his friend and bites eagerly into his food. It has been a while since the last time he had decent food, longer than he can remember if you count the four years he was comatose, and right now this mere turkey sandwich tastes like Heaven to him. Chris watches in amusement, though Jensen doesn’t think he has a right to mock him since the man is currently inhaling his roast beef, but Jensen must admit he is glad for a bit of normalcy.

“I bet you’re glad to be home finally.” Steve says as he takes a seat at the table, tossing an annoyed glance in Chris’ general direction and shaking his head with a roll of his eyes before turning to Jensen.

“Oh man, you have no idea,” Jensen moans while giving a long suffering look at his friend. “The hospital loses any appeal it may have had by the second day you’re there.”

“Well, you’re out now, and you can start getting your life back in order.”

“Speaking of your life,” Donna includes herself in the conversation as she enters the kitchen, “we have all your things in storage, all of it wouldn’t fit in the garage and your dad thought it’d be easier just to rent a storage unit, so if there’s anything you want us to pick up just let us know.”

“You’ve been paying rent on a storage unit for four years?” Jensen asks with wide eyes as he slowly processes this, realizing how much this had to have cost them, all on account of him. “You didn’t have to do that.”

His mom sends an incredulous expression his way. “And what would you rather have had us do? Get rid of all your things?”

“Well, no, of course not. But, well, it had to have been expensive after a while.” Jensen says softly, wondering what they would have done if he hadn’t woken up like all the doctors had said he wouldn’t, but he doesn’t voice this thought aloud, not wanting to upset anyone. “I’ll pay you back.”

“Nonsense!” His mom exclaims, aghast. “You’ll do no such thing! It was our choice to rent that storage bin and I’ll not have you pay a cent back to us. You understand young man?”

“Yes ma’am.” Jensen responds sheepishly, feeling as though he has been scolded.

Chris can’t contain himself when laughter bursts free. “Son, she told you!”

“You may not be my son, Christian, but don’t think for a second I won’t take a spoon to you,” Donna warns and Jensen has a hard time holding back his own laughter when Chris deflates and whispers an apology.

 _Man, it’s good to be home_ , he thinks to himself with a fond smile as he tells everyone he’s going to go rest for a bit.

Standing in the middle of his childhood room is strange to say the least but the familiarity is comforting in a way he needs right now. Taking a seat on his newly made bed he glances around the room and lets the memories wash over him.

Remembering the reason he came up here in the first place, which had nothing to do with being tired, anxiety begins to swim through his veins. He didn’t exactly want an audience though, needing privacy, so he claimed to be more tired than he actually is.

He has had a lot of time to think about things while he was in the hospital and he has come to a few conclusions. He is tired of the way his life is at the moment, and the fact remains that it _doesn’t_ have to be this way. He has the power to make things better, for everyone, and in the long run it might be best for him to take this step. He needs to get his life back on track, wherever that may lead him now that everything has changed, and the only way he can do that is by facing the one thing holding him back and put it behind him somehow.

With a nervous breath, Jensen grabs the cordless phone on the nightstand by the bed and dials in a number.

۞ ۞ ۞

Jared’s fingers are restless on the steering wheel as he drives down familiar streets he was beginning to think he’d never drive down again, not sure he’d be welcome where he is currently heading. He has been back in Texas for a good few days now, shacking up at his parent’s place and hiding out. The moment filming had been finished and he had been free to go home his agent had called to set up his next project, sending script over script to his house, trying to get him to keep working.

Working is the last thing Jared wants to do right now though and he honestly doesn’t think it would be a wise choice considering his frame of mind and all he is going through in his personal life. Liz is a wonderful agent and a really sweet person but she can also be demanding and stubborn, the very last thing he wants to do is deal with her so he has been avoiding her like the plague, talking to her only once to tell her he’s taking a break. She hadn’t been happy about it, tried to talk him out of it, is still trying to talk him out of it, but his mind won’t be changed no matter how much she pesters him.

The moment the Ackles’ family home comes into view the nervous tension assailing Jared picks up a notch and his palms begin to sweat from where his hands are wrapped around the steering wheel, gripping so hard they are beginning to ache. He doesn’t know what to expect when he gets there, doesn’t know what reaction he will receive from everyone inside the house and he’s terrified this conversation will all blow up in his face.

He isn’t deterred however, he needs to talk things out with Jensen and hope there is something left salvageable between them, friendship or otherwise, at this point he’s willing to take whatever he can get. He can’t be too sure talking it over _now_ is all that wise; he still feels it might be too soon and he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. But, nevertheless, he is here and there is no backing out now. He just hopes this goes better than he is expecting it to.

Jared parks his car in the driveway, behind Jensen’s dad’s ford pickup, and kills the engine. Taking a deep breath, searching for whatever courage remaining within, he climbs out of is vehicle and looks long and hard at the house in front of him. He hopes his apprehension isn’t clear on his face because right now he isn’t feeling all that confident and knowing he probably isn’t welcome here, especially right now, doesn’t help him to calm down at all.

Before he can take a step toward the front door it flies open and an irate Christian Kane is barreling in his direction, the murderous expression on his face making Jared take a cautious step backwards.

“Chris, just let me explain…” Jared tries to say but his words fall short the moment Chris’ fist connects with his jaw.

“Okay, I deserved that,” Jared says as he rubs his intensely aching jaw, though knowing the shorter man isn’t listening to him. _Man, he can really throw a punch_ , he thinks to himself as the pain in his jaw seems to intensify.

Chris doesn’t utter a single word as he pulls his arm back and hits Jared once more before Jared can even attempt to defend himself or block Chris in any way. This punch is harder than the one previous and has Jared’s head snapping to the side, nearly knocking him off balance. The only thing keeping him from hitting the ground is Chris’ strong grip upon his arm, nails digging sharply into the flesh of his bicep as he opens the driver’s side door of Jared’s Pontiac and starts pushing him inside.

“I told you to stay away, Jared, you should have listened,” Chris snarls.

“No, please, just hear me out,” Jared tries once more to explain but, as expected, Chris isn’t listening.

“So help me God, Jared, you better get in your fuckin’ car and leave before I really lose my temper,” Chris growls as he trembles with anger, barely restraining himself as his fist balls up at his side.

“Damn it, Christian, would you listen for a minute?” Jared finally loses control on his irritation and immediately knows it was the worst thing he could have done when dealing with a pissed off and short fused Christian.

Chris’ eyes become stormy as the thin thread holding his anger in check snaps and Jared once more finds himself on the receiving end of one of the singer’s powerful punches, unable to block Chris’ fist before it makes contact with his already sore jaw. Vaguely Jared can hear someone screaming but he can’t focus on it as Chris pulls his fist back to strike him once more. Before he has the chance though Jensen appears suddenly and grips onto Chris’ arm, barely preventing his fist from planting itself into Jared’s cheek. The only reason Chris stops at all is because Jensen places himself between them.

“Chris, stop!” Jensen yells loudly, near to a scream, snapping Chris out of his blind rage and capturing his attention. “I called him, okay! I asked him to come over so we could talk, and I know you’re just looking out for me but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t scare him away.”

Chris gapes back at Jensen, still trembling in anger, though they all know it isn’t directed at Jensen. “You seriously called this asshole?” Chris asks in disbelief, sending a glare at Jared over Jensen’s shoulder. “What could you possibly have to talk about with this self centered prick?”

“Look, I know you have your issues with him, I can understand why, but it is my choice to talk to him. We can’t leave things the way they are, we need some kind of closure, _I_ need closure, and the only way that can happen is if we talk about everything,” Jensen explains in a rush of breath. “I don’t expect you to be happy about it but I do expect you to respect my decision.”

Chris remains silent for along moment as he looks at Jensen imploringly, clearly hoping he will change his mind. When Jensen remains firm and doesn’t back down however Chris lets out a sigh of resignation and takes a step back, sure sign he has given in. This doesn’t stop him from glaring at Jared though, the warning in his gaze unmistakable.

“You hurt him in any way and even he won’t be able to stop me from beating your ass like you deserve.”

Jared wants to point out that he already got his ass beaten but he knows that would be the wrong thing to say, would just anger Chris needlessly, so he remains silent. He just gives a nod of his head to reassure the singer and watches as Chris finally walks away, leaving them alone for the first time since that day in the hospital.

Jensen slowly turns around to face him, eyeing him warily, unable to keep eye contact for long, and motions for Jared to follow him into the house. Jared hesitates briefly, having the irrational fear of being ambushed the moment he steps inside, but he shakes it off a second later and follows Jensen into his home.

They make a short stop in the kitchen, Jensen tossing an icepack from the freezer to him for his face. Jared smiles gratefully, wincing when he holds it against his bruising jaw and cheek. He feels awkward around Jensen, tension thick between them, and he is afraid of saying the wrong thing and having this end before it can even begin.

Jensen clears his throat nervously and motions to the door leading to the backyard. “We can talk privately out there,” he explains by way of explanation.

Jared nods his head in agreement, seemingly unable to find his voice at this particular moment, and neither of them moves for a long moment. They just stare at each other uncomfortably, both shifting anxiously, and then Jensen rolls his eyes and lets out a broken chuckle. He motions for Jared to follow him once more and Jared does so immediately.

 _Please let this mend things between us, or at least be the starting point for us to mending everything that’s broken_ , he prays silently to himself as he steps outside and follows Jensen over to a couple of garden chairs off to the right hand side of the backyard.


	13. Chapter 13

Jared shifts uncomfortably in his chair, feeling on edge and restless, unsure what to do with the silence between him and Jensen. There is so much he wants to say, wants to explain, but he can’t begin to find the words to express himself. He is not entirely sure he should be the one to start this conversation anyway, mostly because he doesn’t know what Jensen really wanted to talk to him about, and Jared certainly doesn’t want to say how much he wants him back if that isn’t what Jensen wants to hear. He hopes one day he will be able to say it and have Jensen believe it, have Jensen _want_ to hear those words, but he doesn’t think today is that day.

Jensen looks at him every so often, looking as though he wants to say something but the words never leave his lips. Jared can imagine this is just as awkward for Jensen though, as it is for him. There is a rift between them now and Jared hates it, hates it with a passion. He has never _not_ known what to say to Jensen, because there was a time when he could tell Jensen everything, but that has changed and Jared worries there is nothing he can do to change it.

They stare at each other for brief periods of time but Jensen can’t seem to keep eye contact and Jared just wants to scream because of how messed up things are between them now. Jensen’s eyes say so much yet not enough at the same time and Jared can’t tell what the other man is thinking. Jared wants to reach across the space between them and grab Jensen’s hand, wants to show him through contact that he still cares and never stopped, he doesn’t think it would be welcome though so he keeps his hands to himself. The last thing he wants is to ruin it like he has done before because he was impatient. Jensen is in control of the situation, he calls the shots, and Jared is determined to be patient this time around.

The silence drags on between the two men for a moment longer and then Jensen’s soft laugh breaks it. Jared drags his eyes over to the man next to him and finds Jensen shaking his head in amusement. Not genuine amusement, not the kind that Jared can join in on, Jensen’s merely laughing disbelievingly at the situation. He obviously doesn’t like the awkwardness between them any more than Jared does, but like Jared, he doesn’t know what to do to change it.

Jensen clears his throat and tosses a glance in Jared’s direction, gesturing to Jared’s bruised face. “Sorry ‘bout Chris, you know what he’s like, I can’t control him when his temper takes over,” Jensen apologies on behalf of his friend, not quite able to meet Jared’s eyes but he’s at least talking to him so Jared considers it a step in the right direction.

“Don’t worry about it, I kind of had it coming,” Jared replies with a choked laugh and a strained smile. “He has kind of wanted to do that for the past two years, I guess you could say it was long overdue.”

“Look, Jared, things have been strained between us, and it hurt to learn that you’re in a relationship with Chad, but that doesn’t mean you deserved to get hit,” Jensen releases a heavy sigh as he says this, wearily running a hand down his face.

Jared doesn’t quite know what to say in response to this, because he has been feeling so low these past few weeks, feeling so guilty, that part of him believes he _did_ deserve to be hit. He also can’t blame Chris because he was just protecting Jensen and Jared can’t blame anyone for doing that. He is glad Jensen has people that care enough to protect him, Jared used to be the one backing Chris up in fact, but now Jared is the one Jensen needs protection from and it is steadily killing him.

Jensen lets out another weary sigh that is like a punch to Jared’s gut and leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees as he stares blindly out in front of him. “Look, I’m not as upset as I was before, okay. I mean, sure I’m upset, but I don’t blame you anymore, not really.”

Jared eyes Jensen carefully, trying to determine how truthful he is. Jensen doesn’t appear to be anything less than honest though but the resignation in his tone is what almost does Jared in. _I never meant to hurt you_ , he thinks in despair but doesn’t speak these words aloud. “You don’t?” Jared asks, unable to keep a touch to disbelief and self-loathing out of his voice. “That makes one of us then, ‘cause I sure as hell am having a hard time not blaming myself.”

“No one expected you to not move on, Jared, least of all me, and I wouldn’t have wanted you to wait, possibly indefinitely,” Jensen admits softly, looking at Jared briefly before turning his eyes away once more. He picks at his cuticles for a moment with intense concentration, biting his lip thoughtfully. “I’ll admit that I want to understand though.”

Jared swallows thickly. “Understand what?”

Jensen licks his lips nervously and lifts his head to gaze fixatedly at the oak tree off to his right. “I want to understand how it happened,” he says after a long moment. “I need to know how you and Chad got together… I… I just need to understand how it happened, ya know?”

Jared nods his head in understanding. This is really the last thing he wants to talk about, knows it won’t be easy, but Jensen deserves to know everything. “I was a mess after your accident, Jen,” he breathes out softly. “I was afraid every day of losing you, afraid to come to the hospital and hear them tell me you had died in the night. Most days I was terrified to leave, didn’t want to leave you there alone. I wanted my face to be the first one you saw when you woke up. But as time went on and you still hadn’t woken up - on top of doctors telling me you never would - it shames me to admit that I lost hope.”

Jensen makes a strangled noise as he shakes his head, sympathy playing in his deep green eyes. “You shouldn’t hold that against yourself, Jay, it makes sense that you would lose hope after a while, it’s only natural. When you don’t have much to hold on to, any hope you may have had starts to fade and no one can blame you for it.”

“On some level I know that, but… I just wish, so badly, that I hadn’t given up. Things would be so different right now if I hadn’t. You and I… we wouldn’t be in this situation right now if I hadn’t lost hope, and I just… I can’t forgive myself for that.”

“You’re gonna have to at some point, Jared,” Jensen whispers, keeping eye contact with Jared for the first time today. “I know it’s not that easy, but you’re gonna have to let it go sometime because it will just eat at you if you don’t.”

Jared tries to smile but it feels strange on his face, broken and foreign. “I’ll try,” he concedes, though he can’t be sure he even believes the words himself.

“So, Chad was there to pick up the pieces, huh?” Jensen asks, voice strained, sounding like he has to literally force himself to say Chad’s name. “He was your shoulder to lean on, the person holding you together?”

“Yeah, he was there when I needed him most,” Jared admits quietly, finding it difficult to talk to Jensen about Chad, seeing as Chad was the catalyst that tore not only their relationship but their friendship to shreds. “He was the one that made sure I ate, made sure I left the hospital to get some rest and then got me out of the house so I wouldn’t seclude myself inside.”

Jensen nods at this, like he already suspected as much, but the expression on his face is carefully neutral. It must pain him to hear Jared talk about Chad, but Jared knows Jensen will put a stop to the conversation the moment it becomes too much to handle so he keeps talking, explaining it the best that he can.

“When I lost any hope I had of you ever waking up, Jen, I… I just wanted to die. I wanted to die along with you, couldn’t bear the thought of living without you. I…” Jared trails off and clears his throat nervously before admitting to the one thing no one other than Chad knows. “I even tried to, uh, tried to kill myself, once.”

Jensen’s head snaps up at this admission and looks at Jared, eyes wide in disbelief and horror. Jared gives Jensen a watery smile, tears brimming in his eyes, and lifts the sleeve on his left arm. Jensen can’t tear his eyes away from the faint scars running the length of Jared’s forearm, mouth hanging open slightly as tears build up and spill down his cheeks. He lifts his hand to cover his mouth, muffling a gasp, and he tears his eyes up to meet Jared’s head-on.

“Living without you wasn’t something I thought I could do, wasn’t strong enough,” Jared explains in a tear choked voice, trembling smile on his face. “What did I have if I didn’t have you? You’re my life, Jen, without you I have nothing. I wasn’t ready to face a world without you in it, didn’t ever want to be ready, and death seemed like the answer.”

Jensen shakes his head in disbelief and closes his eyes for a moment, biting his lip hard. “Oh God, Jay,” he whispers in a wrecked voice and when he opens his eyes heartbreak shines through lucidly. “I had no idea.”

“Chad found me in time though and took me to a doctor he knows that can be trusted to be discreet. I didn’t want my parents to find out so Chad took me to Dr. Higgins,” Jared tells him quietly, guilt wrapping him up tightly as his mind takes him back to that point in time, remembering all the life-sucking despair, guilt and hopelessness he had felt. “Chad stayed with me after that to make sure I didn’t try a second attempt. He threatened to have me committed into rehab and tell my parents if I didn’t get my head straight and realize what I still had in life. He reminded me that you weren’t dead yet and that even if you were you wouldn’t want me doing something like that to myself.”

“He was right,” Jensen says in a firm yet somehow gentle tone of voice. “Damn, Jay, I never would have wanted you to take your own life. Thank God he found you in time.”

“I wasn’t in a good place at that time and I didn’t think I had much to live for,” Jared says, not making light of the situation but not wanting to make a big deal of it either. “What matters is I’m still here.”

Jensen nods his head in agreement and takes a deep breath, lowering his head to stare at his hands. “So you and Chad became closer after that, closer than you were before?”

Jared takes a deep breath as well and lets it out in a slow exhale. “Yeah, he was always around and helped me get my life back on track. He was the one that got me to go back to work, focus my mind on a character rather than spending every waking hour at your bedside.”

Jared stops briefly and looks at the man he loves with all his heart. Jensen merely nods his head and motions for him to continue.

“I know you’re wondering how things changed between us, how we went from being friends to being in a relationship, but to be honest even I don’t know. I can’t tell you the exact moment I started looking at him differently, can’t tell you when I started seeing him as anything other than my best friend. It seemed to happen without me even realizing it, and before I knew it he was asking me out and I was saying yes.” Jared takes a shaky breath once he stops speaking, something akin to guilt squeezing his heart painfully, feeling as though he has betrayed Jensen somehow.

“Those feelings were always there though, weren’t they?” Jensen’s voice is barely audible; like this is one question he is afraid to ask, afraid to know the truth.

Jared wants nothing more than to lie, say that he felt nothing for Chad until two years after the accident that tore their lives apart, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Jensen deserves the truth, he knows it, and lying will get him nowhere good. “Yeah, Jen, I’ve always felt something for Chad. Please believe me when I tell you I didn’t realize it then, not until I started seeing him in a different light. Even if I had realized it, nothing would have come from it either. I was with you and I didn’t want anyone else. I never would have betrayed you that way, and I never would have left you for Chad. It just wouldn’t have happened. I hope you believe that.”

Jensen smiles softly, though it doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s okay, Jay, I know you never would have cheated on me. I trusted you remember? I told you that many times, I even told you the night of the accident, and I didn’t lie to you. It was never about me not trusting you, ‘cause I did.”

“You just didn’t trust Chad,” Jared speaks softly, noticing that Jensen didn’t say he knew Jared wouldn’t leave him for Chad and that worries Jared but he doesn’t comment.

Jensen just nods his head and then looks away, watching the leaves on the trees as they sway in the wind. There is a distinct sadness in his eyes that has Jared’s throat closing up, making him want to reach out to the hurting man. He doesn’t know if it would be welcome however, so he keeps his hands to himself. The silence between them this time around isn’t tense but it is nowhere near as comfortable as it used to be.

 _Will things ever be okay between us again? Can we ever get back to where we were before?_ He honestly doesn’t know if they can, and it hurts more than he ever imagined it could, but the fact that Jensen is even willing to talk to him now gives him a little hope to hold on to. Moving passed this and starting anew won’t be easy, Jared doesn’t expect it to be, but he is determined to do whatever it takes to have Jensen back in his life. He is willing to wait however long it takes, and even if they can never regain the relationship Jared craves like a dying man, well then he is more than willing to settle with friendship. It doesn’t matter in what shape or form, Jared just needs Jensen in his life and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to ensure it.

“I broke off the engagement,” Jared says in a rush of words and immediately wants to hit himself for just blurting it out like that.

Jensen looks at him in surprise, eyebrows nearly disappearing into his hairline as he stares at Jared with his mouth agape. He looks like he wants to say something but the words just won’t come out and Jared sympathizes with him, knowing he just dropped a bomb on the poor man and he doesn’t expect Jensen to know what to say to it.

“Before you say anything you need to know I didn’t do it because I thought it would bring you back to me. I know it won’t be that easy,” Jared rushes to say, needing Jensen to know this.

“Then why did you do it?” Jensen asks, voice coming out high but a little rough at the same time.

“Well, after you woke up, after everything that went down, it made me think about things. I sat down and assessed my life so to speak. I had never really let you go, Jen, and as much as I wanted everyone to believe that I moved on, I never really did. Hell, I tried my damnedest to get myself to believe it.” Jared chuckles softly as he says this and feels his heart swell when it brings a soft smile to Jensen’s face. “But part of me was always waiting for you to come back to me, Jen, even when I lost hope there was still a thin strand holding on for dear life. I was happy with Chad, cared about him, but I wasn’t really _happy_. I had only settled with him, he wasn’t the one I wanted to share my life with, wasn’t the one I thought of when I imagined getting married.”

Jensen frowns briefly, confusion playing in his eyes. “If you didn’t want to marry him, then why did you agree to?”

“I don’t know really,” Jared says with a shake of his head. “The first time he asked me I had told him no, but the second time I just… I dunno, gave in? I guess some part of me thought it was the right thing to do. I had someone who cared, wanted to marry me. He had basically saved my life and… I dunno, maybe I felt a sick sense of obligation, like I owed it to him.” Jared releases a heavy sigh, having a hard time explaining. “I don’t know why I agreed, Jen, all I know is it was a mistake from the very beginning. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, and I don’t expect it to change anything, but you should know I never slept with him. I came up with every excuse I could think of not to, in fact.”

Jensen is silent for a few moments and Jared waits patiently for him to get his thoughts in order, not wanting to push him. He doesn’t know where his admission will get them, he hopes it will help even in the slightest bit, but he isn’t expecting it to fix all the problems between them. He certainly doesn’t expect Jensen to come running back to him but he is hoping it will be a step toward regaining Jensen’s trust, regaining his friendship.

“Despite how I feel about Chad, I really am sorry it didn’t work out,” Jensen tells him softly, sounding genuine. “It hurt to know you were with Chad but I never wanted you to be unhappy. If you were happy with him I would have eventually come to accept it.”

“I would’ve been unhappy if I had _stayed_ with Chad,” Jared admits, his lips twitching up into a brief, small smile. “I didn’t love him, Jen, not the way I was expected to. You’ve always held my heart, and you still do. Marrying him would have been the biggest mistake of my life.”

“I don’t know where you’re expecting this to get us, Jay,” Jensen says after another moment of silence, sounding torn and lost. “Don’t get me wrong, it helps knowing you didn’t give yourself to Chad completely, but… I can’t just forget everything that’s happened, and I’m still pretty lost right now, Jay. My life, everything I knew, is gone or changed in some way and I’m barely rolling with the punches.”

“I can only imagine how hard this is for you, and I’m sorry I contributed to your problems. I never wanted to make things harder on you and I‘m willing to do whatever it takes to make up for it,” Jared rushes to say but shuts his mouth when Jensen smiles and tells him to let him finish.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, I feel like I’ve lost everything. I’m still trying to get my life back on track, and it scares me because I know nothing will be the way that it was.” Jensen closes his eyes and lowers his head, turning away from Jared as a heavy sigh escapes his lips. “After everything that happened between us, after I found out I lost you to Chad, I felt like I had nothing left, and one thing became painfully clear to me, and it’s that I’m too dependent on you.”

Jared is stunned by this, not quite sure how to respond. _He thinks he’s too dependent on me_ , Jared is mystified by this. Jared has always believed that when you’re in a relationship it is natural to be dependent on that person, but despite that he has always seen Jensen as independent and strong.

“I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet again, and I can’t do that if I’m in a relationship with you.” Jensen sounds honestly regretful as he says this and it pains Jared to see the tears shining in those green eyes that he has always loved so much. “I love you, Jay, I always have and always will, but…”

“But you’re not sure you want to be with me anymore,” Jared finishes for him; feeling like his heart is breaking within his chest.

“I’m not too sure on much of anything right now,” Jensen admits regretfully, a sad smile pulling at his lips. “’Cause we’re kidding ourselves if we think our problems started after my accident, we had problems long before that and we can’t pretend they don’t exist anymore. If I considered being with you again I’d need to be assured things wouldn’t go back to the way they were, and right now I can’t be sure they wouldn’t. So, as much as I hate to say it, a relationship is out of the question.”

Jared nods his head reluctantly, disappointed to hear this but he must admit it isn’t unexpected. “Alright, I can’t say I’m not disappointed, ‘cause I really do love you and want you back, but I’ll respect your decision,” he tells Jensen softly but he isn’t quite ready to give up hope just yet. “One question though. When you say it’s out of the question, you don’t mean that indefinitely, do you? There’s a chance we could work things out eventually, right?”

Jensen looks unsure as he stares at Jared, biting his lip with uncertainty in his eyes, so Jared places a hopeful expression on his face, praying it is effective enough that Jensen will at least consider giving them another chance someday. _Whenever he is ready_ , Jared tells himself silently.

“I can’t promise anything, and I don’t want you to get your hopes up,” Jensen finally responds. “But sure, there might a chance we could work things out as long as we can fix the problems between us. I’m not ready to give us another shot though, and I can’t say when or even if I will ever be.”

“That’s okay, I’m willing to wait however long you need me to,” Jared assures him immediately and leaves no doubt that he means every word.

“No, I don’t want you to do that, Jay. I don’t have anything to offer you and the very last thing I want you to do is wait for me when I can’t promise you that you won’t be waiting needlessly,” Jensen tells him firmly, giving him forewarning. “I wouldn’t want that for you, and if you meet someone you could be interested in, I don’t want to be the one holding you back. I told you I wanted you to be happy and I meant it. I don’t want you waiting on something that isn’t a sure thing. Don’t put your life on hold because of me, please don’t do that, Jay.”

“I can’t promise I won’t be waiting, just for the odd chance you may be ready to give us another go, but I can promise to let you go should you decide a relationship with me isn’t what you want.” It kills Jared to say this, because he really doesn’t want to lose Jensen to another, but he can’t deny that he means it.

Jensen smiles softly at this, grateful, if not a little sad. “I guess I couldn’t ask for more than that.”

“So, where does this leave us?” he can’t help himself from asking, needing desperately to know where he stands with Jensen.

“Well I can’t promise you a relationship but I’d like for us to be friends again, if you think that would be possible.” Jensen’s voice is soft with a hint of a smile and Jared knows this was the chance he was hoping for. It isn’t exactly what he was hoping to find when he came here but it’s certainly more than he could ask for.

“I’d like nothing more than to be your friend, Jen,” Jared tells him sincerely, tears of relief shining in his eyes. “I just know I need you in my life and your friendship has always meant the world to me, I don’t ever want to lose it.”

A smile slowly grows on Jensen’s face that Jared is quick to reciprocate and he can’t help but sigh in relief. Things are far from perfect, and they haven’t necessarily fixed all their problems, but he sees it as a step in the right direction. _Just gotta keep thinking positively_ , he tells himself as he and Jensen enjoy the silence between them, which for once isn’t a tense one.


	14. Chapter 14

The first few days back home feels so good Jensen doesn’t even want to leave. He is still limited in what he can do, what his muscles are capable of, and he has regular physical therapy sessions he has to attend, but he is just so glad to be out of the hospital that not even his limitations and painful physical therapy can bring him down.

It is a little strange living in his childhood home again. It has been so long since he has lived with his parents and he has been independent for as long as he can remember, but he settles into his parents’ home like he never left and things fall into a routine.

Most of his days are spent on the living room couch, watching television or visiting with his family. Mackenzie stops by often to visit with him and Jensen is more than happy to spend some time with his sister. As time goes by there are less tears in Mackenzie’s eyes and Jensen is most grateful for that. He just wants everyone to act normal around him, he feels uncomfortable when they all start crying, but thankfully everyone seems to be adjusting to the fact that he is actually going to be okay.

Chris and Steve are still staying here with Jensen, refusing to leave his side. He is grateful to have them around and it is nice to know they care so much. They don’t make him feel like he has spent the last four years of his life in a coma. They don’t bring the subject up, don’t even act like he _was_ in a coma, and he couldn’t be more grateful for that normalcy. They still generally tease him and some nights they will sit outside on the back porch and play their guitars. It is all just rather laid back and normal and Jensen knows that is what he needs right now.

He has done his best to keep his mind occupied with all sorts of things to keep thoughts of Jared away but the shaggy haired man somehow creeps into his mind anyway. He still isn’t sure what he wants from Jared but he meant what he told him in the backyard that day. He isn’t ready to let Jared in again, doesn’t want to be that vulnerable again, and he really does need to find himself. He needs to be independent again, like he was before he got with Jared.

God help him, he’s still very much in love with Jared, those kind of feelings don’t just go away over night, but he also knows he can’t be with Jared. Too much has happened, past and present, for him to just get back into a relationship with Jared without having doubts. In the past he always wondered where he stood in Jared’s life and that hasn’t changed. He knows Jared loves him, that much is obvious, but Jensen can’t help feeling that he loves Jared more than Jared loves him. He has always felt that way and he doesn’t want to anymore.

The more he thinks back on that conversation in the backyard though, the more he realizes how much he does want Jared in his life. He can’t give Jared what he wants, can’t put himself in that position again, but he does miss the man’s friendship and if he can salvage that out of this whole mess then Jensen can be happy. Despite everything that has happened, he misses Jared, misses his friendship, and he doesn’t want to give it up.

He knows it probably won’t be easy given their history and the remaining feelings for each other, but if there is a possibility of them being friends again he wants to give it a try.

Growling in frustration, tired of his thoughts running around in circles and getting nowhere, he pulls himself up from the couch and heads into the kitchen. Steve looks up from his seat at the table and watches as Jensen picks up the cordless phone from its cradle on the kitchen counter.

“Who you calling?” he asks around a mouthful of turkey sandwich.

Jensen gives him a disgusted look before answering. “I’m tired of sitting around here; I can’t do it much longer without going insane, so I’m calling Brad to see if he wants to go get a coffee or something.”

Steve’s lips slowly curve up into a sly grin as he regards Jensen with calculating eyes. “Brad, huh?” he says with that damn grin on his face and Jensen looks at him carefully, knowing there is something going on in that head of his friend’s, wondering what his friend is up to now but not sure he wants to know. “You guys have become pretty close, haven’t ya?”

Jensen’s forehead creases in confusion, not especially liking the tone of voice Steve is using or the look on his face. “Yeah I guess we have. Where are you going with this?” he asks suspiciously.

“Don’t tell me you’re that blind, Jen. That boy is so obviously crushing on you it’s funny, especially since you don’t seem to see it. He smiles nonstop whenever you’re in the room and he can’t keep his eyes off ya. The dude’s got it bad,” Steve laughs as he says this, giving Jensen a little wink. “And you wanna know something else I‘ve noticed?”

“Not really but I know you and you’re just gonna tell me anyway,” Jensen mumbles as he leans back against the counter and gives his friend a guarded look, crossing his arms over his chest and biting his inner cheek.

“Whenever he comes over, whatever mood you were in before, you brighten up like Christmas came early. You blush like a virgin whenever he compliments you, hell, you blush even when he just smiles at you,” Steve lets out a little chuckle as he says this. “Face it, dude, you’re crushing on your ex-nurse.”

Jensen’s eyes widen and denial is on the tip of his tongue. He doesn’t think of Brad that way, he doesn’t, he is sure of it. They are just friends, they enjoy each others company, it doesn’t go any further beyond that. _At least, I don’t think it does_ , he thinks despairingly. He can’t be sure how far his feelings run as far as Brad is concerned, never having let himself think about it before. He will admit he likes having Brad around, and Jensen can’t deny that he is pretty easy on the eyes as well, but he never thought of him as anything but his friend.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jensen finally says after a moment of consideration. “We’re just friends, nothing more.”

“Sure, you’re just friends now, but you want to be more,” Steve responds, unwilling to let the subject go that easily. “I know you, Jen, and I can tell when you like a guy. I know all the signs, and you are definitely crushing on Brad… even if you don’t think so, yet.”

Jensen doesn’t know how to respond to this, and he is more than a little irked because now that Steve has pointed this out, Jensen can’t help but inspect his feelings a little closer. The last thing he wants to consider is having growing feelings for his new friend, he has enough going on in his life as it is. But now, thanks to Steve, this will be all he can think about. Just the thought of calling Brad now makes his heart rate increase and he can feel butterflies fluttering around in his stomach.

“I hate you,” Jensen mutters as he stalks away from his smirking friend and quickly dials Brad’s number, trying to calm his racing heart and hoping his sudden nerves aren’t detectable in his voice.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Walking side by side, Jensen and Brad enter the local Starbucks and Brad tells him to pick out a table while he orders their drinks. Jensen chooses a table in the corner of the coffee house that offers a bit more privacy and takes a seat. While waiting for Brad he stares out the window and watches the people outside. For once he is starting to feel like one of them again and it feels really good. When he was stuck in that hospital room he had felt isolated from the rest of the world and that feeling can easily lead a person to depression.

Things are starting to look up in his life though, and he couldn’t be happier. Of course, it is far from perfect, but it’s better than it was and Jensen considers that to be an improvement. He is no longer confined to a hospital room, he is at home now where he is comfortable and can go outside whenever he feels a little suffocated. He doesn’t get out of the house as much as he would like, just to go to his physical therapy sessions, but that is better than nothing.

Not to mention he and Jared are on talking terms now and are going to try to be friends. Jensen hasn’t exactly called Jared since that day Jared came over to his house but Jensen plans to give him a call soon. He still can feel the tension between them, and he doesn’t exactly know how to act around Jared anymore, but things are never going to get better if Jensen doesn’t make the effort.

 _Chris and Steve are having a show later this week, maybe I should give Jared a call and invite him_ , he thinks to himself with a decisive nod of his head. _If what my mom told me is true and Sandy is in town right now, then she could come along. Might make things less awkward with her there. I could invite Brad too._

Feeling more comfortable with the idea of inviting Sandy and Brad, so he and Jared aren’t alone together where it can get awkward, he decides to give Jared a call tomorrow and see if he is onboard with this idea.

He is startled from his thoughts when a coffee cup is placed in front of him and Brad takes a seat across from him, smiling softly. Jensen smiles in response as he takes a cautious sip of his coffee to make sure it isn’t too hot.

“Your head was pretty far in the clouds there, you had a very distant look on your face when I walked up,” Brad says softly as he looks at Jensen with searching eyes, concern within his deep blue depths. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jensen smiles reassuringly. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately and nothing but time to dwell on it. I think I would have gone crazy if I had to stay inside much longer, thanks for agreeing to rescue me.”

Brad laughs softly at this and shakes his head a little. “It was my pleasure, I was glad you called. I don’t get a whole lot of time to go out like this, I was starting to forget what it was like,” he jokes lightly. “Whenever you want to get out of the house though, feel free to give me a call. I’m always grateful for the company.”

“I’ll be sure to remember that,” Jensen responds as he gets more comfortable, crossing his arms on the table and leaning his weight on them. “So listen, I was wondering, what are you doing two nights from now?”

“I work until five but after that my night is free,” Brad replies with a curious expression on his face. “Why, what do you have in mind?”

“Well a couple of my friends are in a band, Chris and Steve, and they have a show that night. I was wondering if you’d like to come and check them out,” Jensen says, feeling oddly nervous that Brad will say no. _I’m being ridiculous, it’s not like I’m asking him out on a date or something_ , he tells himself reproachfully. “I promise you’ll have a good time.”

“No need to convince me any further, you’ve already sold me on the idea,” Brad tells him with a smile, sincere excitement in his voice. “It sounds like a lot of fun, so count me in.”

Jensen grins at this and relaxes once more, unable to keep the smile off his face no matter how much he tells himself that he’s being an idiot. He doesn’t know where these strange feelings are coming from and he doesn’t want to examine them. Of course that is a bit hard to do when his stomach fills with butterflies every time Brad smiles at him and there’s an anxious feeling in his limbs from just being with the dark haired man.

 _Oh God, maybe Steve is right_ , he acknowledges as his eyes widen in disbelief. It has been a long time since Jensen has had a crush on someone but he knows the signs and he is pretty positive that is what’s happening here. He doesn’t know when it started, and he definitely isn’t sure it’s a good thing, but he can’t deny it anymore when there’s proof staring him right in the face. He has a crush on Brad, and as much as it scares him and no matter how much he thinks this is the worst possibly timing, he also kind of likes it.

He kind of likes the anxious feeling he gets whenever Brad is around, and the way his heart races whenever they lock eyes. He is also starting to think Steve was right when he said Brad had a crush on him because the guy blushes and looks away when their eyes lock for a long length of time. Not to mention the joy Jensen finds in Brad’s blue irises and the way he gives Jensen his full attention when they talk, a soft look on his face and a warm smile pulling at his lips.

Jensen can’t deny he likes the thought of the dark haired man having feelings for him. He still isn’t sure this is a good thing, considering all he has been through lately, his remaining feelings for Jared, and the fact that he doesn’t want to do anything to screw up his friendship with Brad. But it feels nice to have someone look at him the way that Brad is now. It feels nice to see attraction in someone’s eyes and know it is because of him.

He can’t remember the last time someone looked at him like he was the only person in the room, like he is someone worthy of being adored and given their sole and undivided attention. He had forgotten how good it could feel and he doesn’t want it to stop.

He startles out of his thoughts for the second time today when Brad snaps his fingers in front of his face and Jensen can’t stop himself from jerking back in surprise. Brad’s lips turn upwards in an amused grin and Jensen turns his face away when he feels heat filling his cheeks.

“Wow, you really are distracted today,” Brad laughs and Jensen feels his cheeks getting hotter.

“Yeah, sorry about that, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Jensen gives him a weak smile before clearing his throat and suggesting they walk around for a bit.

Brad nods his head in agreement and follows Jensen out of the building. Jensen sighs once the warm sunshine hits his skin and slowly walks down the sidewalk lining the row of shops, Brad falling into step beside him. Silence is shared between the two men for a few long minutes, neither knowing how to break it or if they even want to. The air is comfortable between them and Jensen is surprised by how relaxed he gets in Brad’s company. It usually takes him a while to get passed his shy nature and let someone new in. Brad is just an easy person to get along with though and you almost instantly feel comfortable around him.

“So, have you decided yet what you want to do with your life?” Brad is the one to break the silence between them, sounding genuinely curious. “I know you were undecided the last time we talked about it.”

“I still pretty much am,” Jensen says with a grim smile. “Can I tell you something I haven’t told anyone yet?”

Brad nods. “Of course you can.”

“I got a call yesterday from Eric. He’s the producer of Supernatural, the show I was on,” Jensen clarifies.

“Oh yeah, what’d he want?”

“He wants me to work for him one last time, finish telling the Winchester’s story,” Jensen says as a sigh escapes his lips. “He said he couldn’t get the network to pick up the series again but he found someone willing to help him with a movie.”

“Oh wow! That’s awesome, Jen,” Brad tells him with more enthusiasm than Jensen is currently feeling. “What did you tell him?”

“That I needed time to think about it,” Jensen responds, looking down at the ground as he walks. “He said he’d give me all the time I need, seeing as I need to fully recover still anyway. He really wants me onboard with this though and I can tell it really means a lot to him.”

“But you’re not sure if you want to do it?” Brad asks with a frown.

“To be completely honest, I think I might like to. I mean, I loved working on Supernatural, and I hate that the show ended so abruptly. Things are still tense between me and Jared though, and I’m afraid it’d be too much trying to work with him again,” Jensen admits honestly. “But, then again, we’re trying to be friends now. So by the time we start filming the movie, maybe things won’t be so awkward.”

“The choice is yours, but this sounds like something you really want to do. You might come to regret it if you turn it down,” Brad tells him. “You have time to think about it though; you don’t need to make a decision yet.”

Jensen nods his head, “Yeah, you’re right.”

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
The ride back to his parents’ house is done in silence, though the radio plays low, and by the time they reach their destination Jensen finds himself reluctant to get out of the car. He is not quite ready for the day to end, he has truly been enjoying himself, but he knows he has no choice.

He turns in the passenger seat to smile at Brad. “Thanks for today. I had a lot of fun.”

Brad nods his head. “We should do it again sometime,” he says softly, looking at Jensen with warmth in his eyes.

Jensen can’t say which of them moves first, could be him, could be Brad, or it could be both of them at the same time. That really isn’t important though, because one minute they’re staring at each other and the next Brad has his hand on the back of Jensen’s neck and they are kissing tentatively, learning each other’s mouths slowly but thoroughly.

Jensen shuts his brain off the moment their lips touch, not wanting to give it too much thought because he might find a reason they shouldn’t be doing this and put a stop to it before it can even really begin.

Brad’s lips are softer than Jensen thought they would be and he certainly knows how to use them. It feels strange kissing someone that isn’t Jared, strange kissing a pair of lips that he has to learn instead of already knowing like they were his own. There is something thrilling about it though and Jensen finds himself falling into it.

Brad pulls away abruptly, causing Jensen to pitch forward. He puts his hand against the seat to keep from falling into Brad’s lap and looks up to find the man looking at him with wide eyes. It would probably be pretty funny if the guy didn’t look so freaked out.

“Oh God, I’m sorry! I don’t know why I did that, I shouldn’t have, and I swear it’ll never happen again. I know we’re just friends, I never meant to cross any lines in our friendship. I’m so sorry, please don’t be mad at me,” Brad rambles as he backs away from Jensen, or at least as far as the confining car will allow.

“Brad, really, it’s okay,” Jensen reassures him in a soothing voice. “I… well, I actually kinda wanted you to.”

Brad stops his rambling and stares at Jensen in dawning comprehension. “Wait… you… I didn’t…” Brad stops, takes a deep breath, and then smiles tentatively. “Really?”

Jensen smiles a bit shyly this time around and gives a short nod of his head. “Yeah I did,” he admits softly. “I mean, I don’t really know what I’m doing here, and I’m not sure I’m ready for… well, whatever this means.” he gestures between them. “But I know I don’t regret kissing you, it felt… nice.”

“I’d wanted to do that for a while now, but I know you’ve been through a tough time and I didn’t want to do anything that might upset or put any more pressure on you. And I know you’re still dealing with the situation with Jared, I just want you to know I’m not expecting anything from you,” Brad tells him in a rushed tone, trying to say all he needs to but obviously very nervous. “But I really like you Jensen, I’ve never met anyone like you, and while I know you’re probably not ready to be in another relationship with anyone, I would really like it if you gave me a chance.”

Jensen bites his lip briefly, not sure how to respond to this. He will admit he likes Brad, is attracted to him, but he really isn’t sure if this is a good idea. He really doesn’t want to hurt the guy should he realize that this is something he can’t do. He doesn’t want Brad to get his hopes up and he doesn’t want to lead him on in any way.

“I don’t know Brad, as nice as that sounds, I’m just not sure I’m ready to be in a relationship. My head is all over the place right now, I’m still getting over Jared, and I don’t want to do anything that might hurt you,” Jensen tells him regretfully but honestly. “I really like having you as my friend and I don’t want to do anything that could potentially jeopardize that.”

“Then maybe we could just go on a couple of dates, feel it out, see if this is something worth giving a chance,” Brad suggests, looking so damn hopeful it tugs at Jensen’s heart. “Have dinner with me tomorrow night, nothing fancy, just dinner at my place. We don’t have to commit to anything, just a date, and if we think this is something we’d like to pursue we’ll take it slow.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything for a long moment, just looks at Brad doubtfully. _I’m still not sure this is a good idea_ , he thinks warily. But, then again, what could one date hurt?

“Alright,” Jensen says when he sees Brad’s shoulders start to slump.

Brad brightens up immediately at these words though, a hopeful smile growing on his face. “Really?” he asks quietly, like he’s afraid he didn’t hear Jensen clearly.

“Yeah, I’ll have dinner with you.” Jensen says with a nod his head and a soft smile. “But I can’t promise anything beyond that.”

“I couldn’t ask for anything more than that,” Brad responds with a grin.


	15. Chapter 15

Jensen inspects himself in the mirror, nervous anticipation coursing through his veins as he frowns at his reflection. This is the first date he has been on in years and he’s a little nervous about it. He has already tried on three different outfits, not satisfied with any of them, and the one he is wearing now isn’t passing his judgment either. He feels like a teenager again, going on his first date and worried that he doesn’t look good enough, that none of his clothes look right on him.

He knows it shouldn’t really matter, he isn’t sure this thing will even see the light of day past this night, and to be honest he isn’t expecting it to. Don’t get him wrong, Brad is a really nice guy, and under different circumstances Jensen would jump at the chance to date him. But the truth is Jensen isn’t sure he is ready to be dating again. He truly likes Brad, and can say with complete honesty that he finds him attractive, but going out on this date just feels… wrong somehow, like he is betraying Jared in a way.

 _I’m being ridiculous_ , he tells himself but he doesn’t completely believe it. It isn’t like he is being unfaithful, they are no longer together after all, but Jensen can’t stop thinking about that conversation they had in the backyard. Jared had looked so hopeful, repeatedly said he would give Jensen all the time that he needed and that he would wait however long Jensen needed him to. Jensen can’t help feeling like a jerk for going on a date when Jared is still holding onto hope for them getting back together someday.

He knows he has every right to go on a date, has a right to move on with his life, just as Jared did, but he still can’t shake the feeling that he is doing something wrong. It is most frustrating and he just knows he won’t be able to push it into the back of his mind long enough to enjoy tonight, which is the whole point of going on a date in the first place, or at least it should be.

Jensen moves away from the mirror and sits down heavily on the edge of his bed, dropping his head into his hands. He lets out a silent sigh and shakes his head a little, feeling so damn confused right now that he doesn’t know what he should do. He really wants to go on this date, would feel bad if he backed out at the last minute, but he keeps imagining the disappointed look that would sure to be on Jared’s face were he to know that Jensen was going on a date.

 _I’m not doing anything wrong_ , he tells himself almost desperately but still he doesn’t completely believe it.

He looks up sharply when he feels the bed dip, looking at Chris with wide eyes, shocked that he didn’t hear the man enter the room. Chris looks at him searchingly, concern in his eyes but also dawning understanding. Say what you will about Christian Kane, but the guy is able to read Jensen like a book and is usually the first person able to tell that there’s something wrong. He is usually pretty good at figuring out what it is too, and Jensen gets the feeling that he knows what is going on in his mind right now.

“You alright, Jen?” He asks softly, they both know that he already knows exactly what is wrong but he’s giving Jensen the chance to admit it on his own.

After a long moment of silence Jensen finally asks, “Am I making a mistake?”

“Does it feel like you are?”

Jensen bites his lip thoughtfully before nodding his head. “Yes,” he admits softly, looking into Chris’ eyes with a helpless expression on his face. “I don’t really know what I’m doing, I’m not even sure I’m ready to start dating again, and I can’t help… it just feels wrong, ya know? I feel like I’m doing something wrong, even though I know I’m not… or at least I don’t think I am.”

Chris is quiet for a moment, gathering his thoughts so he can put them into words, and then he turns to Jensen with a serious expression on his face. “I’m still upset with Jared; I want to kick his ass for what he did to you, or at least how he went about things. But that aside, I know you, Jen, and I know you’re going crazy without him. Despite everything, you love that idiot, and you’re just torturing yourself by distancing yourself from him.”

Jensen absorbs these words, knowing they speak the truth and it makes him wonder just what the hell he is doing. _Why am I doing this to myself, to him?_ he questions silently, lost and so very confused. He does miss Jared, misses him more and more each day, but he refuses to do anything about it. Really, why would he torture himself this way? Especially when he knows Jared wants him back. It just boggles the mind.

“Since you love him _that_ much, Jen, don’t you think you should try to forgive him? He made some mistakes, bad choices, but everyone deserves a second chance,” Chris says, his voice uncharacteristically soft and patient. “I can tell you want to give him another chance, son, you just need to realize it now.”

“I just… I’ll think it over okay? I just need some time to get my head straight and my thoughts in order before I decide what to do as far as Jared is concerned,” Jensen says softly, unable to offer anything more than this. He is still a little afraid to take Jared back, afraid everything will just go back to the way it was, but he is miserable right now without Jared, so really, how can his current situation be any better?

“Whatever you choose to do I’ll back you one hundred percent, I just hate seeing you so miserable. All we want is for you to be happy, and if Jared makes you happy then maybe you should stop fighting it. Maybe you should go back to him, if that’s where you feel you belong,” Chris advices softly, not pushing just trying to help, and then he leaves the room.

Jensen sits there on the end of his bed in silence as Chris quietly shuts the door behind him, leaving him alone to his thoughts and wondering where he should go from here.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Jensen is honestly relieved when they reach Brad’s house and he finds a box of pizza waiting for them on the table along with a movie. He had been a little worried that Brad would go all out and try to impress him tonight and that was really the last thing Jensen wanted him to do. He still hasn’t quite figured out what he is going to do about Brad, whether this thing (whatever it is) will see the light of day. He doesn’t want to give the man any false hope because Jensen knows he can’t really commit to anything right now, not with his head as mixed up as it is.

Brad is a really nice guy though, and under different circumstances Jensen would be jumping at the chance to date him, but at this point he can’t really promise anything. The one thing he is sure about though is that at the end of the day he wants to be Brad’s friend more than anything, he really doesn’t want to do anything that might screw that up.

“This looks really nice,” Jensen manages to say with complete honesty, a small smile playing on his lips as he turns to face the man next to him.

“Well I know you’re still very unsure about everything, and I didn’t want to come on too strong, so I figured you’d appreciate some pizza and a movie more than anything else,” Brad replies kindly as he guides Jensen to the couch with a hand on his lower back. He opens the box of sausage and cheese pizza, each grabbing out a slice and placing it on his own plate. “And I just want to reassure you that even though you’ve agreed to go on this little date with me, there are no expectations. I won’t be upset if you don’t want this to go anywhere beyond tonight, I’m more than happy with being just friends… no pressure, okay?”

Jensen smiles, feeling himself relax marginally at this reassurance and quietly tells himself he is making too big of deal out of this. Dates are supposed to be fun and exciting, he wants to enjoy the night and not worry about where it is expected to go from there. He has always been a worrier, everyone knows it, but he doesn’t want to be tonight. He wants to just sit back, relax, and see how everything plays out.

Brad asks if he’d like a beer and Jensen quickly nods his head. It has been a while since he’s had a beer, his mom has been her overprotective self and thought even a lone beer would somehow harm him. This annoyed him just as much as it warmed him to know how much she cares. But a beer sounds good right now and he certainly isn’t going to turn one down. It might help him relax a little as well, and that would be most welcome at the moment.

The dark haired man disappears into the kitchen and returns seconds later with two cold beers in hand. He reclaims his seat next to Jensen, handing him one of the MGD’s, and asks if he should put the movie in now. Jensen just nods his head for an answer and watches as Brad pops the DVD into the player, some Jason Statham movie.

It is strange to see how much he has missed out on, all the music out now and the various movies, the television shows that are no longer on the air. There is so much for him to get caught up on but at times it feels like he never will. It is the simple things like that, that remind Jensen of the fact that he has been in a coma for the last four years, things have changed, he has missed out on things he can never get back no matter how badly he wants to.

He has missed out on four years of his life and he can’t help feeling as though he is stuck in the past, being forced to move forward in a life he doesn’t know and hasn’t yet figured out if he wants to. He can’t get back those four years though, he knows that with painstaking clarity, and all he can do now is make the best out of what he has.

Jensen tries to think positively about his situation though. He has been given a second chance at life, a chance to start fresh and live his life a little differently from how he was before. Meeting Brad is one of the up sides of this whole ordeal, and even though there are times he feels sorry for himself and is lost in self pity, he is glad to have met the man and made a new friend.

Things may not be perfect but they could be a hell of a lot worse and he holds onto that, it helps him to accept things for how they are now and to just be thankful he is still alive and fully functional.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
They are halfway into the movie, pizza long since eaten, when Brad shifts closer to him on the couch. Jensen’s pulse kicks up a notch, nerves wrecking havoc on his stomach, but he tries to breathe evenly and calm himself down. They sit like that for a few moments, neither making any moves, and just as Jensen is concentrating on the movie once more Brad’s arm wraps around his shoulders, gently tucking Jensen into his side.

Despite not knowing if this is really what he wants from Brad, Jensen can’t deny that it feels good, to have someone holding him close while sitting on the couch watching a movie. It is such a first date thing to do that it brings a soft, pleased smile to Jensen’s face. It’s been a long time since he has done this that he almost forgot how good it could feel, the excitement of a first date and of feeling someone new holding onto you.

He and Jared were like this at the start of their relationship, wrapped up in each other’s arms even when they were simply watching TV, just needing to feel close to another. That slowly stopped happening toward the end of their relationship, they’d sit close on the couch but Jared’s arm never wrapped around his shoulders or vice versa. That need to feel one another simply wasn’t there anymore, or at least it didn’t seem to be for Jared. Maybe that was a progression of their relationship, a natural order of things, Jensen isn’t too sure. He has never had a relationship that lasted as long as his and Jared’s, so he can’t be sure what happens after the first stage, but he can’t help thinking it felt wrong.

Point is though, is that Jensen likes Brad’s arm around him so he makes no action to remove it. He relaxes into Brad’s loose embrace, leaning into him, even though he tells himself not to. He can’t help enjoying it though, more than he truly wants to.

The movie is quickly forgotten the minute he feels the weight of Brad’s stare on him and he finds it too difficult to ignore, difficult to focus on anything else. He now has one of two choices, either keep his eyes on the television and hope the guy eventually gets the hint or lift his face to Brad’s and stop agonizing over this.

It only takes him a moment of contemplation before he makes a decision, shifting his body sideways on the couch to face the man next to him while lifting a hand to the side of Brad’s face and drawing his mouth down to his own. Brad seems surprised at first but obviously pleased as he kisses Jensen back eagerly.

Brad’s lips are soft against his own and he sure knows how to use them, easily drawing a moan from Jensen’s throat. He clears his mind of all thoughts as his hand slides around the back of Brad’s neck and opens his mouth to the other man, silently inviting him inside.

Jensen can’t keep a soft moan inside when Brad’s left hand snakes beneath his shirt, caressing the soft skin of his back with skillful fingers. His body trembles slightly at the light tickling sensation but it feels nice and he doesn’t want it to stop. Jensen’s hand slides away from Brad’s neck, into his soft black hair and deepens the kiss, dominating the other man’s mouth.

When he feels a light pressure against his chest he allows himself to be pushed down onto his back, Brad crawling over him, settling himself between Jensen’s spread legs. They trade lazy kisses from there, Brad careful not to rush things too quickly, letting Jensen set the pace. Jensen is grateful for this but he will admit he likes when his partner takes control… or he always did with Jared anyway.

 _So not the time to be thinking about him_ , Jensen tells himself with a mental eye roll but now that the shaggy haired man has entered his thoughts Jensen can’t seem to get rid of him. Brad is doing this amazing thing with his tongue and all Jensen can think about is Jared. It is downright frustrating and Jensen can’t help but hate himself a little because of it.

Brad pulls back long enough to look him in the eye and fingers one of the buttons on Jensen’s shirt, silently asking for permission. Jensen does his best to push Jared out of his mind as he takes a deep, calming breath before giving a slight nod of his head and soft, nervous “Yeah, okay”. Brad gives him a reassuring smile as he slowly begins unbuttoning his shirt, his eyes telling Jensen that he will stop at any time if he wants him to. He sucks in a gasp when Brad’s finger grazes his right nipple and blushes under the smile Brad gives him for it.

Jensen can’t help but shiver slightly when Brad finally gets his shirt unbuttoned and slowly pulls the fabric away from his chest, sliding his hands up Jensen’s sides. Brad then reclaims Jensen’s lips, gently biting down on the bottom one, and he can’t stop a groan from escaping him when Brad’s fingers find his nipple once more. His nipples have always been sensitive and the attention being paid to them has him hardening in his jeans.

The things Brad is doing and the steady friction between their bodies feels extremely good but Jensen hates himself right now for starting something he can’t finish, for allowing it to get this far when he knows without a doubt he has to put a stop to it. He can’t stop thinking about Jared and what Chris said to him before he left.

Jensen has been thinking things over for quite some time now, unsure what he truly wants, but being here with Brad, right at this moment everything seems a little clearer. Being here with Brad has felt like the wrong choice ever since he told the man ‘okay’ and that feeling has only gotten stronger.

He has been in a coma for the past _four years_ and he has missed out on so much, missed out on four years he was meant to spend with Jared. And while he can’t just forget how much Jared has hurt him, that is going to take some time, the thought of missing out on any more time with Jared leaves an ache so painful it nearly steals his breath.

 _What the hell do I think I‘m doing?_ he asks in silence, deep frustration welling up inside him.

Jensen’s lips slowly slide away from Brad’s as he turns his head to the side, staring off into the kitchen as his body becomes rigid. Brad stills above him and slowly lets out a sigh as he moves away, giving Jensen room to sit up and put some space between them. Jensen quickly buttons his shirt back up and avoids Brad’s eyes, shame crashing through his system.

“You want me to take you home, don’t you?” Brad whispers softly, looking dejected but understanding.

Jensen bites his bottom lip so hard he nearly breaking the skin as he finally raises his emerald eyes to meet ocean blue…


	16. Chapter 16

“Jared, you’re gonna wear a hole into the carpet pretty soon if you don’t stop your pacing,” Sandy tells him in an irritated tone but he can hear the concern underneath.

Jared immediately stops his pacing, knowing it isn’t helping anyway, and he drops down onto the patio chair with a heavy sigh. It has been days, maybe even a couple of weeks since he last spoke to Jensen, out in the backyard of his parents’ house. He knows he is probably being a bit dramatic but it feels like it has been weeks since he last spoke to Jensen and it is driving him crazy. Jared has never been known for being patient, at least not for too long, and playing the waiting game has him a little on edge.

There is no one he wants to be with more than Jensen, no one he has ever loved as much, and not being able to be with him hurts more than Jared has told anyone. He knows he messed up with Jensen, he didn't treat Jen the way he should have and getting engaged to Chad was the worst possible thing he could have done, he knows that tore Jensen's heart out and he can't help hating himself a little for it. But if Jensen would only just give him a second chance Jared would prove to him that he loves him, that he has made many mistakes but he realizes it and will own up to them.

He won't make the same mistakes twice, this time around he will do right by Jensen, will show him how much he loves him and will put Jensen before everything and everyone else. But to prove this he needs Jensen to call him, to be willing to give them another shot. He knows Jensen is scared though, and he doesn't blame him. He can't be sure Jensen will ever want to try again, might never want their relationship back, and the mere thought has tears gathering in Jared's eyes.

 _If I lose him for good I will never forgive myself_ , he tells himself deprecatingly. That is all he really does these days, puts himself down and basically hates himself for choices he has made before and after Jensen's accident. He has had a lot of time to sit and reflect on everything and he understands now why Jensen felt the way that he did back before the accident. He can see how Chad acted around him, can see how he responded to his friend, the many times he put his best friend before his boyfriend and it makes him sick. _No wonder Jen is so hesitant to take me back._

"You've gotta stop doing this to yourself," Sandy says with a heavy sigh as she takes a seat next to him, pulling her feet beneath her as she nurses a hot cup of cocoa.

"Doing what?" Jared asks needlessly, they both know exactly what she is talking about.

"You need to stop beating yourself up over this, Jay," she says gently with a shake of her head. "You've made some mistakes, that's true, but you can't change what you've done... all you can do is try to make up for it."

"I know I can't change anything and I would like to make it up to Jen but he's just... I don't know, I might already be too late, San. I'm really beginning to think he doesn't want me back, I've hurt him too much and he's afraid I'm just going to keep doing it. I _know_ things will be different this time, I'm not going to hurt him like I did before, but how can I make him believe that?" Jared is a bit ashamed of the hopelessness in his voice but the situation does feel pretty hopeless to him and he can never keep his mask on around Sandy, never has been able to.

"This is going to take time, Jared, things aren't just going to fix themselves over night," Sandy tells him with a sigh, reaching across the table to squeeze Jared's forearm soothingly. "I know you love him, Jay, and I know you want him back, but you can't force this. You need to give him time, let him come to you when he is ready. There's not a doubt in my mind that Jensen loves you, I really don't think he is leaving you for good, you'll be back together when the time is right, but right now he needs this time to figure things out. When he is ready to take you back, and only when he is ready, then you will need to work on regaining his trust. This is a delicate situation though, Jay, you need to be patient and let him call the shots."

Jared is silent for a moment, letting her words sink in and telling himself that she is right. Driving himself crazy won't get Jensen back in his arms any faster, Jared needs to take a step back and give him the space he wants, and just be Jensen's friend because that is better than nothing. He really hopes Jensen comes back to him someday, because he doesn't think he will ever stop wanting more from the green eyed man, but he knows friendship is more than he could ever hope for.

"You're right," he finally says, managing to give Sandy a tiny smile. "I guess I should be thankful he's willing to be my friend, that's more than I had before... the fact that he's willing to talk to me now is a step in the right direction."

Before Sandy has a chance to respond Jared's cell phone breaks the stillness between them, vibrating loudly against the table. Jared's eyes widen, hope flaring in his chest like every time his phone has rang, and he quickly presses the talk button when he finds Jensen's name displayed on the screen. He takes a breath to compose himself, not wanting it to seem like he was waiting around by the phone, and then hits the talk button after letting it ring a couple of times.

"Hey, Jensen," he manages to say cooly though anyone would be able to detect the smile in his voice, most of all Jensen. "I'm glad you called."

Jensen clears his throat before speaking. "Yeah, I've been meaning to call you but..." he trails off into uncomfortable silence but he doesn't need to finish that sentence, Jared already knows what he was going to say.

"That's alright, Jen, I understand, I'm just glad you called me at all," Jared says reassuringly, joy flowing through his veins. "How are you? Everything okay?"

"I'm fine, doing real good actually. There's a reason I'm calling though."

"Oh yeah?" Jared asks, intrigue and hope coloring his tone. "What might that be?"

Down the line Jared can hear Jensen take a breath before letting it out slowly. "Chris and Steve have a show tonight and I was just wondering if you and Sandy might want to meet up there?"

Jared nods his head immediately, enthusiastically, before realizing Jensen can't see him. "Yeah that sounds fun, it's been a while since I've seen one of their shows. Where are they playing and what time should we show up?"

"Their set starts at eight o'clock at Tom's Bar, you remember that place right?" Jensen asks and Jared hums in agreement. "You want to meet up there at seven-thirty? That way we can all hang out for a little while beforehand."

"Yeah that sounds good, we'll be there," Jared responds, unable to hide the excitment and hope in his voice. He knows this may not mean anything, Jensen could just be asking him out in the friendly sense, but Jensen actually _called_ him and for Jared that is a good sign.

They say a swift goodbye and Jared hangs up the phone with a smile stretching wide across his face. Sandy is watching him with raised eyebrows, clearly wanting to know what happened, but Jared can't seem to find his voice at the moment. He is still reeling from this newest developement, has been encouraged by Jensen's phone call because no matter what it may mean for them, it can only lead somewhere positive.

"So? Obviously that call was a good one otherwise you wouldn't be wearing that ridiculous grin," she says with a soft chuckle, curiosity clear in her chocolate brown eyes. "Well, are you going to tell me what he said or do I have to guess?"

"He invited us to Kane's show tonight, down at Tom's Bar," Jared tells her with a wide grin that he knows looks ridiculous but he can't bring himself to care.

Sandy looks back at him with a concerned but soft smile, he knows she doesn't want him to get his hopes up but he can't seem to help it. This is the most he has gotten from Jensen since the day they spoke in the backyard of Jensen's parents house, and that conversation hadn't exactly been all that encouraging as far as their relationship is concerned. Jensen is willing to be his friend though, and this latest phone call proved it... how can Jared not be happy right now?

"Well, in that case, I guess we better go get ready for a night out," Sandy says, withholding any concerns she say have and Jared is thankful to her for that.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
They arrive at Tom's Bar a minute or two after seven-thirty and the place is already packed with people. This doesn't surprise either of them though because this place has always been known for drawing crowds. Sandy sticks close to his side as they make their way through the crowd, eyes peeled for any sign of Jensen. Jared finds him sitting at a table near the front of the building, in a shaded corner off to the side of the stage and there is a man sitting next to him.

Jared feels his breath catching in his throat as he eyes the man sitting far too close to Jensen, leaning into Jensen as they speak. He does his best to push the jealousy deep down where it won't have the chance to ruin the night, ruin his chance at being Jensen's friend, but it is _damn_ hard to do. As they draw closer Jared takes a good look at the dark haired man sitting next to Jensen and narrows his eyes in thought. _Where have I seen him before?_ he questions in silence as he tries to place where he has seen the guy before, he looks awfully familiar but he just can't figure it out.

Jensen looks up when Jared and Sandy reach the table and gives them a soft but tentative smile, standing up to embrace Sandy and squeeze Jared's arm gently, quietly thanking them for coming. Jared's smile is genuine, not a hint of the jealousy that reared its ugly head just moments ago, just having Jensen's eyes on him makes everything else fall away... at least momentarily.

"So, uh, who is this?" Jared asks, clearing his throat, as he motions to the guy sitting at the table with his eyes on them.

Jensen turns with wide eyes, as though just remembering the guy he was sitting with, and then a smile quickly forms on his face. "Jared, Sandy, I'd like you to meet my friend, Brad."

"It's nice to meet the both of you," the guy, Brad, says with a polite smile and bright blue eyes.

"You too," Sandy says with a dazzling smile of her own as she takes a seat at the table on the other side of Brad.

"How do you guys know each other?" Jared asks, doing his best to keep jealousy out of his voice.

"Brad works at the hospital, he was my nurse while I was there," Jensen says as he sits down once more, motioning for Jared to do the same. "We spent a lot of time together, got to know each other and became pretty close. My time spent in the hospital would have been worse than it was if he hadn't been there."

Jared does his best to smile, be happy for the fact that Jensen made a friend he is obviously so close to, but it feels a bit brittle on his face. His stomach is tying up in knots as thought after thought assails him. He doesn't know why but he somehow doubts they are just friends, or at least Brad wants to be more... it is written all over his face.

Jealousy overwhelms him as he stares hard at Brad, thoughts of _mine, stay away_ entering his mind added with a little internal growl. He knows he has no right to be feeling this way, Jensen told him not to hold onto any hope of them getting back together, but he just can't imagine Jensen moving on so quickly. Not to say that Jensen has any intention of reciprocating Brad's feelings but there is a softness in his eyes when he looks at the dark haired man that puts Jared on edge and worries him. _I won't lose him to you_ , Jared tells the guy in silence, narrowing his eyes a touch more, but Brad merely meets his gaze with a cool and calm demeanor.

Being jealous and going all _cave man_ won't earn him any points with Jensen though, he knows this, if anything it will only piss him off. Jared knows Jensen well enough to know that will just push the man further away, Jensen won't appreciate it one little bit. Jared will just have to make the effort to get along with this Brad guy.

"I'm glad you had someone to talk to you while you were there Jen, I can't imagine how lonely it can get when you're stuck in the hospital," Sandy says sweetly and even smiles at Brad. "I guess we owe you our thanks for being there for him and being his friend when he needed one."

"I was assigned as Jensen's nurse a year after he was brought to us and it was really nice for all of us when he finally woke up. I'd always hoped for the day he'd wake up, you just feel that way with some patients, but I never could've expected to form the bond we have. It was a very pleasant surprise for me."

"Hey there beautiful, glad to see you could make it," Chris says as he approaches the table, leaning down to place a kiss on Sandy's cheek before grabbing a chair, placing it between her and Brad. Jared can't stop himself from tensing when Brad moves his chair closer to Jensen's under the guise of making room for Chris. This guy seems nice enough but he rubs Jared the wrong way and he just can't bring himself to like him, no matter how nice he may be.

"Missed you too Chris," Sandy says with a good-natured roll of her eyes but all at the table can see the smile pulling at her lips. Her and Chris have always flirted with each other but neither of them mean a word of it, it is just how they are with each other.

"How you been, Jared?" Jared looks up in surprise, not quite expecting to be acknowledged by either of Jensen's friends, and especially not genuinely, but Steve has a hand gripping Jared's shoulder and there's a true smile on his face.

"I've, uh, been okay I guess, how about you?"

Steve smiles and shrugs. "Got no reasons to complain," he says as he pulls up a chair and gives Jared his full attention. "Good to see you, boy, missed having your face around. I know we've all had some issues, you and Chris have had your problems, but you could've called once in a while."

Jared grins sheepishly and turns his head away, feeling a bit of shame over how he pushed away from Steve. He figured Steve had felt the same way Chris did though, they usually agree on everything that relates to Jensen, especially anything that could potentially hurt Jensen. He does feel bad about the way he went about things, feels bad about how strained his friendship with Chris and Steve became, but he hopes to make things right.

"Well, we gotta go get ready for our set, you guys sit here and enjoy the show and we'll see you afterward," Chris says as he rises from his chair and motions for Steve to follow him.

"I'm gonna go grab us all a round of beers."

"I'll help you out," Sandy jumps up and follows Brad to the bar, leaving Jared and Jensen alone for the time being. Jared is grateful for this but at the same time the air surrounding the table quickly grows awkward and it has him cursing softly under his breath because it was never like this with Jensen before and he hates that it is now. He has to hope that it won't always be this way though, that they can overcome this awkward stage in time and have the comfortable feeling between them that they always knew. He _has_ to hope, he has nothing else.

"I must admit I was a little afraid you may have changed your mind about us being friends," Jared admits honestly, glad for the dim lighting in the bar because he knows his cheeks are burning a bright red right now.

Jensen smiles and ducks his head. "I hadn't changed my mind, I really want us to be friends, Jay, it just... took me a while to find the nerve to call. I feel different around you now, like I don't know how to act or what to say, but I do want to be your friend and I want to put the past behind us."

"I want that too, Jen, more than anything," Jared says right away, resisting the urge to reach across the space between them and grab Jensen's hand. "I'm really glad you're giving me this second chance, even just to be your friend, 'cause your friendship has always meant the world to me. I know I've been pretty selfish but even if you don't want me back, don't want to give a relationship another shot, I just want you in my life in whatever form I can have you. You mean a lot to me, your friendship means a lot to me, and I'm just glad you're willing to be my friend again."

Jensen bites his lip, looking as though he wants to say something important, but before he gets the chance to speak Sandy and Brad are returning to the table and the moment is lost. Jared can't suppress a sigh, no matter how hard he tries to, but he tries to smile and join the conversation that Sandy has started. Jensen is grinning and laughing though, and it's been so long since Jared has seen him smiling happily that any gloomy thoughts that may have clouded his mind evaporate instantly.

Things are still a bit weird at the table, Jared can't stop glaring at Brad no matter how much he tells him to stop and Sandy gives him disapproving looks, letting him know that he is being completely obvious. Jensen tosses him a wary look or two but he doesn't comment on Jared's behavior and Jared does his best to deflect any tension and be civil with Jensen's 'friend'. This is easier said than done, especially since he has to clench his jaw every time Brad leans a little too far into Jensen's personal space and every time he makes Jensen smile like Jared once was able to. _Yep, I'm totally okay with this_ , he lies to himself because despite telling himself he has no reason to be jealous, he feels threatened by Brad and it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Despite how strained the evening might've been at times and the moments Jared found himself wanting to punch Brad and grab Jensen with a possessive growl of _mine, back off!_ he truly enjoyed himself and hopes they can get together again soon, preferably on their own. He knows that isn't likely, Jensen seems more comfortable when they have people with them, but Jared hopes they can reach the stage where they are comfortable in each others presence without needing buffers.

They all exit the bar together, high on the night and good company, and Jared regrets seeing it come to an end. Jensen grins at him softly once they are on the sidewalk in front of the building, all preparing to go their separate ways, and Jared knows that is an encouraging smile because there is nothing strained or forced about it. He realizes they have a long way to go, nothing will be fixed in one night, but it's definitely a start and that's all he had really been hoping would come of tonight.

"Well, thanks again for coming out with us tonight, it was nice getting out of my parents house and do something normal, relaxing, for a change."

Jared grins at this and nods his head. "I had a good time, we uh... we should hang out again sometime, if you want to."

Jensen smiles, small but genuine. "Yeah we should, I'll give you a call and maybe we could go for coffee sometime or something."

Jared nods his head in agreement, more than overjoyed by everything that took place tonight. "It was nice officially meeting you, Jared," Brad says politely and Jared nods his head once more, pasting a smile on his face that he hopes looks friendly rather than feral. The guy really is nice and Jared knows he has no right being hostile or rude to him.

"Well I better get home before my mom sends out a search party, God knows she worries too much," Jensen says with a shy smile, eyes boring intently into Jared's before he tears them away with a blush covering his cheeks and whispers goodnight, following Brad over to a car in the dark parking lot.

Jared knows he is watching Jensen walk away with a pathetic look of longing etched onto his face but he just can't stop himself, can't erase the expression, and right now he probably wouldn't even care if Jensen turned around and saw it. Thankfully, out of the two of them, Sandy is thinking a little more clearly and is tugging on his arm to get him to start walking in the direction of their own vehicle. He doesn't want to leave though, all he wants is to turn around and drag Jen to the nearest diner so the night doesn't have to end yet.


	17. Chapter 17

Three days have passed since the night at Tom's Bar and Jared hasn't been able to stop agonizing over the fact that Jensen seemed really close to that Brad guy and he desperately wants to know exactly _how close_ they really are. He realizes he is being ridiculous about it, he has no claim on Jensen, not anymore, and if he really cared he would just want Jensen to be happy... but damnit he just can't. Sure, he wants Jen to be happy, of course he does, but he wants to be the one bringing Jensen happiness, not some other guy.

Realistically he knows that if Jensen is or wants to be with Brad than there is nothing that Jared can do about it, and if it came right down to it he would step aside and let Jensen be happy. _Then scream and curse in silence_ , he thinks broodingly. He wouldn't cause a fuss if Jensen really wanted to be with Brad though, Jared owes him at least that for everything he has put him through, but that doesn't mean Jared would have to like it.

 _Stop this! You don't even know if there is anything between them_ , he tells himself scoldingly, taking a couple deep breaths to hopefully calm down a little.

Grabbing the remote from the coffee table he flops down onto his couch and turns on the television, hoping it will help keep his mind off Jensen and Brad. Nothing really captures his interest but he leaves it on a rerun of Two and a Half Men anyway, paying half of his attention to it. Despite how much he doesn't want to Jared can't stop thinking about the way Brad looked at Jensen and didn't even seem to care how it bothered Jared. Not that he should care of course but still that calm and cool demeanor kind of pissed Jared off.

 _Stop being so mean, he seemed like a decent guy, and Jensen really seems to like him so that's all that should matter to you_ , he tells himself firmly. Besides, he doesn't have to like Brad, just needs to be civil towards him for Jensen's sake. The last thing he wants to do is ruin their already shaky friendship, his jealousy of Brad could make him lose Jensen and he will _not_ let that happen.

"Okay, no more of this, I've held my tongue long enough," Sandy says with an irritated sigh as she plops down onto the couch with him. "Why have you been pouting for the last few days?"

"It's nothing, Sandy," Jared attempts but he already knows she isn't going to let him avoid the subject, especially since she came down to see him and he's been sulking like a brooding teenager.

"No, I've watched you sulk and pout for three days, before that you were just a pain in my ass with all the all the pacing and angsting, so you owe me the truth, Jay... don't make me beat it out of you!"

Jared can't help but grin at the petite brunette next to him, he doesn't doubt she means what she says. He loves her for that attitude of hers though, and though he'd never admit to her or anyone else, he is glad she cares enough to pester him and make him tell her whenever something is bothering him. He doesn't know what he would do without her, he doesn't have a better friend than her. She doesn't take any of his shit and isn't afraid to tell him when he is wrong, but she also is the most supportive person in his life... aside from Jensen of course, Jensen was always very supportive.

"What did you think of Brad?" Jared asks, trying for casual but failing.

Sandy shrugs, a considering look on her face. "I thought he was nice enough, I spent most of the night talking to him while you and Jensen paid extra close attention to the band," she says with a knowing grin that quickly fades in the wake of a frown. "Why do you want to know what I thought of him?"

"Nothing seemed a little... off... about him?" Jared asks carefully, giving her the most innocent look that he can manage.

"What problem could you possibly have with Brad, you hardly even spoke to him." She gives him a look of utter disbelief and already he knows she is going to tell him he is being ridiculous.

"You didn't notice the way he looked at Jen?"

Sandy grins this time, like she knows something he doesn't and he really can't say he likes it. "Oh _that's_ what you're talking about."

Jared deadpans and it only makes her smile wider. "What do you mean by that?"

She lets out a sigh, giving him a patient expression. "Look, Jay, you don't have to feel threatened by Brad. It's true that he has feelings for Jensen, he told me all about it, but they really are just friends. Besides, he is a really nice guy, if you took the time to get to know him I'm sure you'd like him."

"But I wasn't seeing things, huh?"

Sandy rolls her eyes and right then Jared knows he should have just thanked her and said she helped him get over his jealousy issues. "He's a nice guy Jared and you're just gonna have to get used to the fact that he's Jensen's friend, there's nothing you can do about it. You really want Jensen back, it's not going to happen if you act possessive and give him shit over Brad."

"I'm not stupid, Sandy, I wasn't going to give him shit over this, I don't have the right to even if I wanted to, I was just... well I guess I wondered if you thought Brad had any shot with Jen, if I should be worried, ya know." Sandy smiles warmly at his honesty but Jared can take no comfort from it.

"No, Jared, okay, I don't think you have anything to be worried about. Brad means a lot to Jensen, I will tell you that, but only in the friendly sense. Brad had been there for him when Jensen was in serious need of a friend, that bonds people, you're just gonna have to learn to accept the fact that Brad is a part of Jen's life now."

"Yeah, I know you're right. It might take me a while to get passed this feeling but I'm not going to do anything that might jeapordize the progress I've made with Jensen."

"Good, now come on," she says with a bright smile as she enthusiastically pats his thigh, "we have a half gallon of Ben & Jerry's with your name written all over it."

Jared smiles and follows his best friend to the kitchen to let ice cream chase his blues away.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Having some time alone in the house is a rarity since Sandy came to visit but she is out with Chris so Jared will have the house to himself for most of the night. He plans to spend this rare time on his own doing absolutely nothing at all, lazing around sounds the most appealing to him. A plate filled with microwavable macaroni and cheese waits for him on the kitchen table but before he gets the chance to sit down there is a knock on the front door that demands his attention.

Opening the door to find Jensen standing in front of him is the very last thing he expected but the smile that comes to Jared's lips is genuine and he is more than happy to invite Jensen in. He has no idea why Jensen is here but he can't deny how happy he is to see him, he honestly hadn't expected to see him again so soon. He leads him into the kitchen, asking if he wants a drink and grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge once Jensen answers.

"How did you know where I live?" He asks as he hands Jensen the water and takes a seat at the table, ignoring his plate of food, appetite pretty much non-existent now.

"I got the address from Sandy," Jensen answers quietly. "When did you get a house here in Richardson?"

"I uh, bought it shortly after you were transfered to the hospital here. I wanted to be as close as I could but didn't want to take advantage of your parents' hospitality," he says, uncomfortable with the subject and it must show because Jensen starts fidgetting with his hands and grows real quiet.

"Sorry for just showing up without calling first," Jensen says to break the sudden tension between them.

"You're always welcome here, Jen, you don't have to call first," Jared tells him softly, unable to take his eyes off the man sitting in front of him in a navy blue hoodie and his hair an adorable disarray. He has always loved Jensen like this the most, comfortable and rumpled. There are many attractive things about Jensen but there is just something endearing about him when he's like this.

"I just... we need to talk, Jay, there's something I want to talk to you about and I didn't want to wait any longer. I've been thinking a lot lately, about what I want in life, and... I don't want the past hanging over our heads anymore. I don't want to be hurt by it anymore. I want to leave it behind us where it belongs and hopefully just start over, do things right this time."

Jensen speaks in a rush and it takes a lot of concentration to keep up but the words coming out of his mouth has Jared's heart jumping into his throat, hope filling his veins, and he hopes Jensen means what Jared thinks he does. He can't bring himself to ask Jensen straight up though, afraid of being rejected, so instead he just motions for Jensen to continue.

Jensen takes in a deep breath and lets it out in a huff, closing his eyes for a moment. "I'm not gonna lie to you, I tried moving on, went on a date and everything." Jared's breath rushes out in a 'whoosh' of air when he hears this but he tries not to let his unease show, doesn't want Jensen to stop now without knowing where he is going with this whole conversation. "It didn't work though, at least not the way I thought it would."

"What does that mean exactly? What do you mean it _didn't work_?" Jared waits with bated breath for Jensen's answer, his explanation.

"The whole time I was on that date the only person I could think about was you, Jay," Jensen says softly and Jared's heart immediately skips a beat once Jen's words register in his brain. "It was frustrating as hell but I couldn't deny what it meant."

"You uh, want to fill me in?"

Jensen's smile is a bit shy but also tentative and it just peques Jared's interest. "I'm still not over you, Jared, I think we both already knew that, but that night I realized that I didn't want to push you away anymore, don't want to keep you at a distance."

"Are you saying you want to get back together?" Jared asks quietly, feeling as though his heart is lodged in his throat.

"I love you, Jay, and I'm miserable without you," Jensen responds softly, warm eyes staring intently into Jared's. "I don't want to us to just be friends, I thought I did but I know for sure now that I don't, but I... we can't just pick up where we left off, you understand that right? I do want to try again if you want to but you need to know that this doesn't change things, I'm still going to need to regain my trust in you and when it comes to Chad..."

"You don't need to worry about Chad," Jared reassures him immediately, enunciating the words in hopes of Jensen believing him. "We're not exactly friends anymore. When I broke up with him he told me that it'd be too hard being friends."

Jensen hasn't exactly said it in so many words but Jared can tell the green eyed man wouldn't be comfortable with Jared hanging out with Chad anymore, at least not without Jensen present as well. _He may not want me to be friends with Chad anymore_ , Jared realizes with a frown, wondering if he could turn Chad away if he decided he wanted them to be friends again. One look at Jensen however gives Jared his answer. _I'd do anything for him._

Jared is willing to do whatever it takes to keep Jensen in his life, would do anything in order to get the green eyed man back. He loves Jensen, there's never been any question of that, and Jared is willing to make any sacrifice he needs to in order to do things right this time and regain Jensen's trust. He doesn't want to do anything that might push Jensen away, he can't lose him again, he _won't_.

"I want to be with you, Jen, I've never hid that fact from you, and I'm willing to do _whatever it takes_ to get you back. I won't be naive by saying I'll never hurt you again but I promise to do my best not to ever do anything that might hurt you. You give me a second chance and I won't screw it up this time, you'll see, you'll come first to me this time around," Jared says with complete sincerity, hoping and praying Jensen can hear the truth in his voice.

Jensen is quiet for a long moment, a thoughtful look on his face as he contemplates Jared's words. When he looks up again there's a guarded look in his eyes but there's something soft there as well that gives Jared a little encouragment. "Well, I guess this is your chance to show me, prove it to me," he says with a warm smile and Jared just grins in response, knowing he has been given that second chance he doesn't deserve.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Jared pays the pizza delivery boy and then takes the pizza into the kitchen, Jensen silently following behind him. Pulling a couple plates out of the cupboard, they each grab a slice of pizza and crab a couple of sodas from the fridge before heading out to the living room.

He puts the movie 'Superbad' in the DVD player while Jensen gets comfortable on the couch, settling in for the next couple of hours. It feels good having Jen around again, feels extremely good now that there's no tension in the air and he's free to talk to Jensen like he used to. This is one of the things Jared missed the most, just spending time with him, doing mundane things such as watch a movie.

"I signed on to do the movie," Jensen says suddenly and Jared doesn't even have to ask what movie he is talking about.

Jared can't stop a full blown grin from forming on his face, his stomach filling with warmth when Jensen smiles back at him. "Looks like we'll be working together again real soon then."

"Looks as though we will." Jensen nods his head and licks his bottom lip. "Believe it or not I was considering quitting, wasn't sure I wanted to go back to acting."

Jared can't stop his eyes from widening when he hears this, astonished to find out _Jensen_ of all people would leave the entertainment business. Jensen has always enjoyed his job, loved taking on new roles and bringing these characters to life, so to hear he thought about leaving that all behind is a little unbelievable to Jared.

"You're serious?" Jared asks, unable to keep disbelief out of his voice, and Jensen just nods once more. "What made you consider that?"

"My thoughts were all over the place after I woke up," Jensen answers with a shrug, drawing his eyes away from Jared's. "I'd never done anything else, never gave myself the chance to see if there was anything else I'd rather do. My dad's the one that wanted me to get into acting, follow in his footsteps and all that, so I kind of wanted to see if there was anything out there that _I_ wanted to do."

"So then why didn't you?"

"I had some time to think and I realized how much I'd miss acting," Jensen answers, smiling softly. "It may have started out as something my dad wanted me to do but I guess somewhere along the way it became something I wanted as well."

"Well I for one am glad you decided not to quit," Jared tells him honestly. "And your fans would've missed you too."

"Yeah, wouldn't want to disappoint them," Jensen chuckles softly but Jared knows he truly means it.

"Not to mention the Winchesters still need to finish their story, you can't bail out on them now," Jared teases lightly.

"I almost turned Kripke down," Jensen says with another chuckle, shaking his head at himself. "I'm glad I didn't though."

"This was when you weren't sure if you wanted to act anymore or was it because of me?" Jared doesn't want to cause any tension between them by bringing up _that_ but he can't help but ask, needs to know.

Jared is surprised when Jensen reaches out and touches his hand gently but he welcomes the contact. "No it wasn't because of you, Jay, or at least not just because of you. Sure, I was a little worried it'd be awkward working with you again but the main reason was I wasn't sure I wanted or was ready to act again."

"Are you going to be ready? I mean, shooting starts in a few months, you don't think that's a little too soon?" Jared worries and Jensen smiles patiently.

"No it isn't too soon, I'm getting better every day, have gotten a lot of my strength back, and my doctor says I should be fine even in a month to get back to work. I'll probably need to take breaks if I get a little too overwhelmed but I already worked everything out with Eric, so you can stop worrying now."

"Not sure I can do that but I'll give it my best shot." Jared laughs and then they both grow quiet once the movie starts.

Full on pizza and halfway through the movie Jensen scoots closer to Jared on the couch, tucking himself into his side, and Jared is all too happy to wrap his arm around his boyfriend. It feels really good to have Jen in his arms again and he promises himself that he'll do everything in his power to keep him there.

They sit there, just like that, comfortable with one another for a long while. Jared turns his head however, when he feels Jensen's hand on his face and he is greeted by a pair of bright green eyes that he adores. Their eyes remained locked for what feels like forever before Jensen finally bridges the space between them and places his lips gently against Jared's, feather light and familiar.

Brushing their lips together without adding any pressure, Jared cups Jensen's face with his hands but doesn't try to control the kiss, letting Jensen set the pace to his comfort level. After a few more moments of these tentative kisses Jensen's hand fists into Jared's shirt and he slowly opens his mouth, silently inviting Jared to deepen the kiss. Jared does so carefully, not wanting to rush this and have Jensen back off.

Gently licking along Jensen's bottom lip he slips his tongue into that awaiting warmth, relearning Jensen's mouth, tenderly caressing every inch of Jensen's mouth that he can and patiently coaxing him to participate. Their kisses are slow and languid, slowly tasting each other and showing one another how much they missed the other. Jensen shows no sign of wanting to take this any further and Jared is fine with that, he doesn't want to take this anywhere Jensen doesn't.

Jensen is the one to break the kiss, breathing softly against Jared's lips as he opens his green eyes and locks Jared's hazel in their stare. There is nothing negative in his eyes, just a soft warmth of love and care but a touch of pain still remains as well that Jared hopes to erase in time.

Jared coaxes Jensen to lie down with him on the couch, wrapping his arm around the slim man as he turns off the forgotten movie and changes the channels until he finds an old episode of Law & Order. From the way Jensen's breath is evening out Jared can tell he is a step away from falling asleep and Jared can't help but smile, all too aware of the fact that he almost lost this for good and so very thankful that he has been given a second chance to do things right this time.

"I love you, Jen," he whispers into Jensen's ear, taking his boyfriend's hand and entwining their fingers.

"Mmm love you too, Jay," Jensen mumbles sleepily as he nestles himself into Jared's side, briefly squeezing his hand, and then slowly drifts off to sleep.

Jared lies there for a bit longer, television on mute as he listens to Jensen breath.


	18. Chapter 18

Time passes by in a blur for Jensen and before he knows it a couple of months have gone by since that night he showed up at Jared’s house and took a chance on something he wanted but was afraid to let himself have. Things are far from perfect, not that he expected them to be of course, but him and Jared are taking things one day at a time and for the most part Jensen can say that he is happy.

He still has his moments of doubt, still waits for the other shoe to drop or for reality to set in. He can’t deny that he is still a little afraid of things going back to the way they were, for the shock and newness of everything to wear off and find himself back in that same old situation he and Jared were in before the accident.

He doesn’t want to feel this way, he wants to let down his guard and just be happy with Jared, but he guess that’s going to take a bit more time than just a measly three months. He _is_ getting better though, and he honestly is trying to put more trust in Jared. Trust is key in any relationship, without it what do you have? On some level he has begun to trust Jared again, but Jared hasn’t regained his full trust, not yet.

 _Time, you just need time_ , he tells himself, repeating the same words he has been hearing from all of his friends whenever he confides in them.

He does have hope that he and Jared can make it this time though. More and more he’s been spending his days with Jared, whereas in the beginning he had kept his distance. He hadn’t exactly meant to keep Jared at arms length, but that was what he had found himself doing all the same.

These days however, most nights he finds his way over to Jared’s. He probably spends more time at Jared’s place than he does at his parents’ house. Everyone tells him this is a good thing but he can still see the worry on their faces each time he leaves. They are all being supportive of him, and are even glad he’s giving the relationship a second chance, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have their reservations regarding the whole thing. He understands, they just don’t want to see him hurt again.

Jensen truly wants it to work out with him and Jared this time. He’d told himself he needed to move on, forget Jared because that ship had sailed while he was in a coma, and possibly long before that. But deep down he’d always known he was fooling himself. He loves Jared, fell for him the moment he laid eyes on the man, and he would have regretted it if he hadn’t given Jared a second chance.

What happened was an accident, was no one’s fault, and Jensen doesn’t blame Jared. He doesn’t blame him for moving on, it hurts that he had chosen Chad, but he doesn’t blame him. He might have at first, mostly because he’d been hurt, but he certainly doesn’t now.

He can only imagine how hard it had been on Jared and he doesn’t blame him for seeking comfort wherever he could find it. In some ways Jensen is grateful that Chad stepped in… Jared might not be here now if he hadn’t.

“You’re being all quiet and pensive,” Chris’ voice breaks through Jensen’s thoughts, making him look up from where he’d been staring sightlessly at the table top. “Should I be worried?”

Jensen can’t help but smile softly at his friend’s teasing. “I was just thinking, nothing to worry about.”

“Good, I’ve been worrying over your ass for too long now,” Chris says with a grin as he joins Jensen at the table, arms crossed as he eyes him. “You’ve been spending the night over at Jared’s quite often these days.”

“How observant of you,” Jensen responds, turning away; trying to fight a smirk.

“So this means everything is working out well between you two?” This is more a question than a statement and it makes Jensen turn to face his friend once more, seeing Chris watching him intently.

Jensen thinks on this for a moment before allowing a small smile to blossom on his face. “Yeah,” he says with a breath of relief, realizing how true this is. “Yeah everything’s been great so far. It’s like it was in the beginning of our relationship, when we couldn’t bear to be away from each other, when we were just happy being together and not arguing all the time.”

“And you’re doing okay? No worries or doubts?” Chris asks carefully, though from the look on his face it’s plain to see he already knows the answer to his own question. He knows Jensen way too well.

“I have my moments,” Jensen responds a bit reluctantly, not liking to admit it. “Things are good right now, but in the beginning they’d been good too, and it all fell apart. Sometimes I’m worried it’ll go south like it did before but I’m trying not to think that way. Things are different this time, I can feel it. I’m pretty sure we’ll be okay this time around.”

Chris just nods his head, the smile on his face sympathetic and understanding. “For your sake I hope you’re right about that,” he says before rising to his feet and grabbing his jacket by the front door.

“Where are you headed off to?”

Chris just grins. “Got a date with a hot nurse.” With that he walks out of the house, leaving behind a baffled but smiling Jensen. _Knew he had a thing for Brad_ , he thinks to himself with a bemused shake of his head and grin of satisfaction.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
“So… you’ll be leaving the day after tomorrow,” Jensen says softly, looking at Jared from across the café table.

Jared nods his head. “Wish I wasn’t,” he responds quietly, hazel eyes searching out Jensen’s. “I’m not ready to be away from you.”

“I’m not exactly ready for you to leave either, the time just seemed to pass by so quickly… too quick,” Jensen responds on a sigh, aching to reach out and grab Jared’s hand from across the table but restraining himself. They are in a fairly crowded café where anyone could see them.

“I’m sure filming won’t take too long, I’ll be back before you know it,” Jared tells him, trying to be positive and upbeat even though he still looks a bit miserable.

“I don’t want to think about it. We’ve still got all day today and all night, let’s make it count.”

A small smile grows on Jared’s face as he nods his head in agreement. “Anything you have in mind?”

Jensen shakes his head. “I don’t want to do anything big. I just want to spend time with you before you have to leave.”

“We could spend the day at the house,” Jared suggests. “Watch movies, I could cook us up some dinner on the barbeque or we could just order take-out, whatever sounds good to you.”

“As long as I’m with you I don’t care what we do.”

Jared grins, boldly reaching across the table to entwine their fingers, not caring in the least bit if they’re seen. “Dinner and a movie it is.”

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Jensen arrives at just a little past seven with a chocolate cake in hand. Jared practically salivates over it the moment his eyes land on the cake and Jensen has a good laugh over it. Jared has always had a soft spot for his mom’s baked goods. He places it in the fridge for desert and then takes a seat at the kitchen table, stomach grumbling at the smell of barbequed beef and carrots.

Dinner is a quiet affair, comfortable conversation and soft laughter, reminiscing on fond memories. Once their bellies are full Jensen tries to help clear the table but Jared is having none of it, going so far as to slap Jensen’s hand away from a bowl of mashed potatoes.

“You’re not going to let me help at all, are you?” Jensen asks exasperated but unable to stop a smile from pulling at the corner of his lips.

Jared shakes his head with a cheeky grin. “Got a movie laid out on the coffee table though if you want to pop it into the player.”

Grateful for something to do, Jensen heads into the living room and quickly finds the movie Jared was talking about. The previews are well underway by the time Jared joins him on the couch, two plates of chocolate cake in hand.

Jensen groans, rubbing at his belly before reluctantly grabbing one of the plates. “Not sure I have any room for this,” he says even as he stabs his fork into the dessert.

“There’s always room for cake,” Jared says with comical wide eyes, like it’s horrifying to think someone would turn down chocolate dessert.

“Not everyone’s stomachs are bottomless pits like yours,” he teases gently, chuckling softly when Jared gives him a mock-offended look.

“Whatever, I’m proud of my bottomless pit stomach,” Jared says with a wide grin as he stuffs a fork full of cake into his mouth, making obscene noises as he chews. “If you can’t eat it all just give it to me and I’ll finish it off.”

Jensen just shakes his head, eyeing the huge piece Jared cut out for himself, wondering where Jared puts it all without gaining a hundred pounds. Jensen’s a bit envious of all the things Jared can eat without gaining any weight. He wishes his metabolism was as good as his boyfriend’s.

“You plan on watching the movie some time tonight or just stare at me?” Jared asks teasingly. “Cause you know, if you just want to stare at me, I’m all for that.” He wags his eyebrows as he grins salaciously, trying to look seductive when all it does is make Jensen laugh because it makes him look a bit ridiculous, more goofy than seductive.

Jared pouts for all of a second before rolling his eyes, a grin on his lips as he pulls Jensen into his side, arm wrapped around his shoulders. Jensen makes himself comfortable, reveling in the feeling of being close to Jared, and focuses his attention on the movie as he enjoys his cake.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
They manage to make it through half of the movie before their attention is lost to one another, starting out with slow, lazy kisses that quickly progresses to a full-blown make-out session on the couch, rutting against each other like a couple of teenagers that can’t keep their hands off each other.

Soon they abandon the notion of watching the movie altogether, leaving it in the player as they make their way to Jared’s room, stripping off clothing as they go. By the time Jared has Jensen beneath him they’re both down to their boxers, the rest of their clothes littered on the floor in a path to his room.

Hands fist into Jared’s hair as they trade lasting kisses, not hurried or rushed in any way, despite how it was on their way to the bed. Jensen licks into Jared’s mouth, teasing and sensual, using his lips for all they’re worth, leaving Jared breathless in a way he hasn’t felt in a long time.

“Stay the night,” Jared pleads when he pulls back, panting slightly, eyes locking with bright green blown with lust.

Jensen just grins his answer, fingers sliding into the hair at the back of Jared’s neck and pulling him down until their lips are reacquainted. Hands slide along sweaty skin, palms and fingers kneading flesh, drawing forth moans and gasps from kiss swollen lips.

Jared hasn’t taken the opportunity to _look_ at Jensen, to just look his fill, see that that freckled skin laid out before him, and he _really_ wants to. But he physically can’t tear himself away from Jensen’s lips, can’t focus on anything but the taste of Jensen, the feel of his hands, the joy he feels at just having Jensen again. It all, everything combined, just feels so damn good, is such a relief, because he honestly wasn’t sure he’d ever have this again.

Jensen is the one to eventually tear his mouth away again, taking in deep gulps of air, trembling hands sliding down Jared’s sides and leaving goose bumps in their wake.

“Missed you so much,” Jared whispers into the side of Jensen’s neck, licking and mouthing at his pulse. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Jensen reciprocates wholeheartedly, cupping Jared’s cheek in his hand and kissing him again, soft and tender. Jared immediately melts into it, lips caressing Jensen’s in a familiar dance, tongues sweeping together but somehow barely touching.

In a move Jared doesn’t see coming, Jensen flips them over, thighs straddling Jared’s hips, leaning over him with a grin on his lips. Jared can only stare up at him, sporting a soft smile of his own, thinking to himself that he couldn’t love Jensen any more than he does. He can’t believe he almost lost this, almost lost the one person that makes life worth living. He’s learned what life is like without Jensen in it, finally knows what is important, and from now on he’s going to be holding on with both hands.

Jensen leans down to kiss him once more, lips sliding away to trace his jaw, the shell of his ear, descending all the way down to his collarbone. Jared’s breath is coming out in pants at Jensen’s attentions, writhing when those talented lips find all the spots that make him gasp and send pleasurable shivers throughout his body.

Jared clamps his hands around slim hips when Jensen grinds their erections together, arching into each downward thrust, feeling Jensen’s hard dick pressed against his, both a relief and a torture. Needing to feel Jensen completely naked against him, he hooks his index fingers into the waistband of Jensen’s dark blue boxer briefs and slowly inches them down, over the curve of his ass, down to the crease of his knees. Jensen lifts up, removing his underwear completely before helping Jared out of his and settling down once more.

Jared groans at the skin to skin contact, lust blown eyes seeking out equally lust filled eyes, arching up into his boyfriend as Jensen grinds down, setting a steady rhythm. This isn’t exactly what Jared wants, he’d like to take it further, to reclaim Jensen and find that connection he’s sure they never lost, but he promised himself that he wouldn’t rush Jensen in any way. Jensen is setting the pace here, Jared will follow his lead and is genuinely happy with whatever Jensen is willing to give him.

His eyes snap open when something hard hits his arm and he stares dumbly for a few minutes at the lube resting against his elbow. He’d been waiting patiently for this moment, wanted it tonight, but he hadn’t dared to hope. He knew Jensen wanted to take things slow and he had no way of knowing if Jensen was ready yet because he hadn’t known how to ask without it seeming like he was pressuring his boyfriend.

“You gonna take that or should I get myself ready?” Jensen asks, voice rough and low, and even if Jared couldn’t hear the tease in Jensen’s voice he can sure see it in those gorgeous green eyes.

Without a word, Jared grabs the lube and pops the cap, taking a deep breath as he pours some onto his fingers. Wordlessly Jensen lifts up onto his knees, watchful eyes staring into Jared’s as Jared traces that puckered entrance a few times before slipping a finger inside carefully. Jensen’s eyes slip shut, only a slight trace of discomfort on his face when Jared adds a second finger.

Jared grins when a high pitched moan escapes Jensen, his hips making stuttered motions, trying to get Jared’s fingers deeper inside of him. Despite his own need, Jared takes his time in thoroughly preparing Jensen, not just because he enjoys the sounds coming from his boyfriend, but he knows it’s been a long time and he doesn’t want to hurt him.

Jensen is impatient though, his moans quickly turning into cries and pleas, doing his best to knock Jared’s hand away and force him to stop.

“Jared, stop. I’m ready, I swear I’m ready,” Jensen pleads, groaning softly when Jared finally retracts his fingers. “I need you, please, I need…”

Jared runs his hand up and down Jensen’s side, soothing him with touch and reassurances. “I know what you need,” he whispers as he grabs the condom packet he hadn’t noticed lying beside the lube, tearing into it and sliding it onto his cock. He slicks himself up before Jensen grabs the base and aligns him at his entrance. Jared’s palms slide around Jensen’s hips just as Jensen lowers himself down, the head of Jared’s cock breaching him.

Jared gasps at the warmth, the tightness, hands gripping Jensen’s hips. “God… so _full_ …” Jensen groans as he slowly lowers himself onto Jared, every inch of him disappearing into Jensen until he’s buried to the hilt. Jensen doesn’t move for a few long moments, allowing his body to adjust to Jared’s girth, and Jared takes the time to gain some control over himself.

“Missed this… missed _you_ … so much,” Jared mumbles, restless hands touching every each of Jensen that he can reach, simply not able to get enough. Jensen’s got his own hands planted firmly on Jared’s chest as he experimentally rocks his hips, groaning deep in his throat.

Jensen slowly lifts himself up only to slide back down, both moaning in unison as he sets a rhythm that works for the both of them. With every downward thrust Jared arches up to meet him, his hips snapping forward of their own accord, drawing forth a ragged groan from his boyfriend, eyes drinking in the look of ecstasy on Jensen’s face.

With a hand pressed to Jared’s heart and the other wrapped around his shoulder Jensen lifts himself and plunges back down, gaining a faster pace, head thrown back and looking so damn sexy Jared feels like he can’t breathe.

Jared lets Jensen have full control for a few moments longer, not pushing or guiding in any way, simply arching his hips to meet Jensen every time, letting Jensen control the pace. He flips them however when he can’t hold back any more. Jensen yelps at the unexpected move but it dissolves into a surprised cry when Jared snaps his hips, thrusting into Jensen with hard, fast thrusts.

Jensen’s legs wrap around his waist as he wraps a hand around the back of Jared’s neck and pulls him down, smashing their lips together. Jared does his best to keep the fast pace of his thrusts without breaking the kiss, mouth devouring Jensen’s, tongues twining and sliding wetly.

Jensen’s fingers are twined in Jared’s sweaty hair, kissing him almost desperately, but Jared grabs his wrists and pins them to the mattress, his body pressing Jensen’s into the bed. He gazes down at Jensen with adoring eyes; watching the way he pants for each breath, tongue slipping out to lick swollen and pink lips.

“God, you have any idea how much I missed you? How much I love you?” He asks without expecting an answer, not even sure how he can form a coherent sentence right now.

He rolls his hips languidly; unable to take his eyes away from the man beneath him as Jensen whines and lifts his hips, trying to push down to meet his thrusts. Jensen’s eyes never leave his, though Jared can tell it’s a fight with the way they keep trying to slip shut.

“I’m sorry… Jen… I’m just…” Jared releases Jensen wrists, leaning down with his elbows on each side of Jensen’s head, trapping his cock between them. “I’m so sorry.” he practically sobs as he peppers Jensen’s face with kisses, his lips, cheeks and forehead, his temples. “So sorry, Jen.”

“It’s okay, Jay it’s okay,” Jensen reassures him, hands rubbing up and down his back, sliding into his sweaty hair and back down again. He presses a kiss to Jared’s temple and wraps his arms around him, hugging him close. “You hear me? It’s okay. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere… we’re okay.”

The guilt Jared feels, the remembered pain of thinking he’d lost Jensen forever, it’ll take a lot of time before he can let all of that go, before he’ll be able to put it in the past and leave it there. But Jensen’s reassurances, just having him _here_ , helps Jared to truly believe everything _will_ eventually be okay, that one day they’ll look back and this will all be just a distant memory.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Jared stands at the airport terminal, plane ticket clutched in his right hand while his left grips the strap of his carry-on bag. Jensen stands beside him, as quiet as he has been all morning since they woke up with the weight of this moment hanging over their heads. More than anything Jared wishes he could turn away and not get on that plane, stay here with Jensen. He has commitments though, obligations, and he can’t get out them that easily, and he knows Jensen understands that. It doesn’t make it any easier though.

“I don’t want to leave you,” Jared breathes, turning to face Jensen, wanting to grab hold of him and never let go. “I don’t wanna go.”

“You have to,” Jensen tells him, saying what he already knows, but there’s a warm smile on his face and it calms Jared some. “You don’t have a choice.”

“I know it’s irrational and stupid but I’m almost afraid to get on that plane, like if I leave I’ll lose you and never see you again. I only just got you back, I don’t wanna leave you so soon, can’t bear the thought of being away from you.” Jared chuckles self-deprecatingly, knowing he must sound pathetic.

Jensen takes a step closer, lifting a hand like he’s going to cup his cheek but he freezes midway, gripping onto Jared’s shoulder instead. “I’m not going anywhere, Jay; I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back. I know it seems like a long time, and I don’t want you to go any more than you do, but you’ll be back before you know it and we’ll be together again. And I’m only a phone call away; don’t think I won’t be calling you every day. I’m gonna be calling you so much you’re gonna get sick of me.” He does his best to smile reassuringly and Jared appreciates the gesture, even though he can see sadness in Jensen’s eyes that he’s trying not to show.

“Would never happen,” he says firmly, confidently, aching to reach out and touch Jensen but knowing that’s too risky in a crowded airport. He takes a deep breath, hitching his carry-on bag a little higher and squaring his shoulders, giving Jensen a shaky smile. “I’ll call as soon as the plane lands.”

“I’ll have the phone right beside me,” Jensen responds with a soft grin before taking a reluctant step back, Chris and Brad immediately at his side.

“You go make that movie and get your ass back here as soon as possible,” Brad tells him with a friendly grin, reaching out to shake Jared’s hand.

Jared returns the grin. “You guys take care of him for me, watch out for him while I‘m gone.”

“You don’t even have to tell us Sasquatch, you should know that.” Chris drapes an arm around Jensen’s shoulders as he says this, a promise held within his eyes.

Jared nods his gratitude to Chris before taking one last breath, eyes drinking in the sight of Jensen, before turning and forcing his feet to walk. Every once in a while he glances over his shoulder, needing to see Jensen just once more before he’s out of sight. _This is gonna be a long film shoot_ , he thinks to himself downheartedly as he boards his plane; already missing Jensen like crazy.


	19. Chapter 19

“Padalecki!” Phil, the director, yells at him from across the film set. “You’ve got a visitor. He’s waiting for you in the catering tent.”

Jared stands perfectly still for a moment, surprised and confused, wondering who is visitor could be. _Maybe it’s Jen_ , his mind supplies hopefully. He’s not sure if Jensen would actually surprise him by visiting the set, in fact it seems pretty doubtful, but Jared is at a loss for who it could be and ever since he arrived on set he’s been missing Jensen like crazy, wishing he were here.

He tries not to get his hopes up but still finds himself sprinting off towards catering, his heart already lodged in his throat. By the time he reaches the tent and sees who his visitor is though his heart drops to his stomach and makes it lurch violently. _What’s he doing here?_ His mind races and heart beats frantically with panic.

Part of him feels guilty for this reaction, there was a time he was Jared’s best friend after all, but now that he’s back with Jensen he can’t help but see this surprise visit as a bad omen.

He cautiously approaches Chad, almost afraid to get too close. Part of him wants to run away, avoid Chad till he takes the hint and leaves, never to bother Jared again. That would be cowardly though and Jared knows he needs to face this, fix things or end it once and for all. He already knows which option is the only option.

“Chad, what are you doing here?” he asks, voice foreign to his own ears, lacking in emotion in a way his voice never is.

A broad but nervous grin pulls at Chad’s lips as he rises to his feet and stands in front of Jared, hands stuffed in his jeans pockets. “Jay, man… I… I know I probably shouldn’t have showed up like this unannounced but… it was kind of spur of the moment.”

“What are you doing here?” he asks again a bit more forcefully, knowing he sounds like a broken record. He’s truly rattled by Chad’s presence though and for the first time all he wants is for Chad to go.

“I just came here to talk.” Chad sounds a little put off by Jared’s reaction, upset that Jared doesn’t seem to be glad to see him. _What did he expect though? A warm welcome?_

“Now’s not a good time, I’ve gotta get back on set, I’m really busy,” he says in a rush, turning to leave the way he came.

“Please, Jay,” Chad’s voice stops him in his tracks and he closes his eyes, already regretting not walking away like he’d planned. “I know things are pretty much fucked up between us right now and you obviously don’t want to see me but I came all this way, I really want to talk to you. Please, just give me five minutes. Just five minutes, hear what I have to say, and then I promise I will leave.”

Jared rubs at his temples warily, feeling a tension headache coming on. _I’m gonna regret this_ , he tells himself even as he says, “Alright fine, five minutes. I’m really expected back on set though so just go to my trailer and wait for me. I don’t know how long you’ll be waiting but I’ll meet you there as soon as I can.”

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Jensen wrings his hands nervously as he walks onto the set of Jared’s movie, looking around in search of any sight of his boyfriend. He’d wanted to surprise Jared so he didn’t call beforehand, he’s not sure how Jared will react and so he’s a bit nervous, but he’s pretty sure Jared will be happy to see him.

He asks one of the crew members where he can find Jared but once they tell him that Jared’s filming Jensen decides to just wait in his trailer for him, catch him by surprise. The middle-aged blonde helpfully instructs him on where to go and before he knows it he’s standing in the living room of Jared’s trailer.

He can’t help but grin when he sees the array of candy packages all over the trailer, helping himself to some gummi bears, knowing Jared won’t mind. He takes a seat on the couch just as his ring tone breaks the silence.

“Did I interrupt anything?” Chris asks teasingly and Jensen knows without having to see him that his best friend is making some kind of crude gesture.

“You’re just lucky you didn’t,” he responds with a quiet laugh. “I haven’t been here long actually. Jared’s still filming so I’m waiting for him in his trailer.”

“Ah, so you and Steve arrived okay, you’re doing okay?” Jensen rolls his eyes at this, Chris worries too damn much. He didn’t want Jensen coming out here, thought it was too soon for Jensen to travel, but in the end Jensen got his way, so long as Steve went with him.

“I’m fine, Chris, stop worrying about me.”

“Where’s Steve?” he asks, ignoring what Jensen just said. _At least he dropped the subject_ , he thinks to himself wryly.

“Dropped me off then went to get some food, I’ll be meeting up with him later, can’t be sure when though,” he responds as he makes himself more comfortable on the couch, popping a couple of gummi bears into his mouth. “How’s my mom doing?”

“Going out of her mind with worry,” Chris says without missing a beat and Jensen has to roll his eyes.

It is just like his mama to worry herself sick over her kids; she’s always been that way. It’s been worse since he woke up from his coma though, she barely lets him out of her sight. She didn’t like the fact that he decided to take this little trip to visit Jared, she’d tried to talk him out of it and when that didn’t work she insisted that she come with him. Thankfully Steve had intervened though and offered to tag along. Jensen’s glad he did cause while he understands his mom’s protectiveness, he doesn’t appreciate how everyone’s treating him like he’s a child and having her here would’ve just been awkward and uncomfortable.

“Well you let her know that I’m doing just fine and not to worry too much, I’ll be back in a few of days.”

Chris sighs heavily and Jensen can imagine his friend’s running a hand down his face. “Alright I’ll pass on the message but you may want to call and tell her yourself cause until she hears from you I highly doubt she’ll stop worrying.”

“I’ll give her a call the first chance I get okay?”

Jensen looks up when he hears the door open and freezes when he sees Chad standing in the doorway. He mutters a curse under his breath, palm tightening around his cell phone, frozen where he’s sat. They stare at each other dumbly for a few long moments, long enough for Chris to start yelling in Jensen’s ear.

“Jensen, man, talk to me! What the hell’s going on? Where’d you go?” Chris rattles off question after question but Jensen can’t seem to find his voice.

Chad scratches at the back of his head awkwardly as he shuts the door behind him, other hand holding a plate of food. “Um… hey Jensen…”

This snaps Jensen out of his stupor and he takes a long, ragged breath. “Chris… I’m gonna have to call you back.”

He hangs up on Chris’ protests, tossing his phone down onto the cushion next to him. “What are you doing here?”

“Came by to see Jay, needed to talk to him. He was busy though and told me to just wait for him in here,” Chad explains as he enters the trailer fully and takes a seat on a chair across from Jensen, awkwardly looking everywhere but at him.

Jensen can only nod at this, not really knowing what to say. He feels uncomfortable with Chad, and can be honest enough to admit that he’s not pleased to find out Chad is here. He isn’t sure he’s comfortable with Jared being around Chad anymore. He’s worried Chad will try to get between them again.

He’s never liked Chad, but now, knowing he’d been with Jared, Jensen really doesn’t want the guy around. He trusts Jared, knows he won’t cheat on him, but he’s not comfortable with Jared and Chad being friends again. Chad caused enough problems for them before and Jensen refuses to let it happen all over again.

The need to get out of the trailer and away from Chad is overwhelming but he’ll be damned before he allows the other man to chase him off. He is extremely uncomfortable right now, tension thick in the air, but he doesn’t budge from the couch. While he openly stares at Chad he can’t help but think his surprise visit has undoubtedly been ruined and he dreads to find out how much more awkward this situation will get once Jared arrives.

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Jared briskly walks off set and in the direction of his trailer, brain racing, wondering what Chad could possibly want and what he wants to talk to him about. He gets the feeling he isn’t going to like what he is about to hear. He almost dreads walking into his trailer, wishes he could just avoid it and Chad and just not deal with this at all. This isn’t very realistic though, he knows he has to get this over with and hope Chad doesn’t stay too long.

Far too soon for his liking he’s standing in front of his trailer, palm wrapped around the doorknob but he doesn’t turn it. _Stop being a coward, just see what he wants and then politely ask him to leave._ Taking a deep breath Jared opens the door and heads inside, feeling nervous tension coiling in his belly.

“Alright Chad what did you want to…” he trails off, voice squeaking slightly when his eyes land on the figure sitting stiffly on his couch. Jensen looks at him with a blank expression on his face, not giving any emotions away. Jared likes to think he knows Jensen damn well though and he’s sure Jensen’s feeling uncomfortable, confused, and waiting for Jared to get rid of Chad.

“Jay, can I… well… can I talk to you in private?” Chad asks, casting an unsure glance Jensen’s way before meeting Jared’s eyes with blue irises filled with hope. “Please?”

Jared looks Jensen’s way but frowns when he sees that Jensen won’t meet his eyes, won’t give him any indication as to what to do. “No, whatever you have to say you can say in front of Jensen.”

Chad’s face falls at this and he tries to persuade Jared to just give him five minutes alone with him but Jared won’t budge. He isn’t going to leave Jensen in here alone, worrying about what’s being said and how Jared’s reacting. It’s true that he’s regained some of Jensen’s trust, but it’s fragile at best and he doesn’t want to do anything that’ll take them a step backward. No, Chad can just say whatever he came to say in Jensen’s presence or he can leave right now. Jared stands firm on this.

Chad looks vaguely uncomfortable, still casting glances at Jensen, but he nods his head all the same while taking a deep breath, a look of deep concentration on his face. “I’ve had some time to think things over and I’ve… you once asked me if we could still be friends, and now I’m asking. I wasn’t ready before but I am now.”

Jared shakes his head unconsciously, sparing a worried glance at Jensen, wondering what is going on in his mind. Jensen’s expression is still carefully blank though and he’s got his eyes trained on the floor.

“I’m not gonna lie by saying I don’t still care, don’t still love you as much as I did,” Chad continues, unaware of the tension growing in the room. “I do still love you, Jay, but… your friendship means the fuckin world to me man. I promise I won’t try to come between you and Jensen, I won’t cause you any problems, I just… I just want my friend back.”

It is obvious to Jared that Chad is sincere, it’s plain in his hopeful blue eyes, but all Jared can see is the way Jensen won’t look at him and it makes Jared’s decision that much easier. It will be too uncomfortable for Jensen, this friendship with Chad, and Jared promised himself that he would put Jensen first this time around.

To be honest he’s not to sure he wants to go back to being friends with Chad either. Chad’s one of his oldest friends, and not having him around will hurt, but there’s too much history between them now and Jared would feel uncomfortable with being friends when he knows Chad wants more, when he knows Jensen knows this too.

“No,” he speaks softly, cringing slightly at the surprised and hurt expression that instantly takes over Chad’s face. Jensen is watching him now too but still Jared can’t read him and it bothers the hell out of him. _Don’t doubt me_ , he pleads silently, hoping Jensen can see it written on his face. “I thought we could be friends, Chad, but I was wrong. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be comfortable with it and I know Jensen wouldn’t either. Too much has happened, too much to sweep under the rug, and while I don’t want you to think I’m blaming you for it… I _can’t_ be your friend.”

“So that’s it?” Chad asks, voice harsh, colored with hurt and resentment. “You pick Jensen over me? Can’t even be my friend anymore?”

Jensen opens his mouth like he’s going to say something but no words are forthcoming, instead he just stares at Jared with a torn expression on his face.

“I’m sorry, Chad,” Jared says sincerely but firm in his decision. “I never meant to hurt you but I’m standing by my decision. I hope you can respect that… can forgive me for it some day.”

Chad looks like he wants to argue but instead he just throws his arms up in the air in frustration before turning a glare on Jensen, filled with a hatred Jared had never seen before. _Did he always look at Jen that way?_ He frowns deeply, some of his guilt melting away to be replaced by anger.

“Don’t take this out on him,” he practically growls, placing himself between Jensen and Chad, forming a barrier. “You want to be pissed at anyone, be pissed at me. This was my choice, not Jensen’s.”

“This has everything to do with him! You wouldn’t be kicking me to the curb if it weren’t for him!” Chad explodes, eyes ablaze. “But whatever… you want to kick me aside for his ass that’s your mistake. I’m not gonna stand around watching you settle anymore.”

“I _never_ settled for Jensen. He’s the only one I’ve ever wanted to be with, I was a wreck when I thought he would never wake up. A lot has been put into perspective for me since then,” Jared defends himself. “You may not believe it but I’m sorry things ended this way, I really am.”

“Go fuck yourself, Jared,” Chad growls as he slams out of the trailer, leaving silence in his wake.

Jared stands there in the middle of the trailer for a few long moments, simply staring at the closed door Chad walked through. He feels guilty, honestly never meant to hurt Chad in all of this, and though his reaction was expected, he feels terrible for how badly Chad took it, but he doesn’t regret his decision.

He’d be lying if he said losing his best friend didn’t hurt, but he realizes now his friendship with Chad was only hurting his relationship and he didn’t want that to happen again, which it inevitably would. He loves Jensen and his focus needs to be on him, on their relationship. Being friends with Chad is just too impossible right now, probably always would be. He feels terrible about cutting Chad out of his life, especially after how long they’ve been friends, but he has to admit he feels relieved now that it’s done.

He finally turns to Jensen, a bright smile on his face, but it quickly falls away when he sees how miserable his boyfriend looks. This comes as a shock because Jared honestly thought Jensen would be as relieved as he is, not so damn miserable.

“Jen, what’s wrong?” Jared asks cautiously, taking a hesitant step towards his boyfriend but stopping in his tracks when Jensen lifts his head, looking at him with wet eyes.

“I don’t want to be that person, Jay,” Jensen tells him, sounding so distraught, but Jared isn’t quite following. _What’s he talking about?_ he questions but doesn’t get a chance to ask aloud before Jensen’s speaking again. “The person that makes you choose between me and your best friend. I know it’d be hypocritical of me considering my friendship with Brad and everything…”

“That’s different, Jen, even I know that. You weren’t engaged to him, you just went on one date and I know you have only ever thought of him as a friend. I’ll admit it was hard on me at first, I was jealous, but I got over it. Hell, even I like Brad, and we both know he and Chris have been dancing around each other.”

Jensen nods his head in agreement but still doesn’t appear to be convinced. “But still, Jared, I don’t want to do that to you. It’ll be hard for me considering my feelings towards Chad, I sure as hell don’t trust him, and your history with him will be hard for me to look passed… but you’ve known him a long time and I don’t want to be the reason you give that up just because I can’t handle everything that happened. I don’t want you to ever resent me for making you choose.”

Jared is instantly kneeling at Jensen’s side. “You didn’t make me choose, Jensen, it’s not like you gave me an ultimatum or something… this was a decision I made on my own.” He reaches out to take Jensen’s hands in his own, locking eyes to make sure he has Jensen’s full attention. “I know you may never believe me but I never wanted Chad, Jensen.”

Jensen opens his mouth, probably to protest, but Jared cuts him off before he can get a word out. “He was there for me when I needed someone, someone to take the hurt away, someone to focus my attention on, to get me out of that dark place… he was there, that’s it. I never cared about him the way I should have… so I guess in a way I only used him, which makes me feel terrible, but I’m telling you the truth. I never loved him, Jen.”

Jared lets out a breath of relief when he sees that he finally has Jensen’s attention, he’s actually listening to what Jared’s saying. “I didn’t want to marry him, Jen, I wanted to marry you.”

Jensen’s eyes widen at this as his jaw drops in surprise. “You wanted to marry me?” he asks softly like he can’t quite believe Jared is saying this.

Jared laughs softly, smiling adoringly at the man in front of him. “I still do, Jen. I know we’ve only just begun finding each other again, trust needs to be rebuilt and everything, but eventually, one day I’d love to marry you if you’d have me.”

Jensen grins slightly, almost like he’s trying not to. “It’s way too soon to be asking me that, you’re right, but ask me later on down the road… I’m sure you’ll get the answer you want.”

It’s too soon to ask such a question, too soon to hope for an answer, but that’s an implication to a ‘yes’ in the future and Jared can’t stop the joyous laughter that escapes him as he throws himself at Jensen, wrapping his arms around the other man and leaning in until there’s no space between their lips. _We’ll get it right this time._

  
۞ ۞ ۞

  
Eight Months Later

Jensen stands by his trailer, staring almost in fascination. It feels good to be on a film set again, to be getting his life back, to be acting. He’d never realized how much he missed this, the normalcy. He still hasn’t decided if he’s going to continue acting, but giving some closure to the Sam and Dean story is what he wants to be doing right now.

He jumps slightly when a pair of arms wrap around him from behind but quickly settles, knowing the scent of his boyfriend, the feel. Jared’s grinning against the side of his cheek, holding him close, and Jensen can’t help closing his eyes in content. They’d both decided early on in their relationship not to keep it a secret and they’ve been enjoying it to the fullest extent. They haven’t told the media, but if asked they won’t deny it. Until that moment comes though, having family, friends and everyone on the crew know is good enough.

“Feels good to be working with you again,” Jared whispers into his cheek, lips brushing his skin.

“Just like old times,” Jensen agrees.

“Only better,” Jared grins as he pulls back but stays close, grabbing Jensen’s hand instead. “So, uh, I was thinking…”

Jensen watches him closely, waiting for him to continue. He gets the feeling whatever Jared wants to talk about must be pretty important, from the way he’s biting his lip and seems reluctant to say what’s on his mind.

“You were thinking…” Jensen prods, moving to stand in front of Jared when his boyfriend refuses to meet his eyes. “Don’t clam up on me now, you’ve been doing so well with talking to me, don’t hold back. Whatever it is, just tell me.”

Jared kicks at the dirt beneath his feet, eyes flicking up to meet Jensen’s before darting away. “I uh, I know it’s far too early to ask you to marry me, and I honestly don’t think we’re there yet, are ready for that, but I was wondering… well, what do you… what do you think about moving in together?”

Jensen stands stock still, mulling over the idea, surprised and, he finds, delighted. He will admit the thought had crossed his mind, but he didn’t really know how to bring it up, and seeing how he doesn’t really have a place of his own at the moment, he wasn’t sure the timing was right. But to know Jared has been entertaining the same thoughts puts his mind at ease, and he can’t help feeling that everything is falling into place.

“I think that’s a great idea.”

Jared’s head snaps up, shock written on his face as though surprised Jensen would approve of his idea; had been expecting rejection. Jared still doubts himself a lot, is surprised Jensen’s still with him even though he hasn’t admitted it aloud. He’s being too hard on himself, but Jensen’s been working at trying to reassure him that he’s in this completely, won’t walk away at the drop of a hat.

“Really?” he asks quietly, like he can’t quite believe it, but a smile is trying to form on his face. “You want to move in with me?”

“Nothing I want more,” Jensen wraps his arms around Jared’s neck, giving him a brief kiss on the lips.

“We could find a house in Vancouver, or Richardson if you want, be near family.” Jared grins unguardedly, holding Jensen close, keeping his voice low and intimate.

Jensen frowns, looking up at Jared, puzzled. “Why those places? Wouldn’t you rather be in LA? With you working and all? Wouldn’t it be easier?”

“I don’t plan to do this forever, Jen,” Jared tells him with a soft laugh, looking at him as though he should‘ve already known this. “When I finally do quit, I’d like to be in the one of the only places that’s ever been home to me. And you can’t tell me you don’t want that too, I know you too well. Vancouver feels more like home to me now than San Antonio, and when I think of settling down that’s the place I imagine, but if you want to get a house in Richardson that’s cool with me too. I’ll be glad anywhere so long as I’m with you.”

Warmth fills Jensen’s chest as he looks up at the man he loves. “Okay, let’s do it, Vancouver it is.”

Joyous laughter bursts free from Jared as he pulls Jensen impossibly closer, holding him so tight he almost cuts off Jensen’s oxygen, but Jensen’s just as happy as Jared is and simply clings tightly to him in return, head resting on Jared’s shoulder.

“You boys ready to do this?” Kripke asks as he approaches them, a bright grin of excitement on his face and they reluctantly disentangle themselves to face him, wearing grins of their own.

“You know what these roles mean to us Eric,” Jared answers, sharing a look with Jensen, both of them eager to play Sam and Dean again, give the hunters some closure. “We’re more than ready.”

“Great. Then get your asses to make-up and get costumed up, we’ve got a story to wrap up,” he claps them both on the shoulders before striding away, he gets a few feet away before turning back to them with a smile directed at Jensen. “Glad to see you’re doing better, Jensen, it’s good to have you back.”

Jensen nods his head. “Thanks, feels good to be back.”

Eric smiles genuinely for a second longer before shaking it off and trying to sound stern, telling them to get their asses moving, they don’t have all day. Jared and Jensen share a laugh, grinning like idiots as they head off in the direction of the hair and make-up trailer.

 _Oh yeah, it definitely feels good to be back_ , Jensen grins to himself, grabbing hold of Jared’s hand and squeezing when Jared sends him a smile.  _I’m right at home._


End file.
